Being Me

by Karin Roberts

Part 2

The Cruise – Voyage of Discovery

  

Cruise Diary – Day 1

I woke up early to the sound of a low hum, most probably the ship's engines. I stayed in bed for the first ten minutes of my morning watching the TV and looking for news about my dad's case. Finding nothing of interest, I got out of bed and took a shower.

The warm water felt nice as I lathered up with the complimentary shampoo. As my hands worked their way across my body, I thought about shaving. The stubble on my knees and under my arms was a little annoying. What was worse, I wondered? Having Avril make fun of my stubbly legs or my smooth legs? Which would draw less attention? I decided against it. After all, it was not as if Tracey was going to put in an appearance soon, was it?

I pulled the cases out of the closet and lugged them over to the bed. Might as well unpack and get dressed. I unlocked the first case and flicked the catch. The lid opened and I looked inside for one of the t-shirts mom had ironed for me.

What the hell? This isn't right! I thought as I looked inside the case. Oh great! I would have ignored it if I could. No sense in giving Avril more ammunition. She was probably the one who gave me the wrong case on purpose. Or maybe it was an accident? The thought of Avril trying to look sexy in my wardrobe of gym shorts and tee-shirts brought a smile to my face. I reasoned that my misfortune was hers as well. Best to get it straightened out now. No sense in being paranoid. I threw on yesterday's clothes, took my key and ventured out into the hall.

"Mom! You awake, and decent?" I called as I knocked on the door.

Mom opened the door and I stepped inside.

"Good morning," she said cheerfully.

"Good morning to you too." I looked over at Avril who was sitting in the corner chair with a newspaper. "Morning Avril."

She put the paper down in her lap and asked me if I had slept well. I told her I had and I asked if she'd had a chance to unpack yet.

Avril smiled, her dressing gown flapping open a bit giving me a view of her generous cleavage. I stared, then came to my senses. I was in enough trouble as it was. My head snapped back round to look at Mom.

Noticing the tenseness in my voice, mom asked me if anything was wrong.

Damn right! Something is wrong! I thought as I saw Avril's clothes hanging beside my mother's in the closet. Maybe she hasn't unpacked her other cases? Maybe I should have looked inside my second case before putting on my old clothes?

"It's my luggage." I said. "I think my cases got messed up with Avril's. At least I hope they got messed up." I laughed nervously.

Avril shot me a confused look that said she had no idea of what I was ranting on.

"What do you mean?" asked my mother. "Is something wrong with your luggage? I packed it myself."

"Well yeah, something's wrong. Come and see." I took her hand and dragged her out into the hall towards my cabin.

I opened the door and led her inside, pointing at the open case.

"See?" I exclaimed, pointing at the suitcase with an accusing finger. "Our suitcases must have gotten mixed up!"

"No," my mother calmly stated as she examined the tag on the case. "This one has your name on it. I've got my cases. Avril has hers and these are yours."

"But Mom! Can't you see? There are girls clothes in here!"

"That's right."

"Very funny," I fumed.

"These are your clothes honey," said Mom. "I picked them out for you myself. What did you think I was doing all those days when I was out? Did you really think I was shopping for myself?"

"Please Mom! This isn't funny anymore. Can I have my real clothes back now?"

"It's not supposed to be funny darling," said my mom calmly. "It's supposed to be fun! Didn't you tell me you wanted to spend some time with me as Tracey?"

I hung my head without answering her.

"Well, this is your chance," she said gleefully.

My throat seized and my heart palpitated. "But Mom… I can't do this today. Just let me have my own clothes back and I'll think about doing it tomorrow or something. Okay?"

Of course I had no intention of dressing as Tracey in front of my mom or Avril tomorrow or any other day. But at this moment, making idle promises seemed like the best way to get my old clothes back.

"Oh sweetie," said Mom. "You're probably right. I should have packed some of your old clothes too, but I didn't. I guess I wasn't thinking. This is all I brought for you, so you might as well get dressed and make the best of it."

"What about Avril" I asked.

"What about her?"

"Don't you think she might think it a bit strange to see me dressed up as a girl?" I took a deep breath and exhaled, hoping she'd see the light.

Mom laughed as if I'd said something ludicrous. "Honey, those aren't girl's clothes. Those are women's clothes, the same kind that Avril and I wear. And no, Avril won't think it's strange. I think she's going to enjoy having a third woman on our cruise." She batted at my arm playfully. "Two women and a little boy are a chore, but three women? Now that's a party!"

It dawned on me that my mother wasn't going to listen to logic. I wiped the tears from my eyes and begged her for mercy.

"I'm sorry Michael, but it's not as if you have a choice. It's this or nothing and I can promise you right now that it's not going to be nothing. This is it for the next ten days. I'll give you fifteen minutes to think about it and then I'll come back over."

I stood and watched her leave, closing the door behind her. I sat down on the bed and held my head between my hands. Everything on me was throbbing: my head, my pulse, even my cock. Oh shit! I thought. Not now. I wasn't turned on. I was scared out of my mind. Of course there was a way out of this. I just didn't know what it was, but there's always a way out. Isn't there? No. Not really. It wasn't like I had enough money to buy my own clothes.

I pulled the other case towards me, but I already knew that it probably contained more of the same. I flipped the catch and held my breath as I eased it up and looked inside. Blood rushed to my head I began to feel faint. There, in all its glory, lay the beautiful red dress I had bought from Barnardos. Yeah, that's right! The one and only magnificent red dress, the one that was supposed to be safely stashed in a box inside a cupboard in my room many miles from where I sat now. I leaned into my hands and cried for myself.

I was sunk- torpedoed below the waterline with no chance of escape. Surely all my little secrets had been shared now. I half thought about leaving the room at that point and finding the nearest lifeboat. Why yes! I'd throw it over the side and row back to the mainland! I'm not joking! I gave it a thought and might have tried it if I knew what direction to row. It's not like I'm a sailor. I'm not a rower either. My arms are like spindles. I uncovered my face and looked back inside the case.

Well, would you look at that! Who would have thought? More female garments awaited me under the dress. How bad will it get? She packed me a swimsuit. At least it's not a bikini, I thought as I looked at the shoes and cosmetics. What's this? Two sealed boxes wrapped in brown paper stared up at me. Written on each tag was the greeting, "To Tracey, love Mom."

This isn't my fault. It's not as if I have a choice. It was then that I realized I was powerless over the situation at hand. Ironically, I found solace and strength in the idea of being powerless. What else can I do, I thought, as I looked at the clothes in the case?

I took a deep breath and held it in. How much time had gone by? Surely, the time of my judgment was close at hand. I spent the next several minutes convincing myself that there was nothing I could do to make the situation go away. I could still hide from Mom and Avril, but I'd have to hide in these clothes, as a woman. Or…I wouldn't hide. I'd wear the clothes and keep my pride. A stiff upper lip, I thought. A stiff upper lip covered with lipstick. Oh shit!

The door rattled under the pressure of small knuckles.

"Tracey. It's me, your mother. Can I come in?"

The door opened and she stepped inside.

"Well what's it to be?"

"Is that really a question?" I asked.

"Beg your pardon?"

"A question. You asked me what's its going to be. You made it sound as if I have a choice. Well do I?"

"That depends," said Mom. "If you're talking about whether or not you have a choice in regard to the clothes you'll wear on this trip, then the answer is no. You don't have a choice. The only choice you have is to decide on whether or not you'll have a good time."

I searched her expression for a faint chink of compassion. Come on Mom! Say it! Say it's a joke. Tell me that Avril put you up to it. Tell me this is a joke and the joke is on me. We'll have a good laugh and then you can give me back my real clothes. Why isn't she smiling?

Mom shrugged. "Are you still debating on whether or not to have a good time?"

"I suppose I'll have to wear the clothes as you've left me no other choice. But it doesn't mean I'll have a good time doing it," I said as I cast my eyes toward the two open cases. I stood there quietly; looking at the red dress but not daring to ask how it had found its way into my case.

Having won the first battle, Mom placed her hands on her hips and grinned. "Good choice. Oh, by the way, you will have a good time! Now if we hurry and I help you get dressed, we can make your salon appointment."

Salon appointment? My mouth opened wide! I hadn't thought the day could get much worse but it suddenly had!

Less than sixty minutes later, I stood in front of my mirror dressed as Tracey. Understandably, some of you might remember the two mysterious brown paper packages. They're still a mystery, but I can tell you about them. How in the hell someone made those things look so real is beyond me! The first package contained a realistic set of silicone breast forms. I know what you're thinking, but seeing is believing! The goddamn things are covered with pores, just like real skin. We're talking nipples and areoles too! The bloody things freaked me out when Mom glued them to me. And the other package, what was in it? I damn near screamed when I opened it! Can you say vagina? Not that I've seen many fake vaginas before, for that matter I've not seen many real ones either, but this thing has a tube for my penis. I can sit down and piss like a woman with it on. Who the hell knows what else it can do?

I asked where they had come from and Mom explained that she had done a little research on my PC using the sites I often visited in addition to a couple new ones she had found on her own. Mothers are so resourceful, I thought as I came to terms with the idea of all my dirty little secrets being uncovered. She didn't refer to the sites by name, but I had a good idea of the ones she had seen. Let's see… there's Transvestite Damsels in Ropes. I'm sure she had to come across Gagged TVs. In case you're wondering, it's not a website about censored television. I sighed and blushed as I thought of Mom browsing through Smoking T-Girls and Smoking Blow Jobs dot com. Highly embarrassing! I thought to myself as I checked my backside in the mirror.

In the past, I'd taken great pride in my ability to make the most of my inner girl. However, Mom's coaching had taken me to a new level. I'd never used hair straighteners before, but Mom had. I was in awe. Her philosophy concerning make-up is that less is more. She's right. The secret to looking good is in the application rather than the amount used.

I was dressed in a tight little pair of white shorts that clung to my bum and showed off my newly created female V at the front. A wide white belt, angled across my hips, accentuated my curves. The shorts could have gone well with any top, but I thought they looked especially smart with shiny silver top that Mom chose for me. Not that I'm into name brands or anything, but it was made by Elle and identified with gold lettering for the fashion illiterate. It hung in place with spaghetti straps. The fabric was such that it gave, allowing for a hint of my nipples. That's how real the breast forms looked. Anything less would have looked like rubber baby buggy bumpers.

My legs, though quite shapely, were a little pale, but Mom said a day in the sun would take care of it. My feet were adorned in shiny silver sandals that matched my top. Mom handed me a white narrow shoulder bag. She seemed pleased by the look she had created.

She opened the cabin door and held it for me. I took a deep breath and stepped into the hall. Mom closed my door behind us and opened the door to her room and ushered me inside.

Avril and I saw each other at the same time. She was sitting on the bed, dressed in pink shorts with a white top. Her generous cleavage rolled as she looked up.

"My, my, what do we have here?" she winked at me.

Bitch! I thought with a sniff. She'd seen me dressed before, not that I was about to declare it, but then again, did I honestly think she'd kept our secret to herself? Who the hell cares now anyway?

"I'm impressed Anne," said Avril. "You've done a spectacular job! No one would ever guess! I can't wait to see what the girls at the salon do for him!" She covered her mouth in mock shame. "Oh, I'm sorry. I meant 'her'."

I could grow to hate this woman. I thought as I stood in the room like some sort of shop mannequin.

"Okay ladies, we better scoot." Mom mentioned as she picked up her bag.

We stepped out into the hall and Mom locked the door behind us. The two of them started toward the stairs and I fell in behind them, my heart pumping wildly. A door opened off to my left, causing me to jump out of my skin! It was an elderly couple exiting their room.

The older couple wished us a good morning. Mom and Avril returned the sentiment. I mumbled something similar, being most careful not to make eye contact.

We walked up the stairs and emerged onto the sunlit deck. People were everywhere. It wasn't as if we were shoulder to shoulder but it was still too many people for my liking. I gasped for breath as I followed behind Mom and Avril. Was I hyperventilating? I hoped so! On second thought… passing out on deck wasn't a good idea. That would just draw more unwanted attention. I mean picture the scene I keel over the ship's doctor is summoned, "It's ok she's just fainted" he loosens my clothing "Eh well no it would appear he's just fainted" Anyone old enough remember the Elizabeth Taylor film "National Velvet," well this would be just the same only in reverse and it would be happening to me on my first day on this damn boat! Get a grip! I thought.

We walked and we walked past the people. How many kilometers? How many hours? Or had it been years? I'm dying of old age! I thought as I kept pace. Get me out of here.

To keep from looking directly at the people, I focused on a newsagent's stand. As we got closer, I could make out the titles of the magazines. I saw post cards and cute little gifts. Mom and Avril stopped walking and I threw on the breaks. We're here! I thought as Mom opened the door. I followed them inside.

Two girls looked up as we entered. They greeted us in unison. They called us ladies and wished us good morning. Oh yes, thank you! It is a good morning! I'm dressed as a woman. Let me out of here! The girls at the desk asked if they could help us.

Mom smiled. The girls smiled back at her. I fought the urge to vomit.

"I'm Anne McWilliams and this is my daughter Tracey," she said as she placed a hand on my shoulder. "And this is my friend Avril. I phoned ahead a couple of days ago and booked us for this morning."

My mother's words sunk in. Days ago? I thought. She made me an appointment days ago? I'd been set up - big time! I watched one of the girls as she leafed through the appointment book.

"Oh yes, Mrs. McWilliams, I remember." she grinned as she walked around the counter to meet us.

"If you'll just give me your bags," she said as she held out her hand.

Mom handed the girl her bag and I did the same with my shaking hand. The other girl joined us.

The second girl explained that Avril should take a seat and they'd work on Mom and me first. She showed us to two chairs and had us sit down

"I'm Carla," she said as she looked down on me. "I'll be carrying out your treatments today."

Treatments? What is she going to do? Treat me for mental illness?

"Ok," I mumbled.

She pulled an apron over my top and tied it around my neck. She told me to relax. "Make yourself comfortable, because we're going to be a while," she said.

"Well if it's too much, I come back when you're not busy?" I offered.

Carla answered me with a laugh. I suppose she thought I was joking.

Carla released my ponytail from the scrunchie and fluffed out my hair. She asked me to lean back and then she began to wash my hair with a hot soapy substance sprayed from a nozzle attached to silver taps. Once she finished washing my hair, I sat up straight. As she fumbled around behind me, I heard her unscrew a lid off of something. I watched in the mirror as she poured some grungy looking liquid into her hands. She put the bottle on the counter and returned her hands to my head. She worked her fingers and the mixture into my scalp. It didn't smell very nice but I did enjoy the massage.

"We'll just let that work wonders for a few minutes," she said as she led me from the chair to a table.

She told me to climb up on top of it and I followed her orders like a sheepdog.

I began to wonder if I was in a hair salon or a surgeon's operating room as she flipped a switch on an implement and scooped some gooey stuff from a jar and placed it in a bowl. She placed the bowl onto something that could only be a heater.

She picked up a box from the cabinet beside us. "This might hurt a bit," she said.

I grunted, having no reason to doubt her. I had a fair idea about what was going to happen, but protesting would have been useless. I'll just take it like a man. I thought, as she painted some liquid on my leg. Like a man? What a joke!

She removed a strip from a box and smoothed it against my leg. So this is waxing? I prepared myself for the pain that was sure to follow. I might as well have prepared myself for two tigers to rip me apart. I can't describe the pain that shot through me as she pulled the strip from my leg. I winced. My eyes watered, but I refused to scream like a girl. Like a girl? Who am I trying to kid? How many men do this?

Several strips and tears later, she rolled me over onto my stomach. Not my back! Please don't do my back, I pleaded telepathically. Tears dripped down my nose as Carla pulled the strips from my back.

I looked sideways over at Mom. It appeared as if she was getting the same type of torture, but not quite. The girl working on Mom seemed to be working between her legs. There was a towel covering my mother's lap. Is she really getting her groin waxed? Oh My God! She is!

Mom turned her head and winced as the girl removed a strip. She's really doing it I thought as I felt a stirring in my groin area. For God's sake, not now, not here, I thought.

"Ow!" I yelled.

"Oh sorry," said Carla.

The pressure in my penis was chased away by the pain. My next bout of torture had begun.

Soon, but not soon enough for me, I stood up. Surprisingly, my legs supported my weight. Apparently leg muscles aren't attached to leg hairs. Carla led me across the floor and sat me down again. She put some cream on her hands and began rubbing it into my legs. Its cold I thought. It feels good. The stinging began to fade.

Carla resumed working on my hair- the hair on my head. She then unwrapped the towel from around my head. I felt her fingers working out the tangles as she rinsed it. After a towel drying and another tangle check, she took out a pair of scissors and started cutting. Okay, I need a haircut I thought, but what kind? I'm going to have to live with it for a while. Surely it won't be too extreme. After all, Mom knows I have to go home after this. She knew the difference between having a little fun with me and ruining my life. I took comfort in that thought and relaxed in the chair while Carla did her thing.

Carla worked quickly. Even though I didn't have the benefit of a mirror, I knew she couldn't have done serious damage in the little time she took at cutting. She laid the scissors down and led me to a chair with a dryer positioned over it. Once I was seated under it, she turned it on and I felt warm air circulating around my head.

I looked at her as she spoke. What was she saying? I couldn't hear her. The dryer was too loud. She pulled up a chair and sat down beside me. She reached for my lap and picked up one of my hands. Okay, she's filing my nails. This won't be so bad. It's not like I don't need it.

As she was doing my cuticles, I saw her lips move. Although I couldn't hear well, I still caught a few words. I think she said something about French and tips. Tips? Seeing as how I hadn't brought any money, I figured Mom would be taking care of the tip. Not knowing how else to reply, I nodded my head.

I was in some sort of dream world by then I just nodded and let her get on with it, I mean it's not as if I had any say about it, the menu had been set by Mom so let's just get it over with I thought. She began to work on the nails again more stuff being taken from a little trolley by her side. I closed my eyes might as well relax I thought.

There is something very relaxing about having a woman work on your hands. I don't think I went to sleep but I did kind of doze off. Maybe that's the same thing. Regardless, when I came too, Carla had removed the hair dryer. I could hear people talking again. My eyes were a bit out of focus as I looked down at my hands.

"Eh what?" I asked as my eyes adjusting to the sight. Yeah those are my fingers I thought as I flexed them. They're attached to my hands. So pretty, but…not on me!

Carla spoke. This time I heard her. "French tips," she said. "They look beautiful on you."

"Yes," I said. Fuck! This is getting way too permanent! I looked around the salon for Mom and Avril. I didn't see them. Where are they? This isn't funny! I'm not laughing. I was sure my mother didn't mean for this to happen.

Carla's breasts dangled in front of my eyes as she pushed the hair away from my ears. She doused a cotton ball with alcohol and wiped it against my lobes. Maybe it wasn't alcohol. It felt cold, almost numbing. Surely she wasn't about to do what I thought she was about to do.

I winced as I felt a sharp stab in my right lobe.

"Ouch!"

I heard another click. The sound was followed by more pain in the same ear. Oh my God, I thought. She just put two holes in my ear- a double piercing. She did it so quickly. There hadn't been time to react. I was still thinking about it while the same thing happened to the other ear. I counted the clicks and the ouches. Four holes? Oh my God!

My eyes watered as Carla fitted four gold studs into my new holes.

"Just leave them in for a day or so before you start using ordinary earrings. Okay," asked Carla?

"Okay," I said in a confused state. What was I going to do? Argue with her?

My confusion turned into a state of shock as Carla went to work on my eyebrows. I told myself it really wasn't happening. For all I knew, I wasn't even on a cruise ship or in a salon. I was back at home in my bed. This isn't real! I suffered through the torment of having the hairs from my brow plucked one by one.

Convinced that it wasn't really happening, I coaxed myself into making the best of it until I woke up. I wonder what I look like in my dream. I tried to dream up a mirror to look in but couldn't make it happen.

With that out of the way, Carla gave me a head massage. Now this is the works, I thought. It wasn't long before Carla's trained fingers put the pain of the past far behind me. I closed my eyes and began to doze.

"Almost done," said Carla. "I'll just re-do your make up a bit."

Still groggy from the head massage, I grunted my permission… as if she needed it.

I heard the bell on the door ring and looked up to see Mom and Avril coming inside. The woman at the front desk escorted them back to me. They stood in front of me as Carla rubbed soft brushes against my cheeks and over my eyes. I saw Mom and Avril both looking at me with smiles on their faces. Were they laughing? Did they think this was funny? What do they see? What do I look like? I imagined Carla painting me up to look as a clown. My dream had turned into a nightmare.

Carla removed the cap of what she said was a pinky shade of lipstick. Avril grinned as Carla ran it against my lips. All I could think about was how I would make it back to my room without too many people seeing me. I thought about what I say if someone confronted me. I'm a clown! I'm dressed for a show. I'm part of the ship's entertainment.

Carla put a tissue in my hand and told me to blot my lips. I'd done it before and did what she asked me of me without asking how or why.

"All done," said Carla to my mother. "So what do you think about your daughter?"

"I think she looks beautiful," said Mom.

"Yes, very good," said Avril.

Dream or not, I was desperate to see what Carla had done to me. Against all odds, I hoped for something nice as Carla took me by the hand and led me to a mirror.

Mom came up behind me and covered my eyes with her hands. "Not yet," she said.

My mom stopped walking. I stopped. She still had her hands in front of my eyes. "Are you ready to look," she asked?

I nodded my head from behind her hands as I considered the sweet sound of her voice. She didn't sound like a woman leading her son to death. There had been no cruelty in her voice. Her hands fell away from my face.

I looked. I gasped. My hands flew up to my face. I saw my mom in the mirror. I saw Avril and Carla. But where was I?

"Is that me?"

"Yes Honey," said my mother. "That's you," she said as she squeezed my shoulder lovingly. "What do you think?"

What do I think? I gasped again at my reflection. If what I was seeing was real, and Mom said it was, then I didn't know what to think. Or maybe I did, and it was good. But how do you say it?

"Oh my God, Mom! I can't believe that's me. I look like a woman, don't I?" I asked as I pinched a lock of long hair between my fingers. "But how did they do it? My hair! It's long. How did she do it?"

"They're called extensions," said Mom calmly, "Do you like them? What about the colour? I think it looks good on you."

I nodded unable to speak, that can't be me in there, my hair had been coloured a brighter blonde, it had been layered and shaped some longer stands combed from the right hand side fell over my face it seemed to have been lengthened somehow at the back as it fell and tickled my back.

"Is it some kind of wig," I asked? "Will I have to take it off before I go to bed?"

Mom laughed and said quietly into my ear "No dear, extensions aren't a wig," "It's like real hair tied to your real hair. You can't take them off. Why? Do you want to take them off?"

I shook my head no. "But what if I want to take a shower?"

"Then take a shower," said Mom. "Do anything you'd normally do. It's just hair and it's your hair."

I was thrilled and I was happy, but I was also scared and Mom could tell.

"Don't worry honey. We can take them out before we go home."

"Okay," I said. Her answer relieved me but left me somewhat disappointed.

"I'm really impressed," said Avril with a smile, as she took a step up to get a closer look.

"Okay girls. Let's get lunch," said Mom.

I picked up my purse and played with it while looking at the mirror as Mom and Avril paid for our salon visit.

I felt nothing less than beautiful as I strolled along the deck beside Mom and Avril on our way to the "Crow's Nest" restaurant.

After we were seated, Mom and Avril opened their bags and took out their cigarettes. My eyes inhaled them as they lit up. They were both such dignified and sophisticated smokers. The right side of my brain realized they were both hopeless nicotine addicts, succumbing to their needs- getting their fixes. The left side of my brain saw it differently. They made it look so glamorous and ladylike. I envied their bad habit and admired the way they made it look so acceptable.

I was staring, but I couldn't help it. I wanted my cake and eat it too, even though I knew it would never be possible. The salon appointment had been an incredible experience. Being with these two beautiful women as a beautiful woman was utterly amazing. It was the thrill of a lifetime. But cross dressing, while seriously taboo and exciting, isn't bad for your health. Smoking is.

Mom looked at me as she exhaled. I could see the love and pride in her eyes as she admired me as her well dressed, good looking daughter, as temporary as it might be. For the next several days, it was clear to both of us that I would be the daughter she never had. I would dress like her and talk like her and shop like her and eat like her, but I would never be allowed to smoke like her. After all, I was still her child. Who knows, I mean a few hours ago I was Michael a closet cross dresser and now look at me sitting in a restaurant outdoors as part of a trio of lovely women.

I understood her feelings and I respected them. The thought of asking her for a cigarette never seriously crossed my mind. I was still going to smoke, but I would wait until I was alone. The idea of smoking like a woman, even if I had to hide to do it, turned me on. I struggled with that thought all through our meal.

We ordered a light lunch and Avril once more took a dig at me about watching my figure. When was this woman going to give up, I wondered? I might be Tracey for real now, but staying out of Mom and Avril's way as much as possible was still very much a part of my plan.

After lunch, Avril suggested we work on our tans out on the sundeck. Mom thought it was a good idea, but I tried to beg off.

"Eh Mom, do you mind If I miss out? I want to call Dad and catch a nap before dinner. All this business has kind of tired me out a bit. Would you mind," I asked?

Mom seemed hurt that I didn't want to join her and Avril, but she said it would be okay. She reminded me that dinner was at 7:30. She said she'd knock on my door when it was time to leave.

As I got up to leave, she reminded me to dress smartly for dinner. No problem. I thought to myself. I was actually looking forward to getting back to my room and giving a second look at the clothes she had packed for me.

I hurried along the deck as I made a beeline for my room. I felt good as I walked. People were looking at me, and not in a bad way. I thought about the trunks in my room. I wasn't so pleased the first time I saw them, but this next time will be different, I thought as I opened my door and let myself in.

I saw something on the bed as I was going for my closet. What's that? I looked at the bed. I knew what it was but not why were they there. I looked at the door to see if I had been followed. I checked the door. It was locked. I returned to the bed and sat.

Looking down at the two cartons of Berkley menthol cigarettes sitting beside me on the mattress, I felt caught. The cigarettes were accompanied by a handwritten note. My heart sank as I picked up the note and took a deep breath. She must have found the cigarettes in my gym bag and this was her way of making me feel bad about it. If you knew my mom, you'd understand why I thought this.

You have to realize, as much as I wanted to believe my mom was good about me being Tracie, there was a part of me that felt she was doing it to make me feel guilty. She works like that sometimes. I think that she thinks that if she gives me what I want then I'll feel bad and I won't want it any more or get bored with it and move on to something else. Maybe it was that way with the clothes and the salon. Maybe it wasn't but maybe it was. And now there were these cigarettes and this note to contend with.

I prepared myself for the worst as I opened my eyes and looked down at the note.

"Dear Tracey,"

She'd started it out Dear Tracey. She hadn't called me Michael. My mom had called me Tracey.

"Your father and I have always been so proud of you Michael. You were always such a good boy. I always thought you'd grow up to be just like your father. I thought you'd be a man like your dad, rugged and athletic. You made us so proud the way you worked out at the gym after school. I guess that's why I was so surprised the day I walked in on you and found you dressed up like me. I guess you'd say I was shocked."

Okay. She said it. She made me feel like shit. I hate myself now.

"I don't want you to feel bad about this because I know it's not your fault."

Well that's just great Mom. You don't want me to feel bad about this. Well how did you think I'd feel?

"A million thoughts went through my head that day. I was angry and ashamed of you, not because I really felt that way but because I never saw it coming."

I continued reading her note with a heavy heart.

"It was Avril who helped me come to terms with it. I credit her for helping me to see this in a different light. She's the one that reminded me that Michael and Tracey are two different people. She told me that I didn't catch my son sneaking around in my clothes and stealing my cigarettes. She told me that I had walked in on my daughter while she was in the process of trying to be a woman like me."

Even though I was sitting down, my knees went weak.

"I don't want to encourage you to smoke and I would never have bought you these cigarettes, but as Avril said, the fantasy would not be complete without them, so I realise that as Tracey it is part of who you are, so for the remainder of the cruise you can act out your fantasy and smoke as a woman, but only for the remainder of the cruise and no longer.

Enjoy!

Love,

Mom"

Oh my God! My heart was beating out of my chest I could hear it as I lay the note on the bed and picked up one of the cartons. I noticed a lighter underneath it. I picked it up with my other hand and studied it carefully. It was slim and made of gold- the petrol type, the kind a lady keeps and refills. It was beautiful and I loved it. I couldn't wait to use it!

My mind raced as I tried to comprehend the cigarettes and everything else that happened to me today. Where was it going? Where would it end? The only thing I knew for certain was that it was real and my mother loved me. I didn't have a clue as to what would happen next. I did know that it couldn't last forever. We were on vacation and sooner or later all vacations come to an end. I didn't want this to end. Of course I didn't want to deal with the consequences of it not ending either. It wasn't like I wanted to face my father this way. I'd die if he knew what I was doing. But I couldn't think about that right now. None of what laid ahead mattered. There's only here and now, I thought as I stood up and pulled my trunks from the closet.

Twenty minutes later, I was still looking through the wardrobe. There were casual tops, shorts, little skirts with an emphasis on little. Some were longer and some were formal. There were clothes for every occasion. My mom must have spent a fortune on me. I found shoes galore! There were sandals, pumps, and heels in a variety of colours. What was I supposed to do with them after the cruise? Did Mom buy them for me to throw away afterwards? How could she expect me to throw them away? I can keep them, right? She'll help me hide them from Dad when we get home. Don't think about that now. Seize the day. Live in the now!

I slipped off the little flat shoes I had on and pulled out the white pair of heels. They were in a strange sort of soft mesh material. I slipped them on and stood up. Looking down, I admired the way they accentuated my calves and narrowed my ankles. By this time I was in physical need of a cigarette. At least I thought the need might be physical. Regardless, I wanted one. Oh my God, I'm going to smoke like a woman I thought as I tore open the carton of Berkley's and removed a couple packs.

I tore open the cellophane wrapping off one of the packs and shoved them both into my purse along with the lighter. Two packs in my purse I thought as I let myself out into the hall - just like my Mom.

A woman with her child passed me in the hall as I was closing the door to my room. She smiled and said hello. I said hello back. I'm a woman. She's a woman. I look fine, I thought as I hurried down the hall and up the stairs to the deck. My heels clicked against the metal on the stairs as I climbed. I love that sound I thought as I entered the sunlit deck.

I noticed the sun was coming from the left so I figured Mom and Avril would be on the other side of the ship if they were lying out. I knew I'd have to face them sooner or later. In a way, I was looking forward to it, but not just now. Right now I just wanted a cigarette. I needed time to adjust. I needed time to think about what was happening. I couldn't do that with Mom and Avril staring at me.

I spotted a quiet looking space of deck rail and walked over to it while opening my purse. Getting the pack out was easy; removing a single cigarette with my new long nails was a different story. I pictured myself spilling five or more from the pack. That wouldn't look sophisticated or ladylike. Don't be a klutz Tracey! Take your time.

I tried to look casual as I applied the ends of my nails to just one of the filters. Try not to make it look hard. Look like you've done this before. Finally I got one out, raised it to my lips and flicked the lighter into life. I pushed the end of the cigarette into the flame and inhaled. The Menthol taste filled my mouth at once. I paused, savouring the flavour and the moment before blowing out a cloud of smoke.

I'd been there a few minutes, my arm tucked under my breasts, standing at the rail, looking out over the blue ocean, when a voice sounded.

"Hey Baby, how's it going?"

I turned to see one of the ship's crewman dressed in his white shirt and navy trousers. He leaned against the rail by my side.

Oh great, I thought as I exhaled into the wind. Just what I need, some jerk hitting on me.

"Are you on holiday?" he asked.

"Uh-uh, no," I said curtly. "I'm just waiting for a bus." I took another drag from my cigarette and exhaled.

"I guess that was a silly question," he admitted. "So what's your name?"

"Eh Tracey," I said as I took another drag from the cigarette, nervously blowing out the smoke.

The young man's name was Armstrong. I knew this because that's what the older man in uniform called him. I supposed the older man was a commander of sorts.

"Armstrong! You know it's against the rules to fraternise with the guests."

"Sorry sir," said Armstrong.

The older man told the younger want to get a move on and get back to work.

"I need to go," he said as he stepped away from the rail. "Maybe I'll see you around?"

"Hopefully not," I replied as he left my side.

"Sorry about that Miss," said the older officer.

I assured the officer that I was okay and told him not to worry about it. He tipped his cap to me as I smiled and took one final draw from my cigarette before putting it out in a nearby ashtray.

I took one more look at the ocean before deciding to go back to my room and take the nap I had threatened to take earlier. I was still excited, but I was very tired from the stress that came with being so excited. What a wonderful day, I thought as I walked down the stairs that led to my cabin.

I woke up and cast a glance at the clock on the bedside cabinet, just gone 4pm. Plenty of time before dinner I thought, getting up I went into the bathroom and surveyed the scene in the mirror, still trying to come to terms with the new look Micheal/Tracey I combed out my ruffled hair. Mom was right these hair extensions felt and acted just like the real thing, as I held the hair and brushed through it. Happy that it was back in style and looking fresh I touched up my make up a quick spray of perfume and I felt ok to resume the day.

I still had a couple of hours to go before I needed to change for dinner so I left my cabin and knocked on Mom's door. No answer.

"Must be still on deck" I muttered to myself, I set off to do some exploring of the ship to familiarise myself with its attractions. Our cabin was situated on the second deck of cabins with one other floor of cabins directly below us. Each deck was named after a holiday resort; we were housed on the Miami deck. One flight of steps up was the first open walkway around the ship for passengers to stroll along. I wandered along the length of the ship; there were two restaurants at this level and a cinema theatre at the front of the ship. Climbing the stairs by the cinema I began to familiarise myself with the next level.

The second level consisted of another Theatre / Nightclub which boasted that Tina Carroll would be performing live their tonight. I continued my expedition passing another restaurant diner and then the small shopping mall where I had been tortured just a few hours earlier. I walked inside inspecting the shops that were there. As before, I noticed the Newsagent's displaying newspapers in several languages, small gifts, little replica's of the ship and another one. I assumed were part of the fleet. Sweets, cigarettes… eh cigarettes… I need one I thought to myself. I passed the salon spotting Carla inflicting some more torture on another passenger as I walked by. Also in the mall there was a shop selling beachwear and underwear, I stopped admiring a cute bra and panty set in the mannequin in the window, the set was pink lace with a ruffled white trim around the bra, cute I thought my own actions not really registering as I gazed in the window.

Out the other side I spotted some seats along the deck a bit. I sat down and opened my bag taking out my cigarettes I lit one up. I thought about what it might be like later sitting with Mom and Avril as three women smoking and chatting over a drink. Maybe that was not what Mom intended? Maybe she just bought the ciggies to be smoked in private and not in front of her. I made a mental note not to do it until her or Avril brought the subject up. I smoked the rest of the cigarette and continued on my voyage. Another restaurant a chapel and a small casino completed this level before I climbed the steps once more.

The decks above this level seemed to be a bit more spacious, larger cabins, more plush bars and restaurants. This must be where the rich people live I thought with a chuckle to myself as my expedition continued up each level to the top.

The next level consisted of a couple of tanning salons and a health club complete with Gym. I made a mental note to use the gym if Mom had bought me some leisure stuff that I could dress in as Tracey. A small bar was attached to the Gym before I moved upwards once more.

The final public deck consisted of more leisure facilities. A basketball and tennis court naturally indoors along with a couple of squash courts further along the deck with a solarium and bar. Very impressive I thought to myself as I looked over the rail and stared down the depth of the ship. The final deck was restricted to crew only and I assumed was where the main control room for the ship was. I looked upwards a person waving too me. Shit! It's Anderson! I thought tentatively waving back. I stepped away from the rails and started my trip back down. Glancing at my watch I noted the time just before 5.30 pm. Time to have a shower and get ready for the night ahead.

Back in my room I stripped off and switched on the shower. In the toilet bag, Mom had provided me some shower gel "Lotus Blossom." I unscrewed the cap smelling it. Definitely girl! But then, that's how I looked now. Taking it with me I stepped into the water, squeezing some out on to my hand I lathered my now smooth legs the breast forms Mom had attached hanging in front of me, no sign of maleness at all as my penis was safely tucked in its tube in the gaff I was wearing. This was awesome! I thought beyond any of my dreams as I continued washing for my night ahead.

I was drying my hair when there was a knock at the door.

"Micheal. Are you decent?"

"Yeah. Come in"

Mom opened the door and stepped inside.

"I just came over to help you with your make-up and your hair" she said, "You need to get used to doing it yourself but I though tonight I would give you a hand."

"Eh, thanks." I stammered, tying the towel around myself as any woman would - covering my breasts.

I sat in front of the dresser as Mom took me through the steps of make-up, using foundation, powder, eyeliners and eye shadow, a touch of blush for the cheeks explaining the way the use of lighter and darker shades in some areas could alter the face or open up the eye's. A crash course in cosmetics really. Soon my face looked just as good as it had when I left the salon and my hair was restored to all its glory.

"I'd better go and get ready" Mom said as she walked across the room "I'll see you in around half an hour" she continued as she opened the door. She was just about to close it when she popped her head back in "Oh I forgot, did you like your present darling"

My face flushed, I was tongue tied. "Eh, eh yes, thanks" I replied, with that she closed the door.

I finished dressing I chose a straight black skirt just above the knee with a split up the side to mid thigh. A white ivory blouse with pearl buttons sexy but classy not the usual type of thing I might have chosen for myself but then Mom was a lady and her choice was practical while mine was usually something rather different. With my feet encased in 4 inch heeled black leather stilettos, I picked up my bag and popped my lighter and cigarettes inside with some spare make up for emergencies. My hand shook as I dropped the cigarettes. The thought of lighting up a cigarette in front of my Mom set butterflies loose into inside my stomach. A deep breath... Tracey, time to go. I left my cabin and knocked on the Mom's cabin door within seconds Mom and Avril appeared both dressed stunningly and so off we set three classy well dressed women on route to dinner.

Our allocated restaurant was the Michelangelo Restaurant for tonight which was on the Buenos Aries deck just above us at the rear of the ship. The waiter showed us to our table and we sat down. "So Tracey, did you get Mom's present" Avril asked, my face once more turning crimson as I cringed under Avril's torment. I decided to hit back a little "Yeah I did and I gather that it was you who talked her into it, so thanks" I replied hoping to have scored a point. She smiled "No problem glad to be of service again" she said with a grin, oops 2-1 to Avril better stop before I get crushed I thought, ignoring the comment I lifted the napkin and opening it placed it delicately on my lap.

Dinner was served and we sat quietly eating. I scanned the dining room watching all the other passengers, not quite believing yet that he I was in full female attire sitting with Mom and Avril, the rest of the passengers, oblivious to my true male gender.

Avril's voice broke the silence, "What we doing after dinner?"

"I thought we could have a couple of drink's in the Sport's Bar on the top deck then hit that club you've been bugging me about." Mom replied. "What do you think Tracey?"

"Eh yeah sounds ok. But I'm not sure that I want to go to a nightclub, just yet" I replied.

"Well we can see" Mom said.

Dinner finished with coffee and I excused myself and went to the toilet, another first for me, in fact almost a disastrous first as my instinct almost sent me into the male toilet before my brain kicked into gear and I made a quick switch to the ladies. Inside another passenger stood touching up her makeup.

"Good evening. nice meal?" she asked.

"Lovely" I replied opening a cubicle door and stepping inside. A few minutes later I was also touching up my lipstick in the mirror before going back to Mom and Avril. We left the restaurant and walked along the deck.

"I'm not climbing all those stairs in these heels, better take the lift" Mom said.

We approached the lift and Avril pressed the button, soon we were on our way up to Funchal deck where the Sport's bar was. We stepped out a breeze fluttering through my hair as we walked along the deck. The night was darkening an impressive red sunset in the distance a reminder that we were headed to a hotter climate.

Mom found a table and we sat down. "Ok what's everybody want to drink" Avril asked.

"Get me a glass of Chardonnay, Tracey what about you" Mom asked.

"Eh the same please"

Avril headed off as me and Mom sat down. I was desperate for a cigarette but still nervous about lighting up in front of Mom. I know she had seen me before but I was still a bit anxious about it. Within seconds my tension had increased as Mom opened her back and took out her cigarettes opening them she held them towards me I froze.

"Go on then I'm sure you want to" she said.

I snapped out of my trance my fingers edged forward tried to grip on, damn these nails I thought.

"Difficult with long nails isn't it, you'll get used to it" her own long sculptured nail with the deep burgundy nail varnish pushed a cigarette upwards and out of the packet a bit. I took it out, sliding it between my fingers she flicked the lighter into life I leaned in a bit and pushed the tip into the flame inhaling as I did so the menthol filling my mouth.

"There now that's out of the way maybe you'll relax a bit" she said.

"Mom can I ask you something?"

"Sure darling" she said taking out a cigarette for herself and lighting it.

"Well when the ship docks will I need to stay on board, I mean you know my passport its… well… you know." I hesitated.

"Yeah the picture's not quite you is it" she smiled and took another drag from her cigarette as Avril approached with the drinks. "Don't worry darling you don't need the passport we all have a swipe card that activates a door, you only need that to get on and off."

"Oh" I replied taking a drag on my cigarette and blowing a cloud of smoke in the air.

"I think I've got yours here" she said rummaging in her bag as Avril put the drinks on the table. "Yeah here it is" she said handing me a plastic card with a photo of the ship on it. "Now put it away safely" she said, I opened my clutch bag and put the card inside.

Avril lit a cigarette for and picked up her drink "A toast" she announced "To the three best looking women on the this ship, and to lot's of girly fun," She winked at Mom, teasing me again no doubt, I thought as all three of us clicked our glasses together.

We spent the next few hours chatting and drinking. Around 10pm Avril decided it was time to go to the nightclub she had been banging on about on the deck below. "You coming Tracey darling" Mom asked me. "No it's been a long day, think I'll call Dad and go to bed" I said. "Ok give him my love" Mom asked as we walked down the stairs to the deck below. I left them and headed along the deck to the lift to take me back to my cabin. I passed another couple of passengers on route to the club nodded greeting's as I kept going.

A voice "Hello Babes we meet again."

Startled I stopped and glanced around. There stood Armstrong the sailor who had tried to chat me up earlier that day.

"Sorry. Did I scare you?" he asked.

"A bit. What you doing out here? Not working?"

"No. Just nipped out for a ciggie." he said as he raised a cigarette to his mouth, "Want one?"

"Eh ok," I opened my bag and took out my cigarettes taking one for the packet I lifted it to my mouth while I looked for my lighter.

"Here let me." he said taking his lighter from his pocket and flicking it into life. I moved forward and lit the cigarette taking it from my mouth. I blew a cloud of smoke upwards as I stood a couple of feet from him.

"Did I get you in trouble today" I asked

"Not really. Davies that's the officer is a stickler for crew and passengers not mixing" he explained.

"Oh, I'm sorry I was a bit of a bitch to you as well" I said.

"It's ok. It was a daft question asking if you were on holiday." he laughed. So did I.

"You been out?" he asked.

"Yeah me, Mom, and her friend went for dinner and a couple of drinks. They've gone on to the nightclub." I replied.

"You not fancy it yourself?"

"No it's been a long day and I wanted to call my dad."

"He's not with you then?"

"No he had to work. He's a policeman, working on that case of the two missing girls, you might have seen it on the news?"

"Yeah, I think I read about that in the paper." he replied dropping his cigarette and crushing it out with his shoe. Immediately taking out another and lighting it.

I stepped a bit closer and leaned against the wall. Taking a drag from the cigarette, I blew a cloud of smoke into the night air.

We made small talk for another couple of minutes while I smoked the rest of my cigarette, taking my last drag I dropped it and blew smoke downward as I stepped on it to extinguish it. I looked up. I'm not sure why, but I stepped in and kissed Armstrong on the cheek "Sorry about being a bitch today." I blushed.

Then something happened I had the unbearable urge that I wanted him to kiss me back, not just a peck on the cheek, but a full blown kiss. I wanted to be kissed as Tracey! Our eyes locked as he moved forward leaned in and found my lips at first they were closed and then parted allowing his tongue to enter. Our tongues played with each other a bit, his arm slipping around my waist and he began pulling me a bit closer.

"Ahem" a sound behind me I stopped kissing him turned slightly, my knees almost buckling as Avril stood behind me. Jesus! What is this woman? A stalker? A ghost? Why is it she always turns up at the wrong moment or when I'm doing something I shouldn't be? I broke out of Armstrong's grip and stepped back.

"Eh sorry. This is Mom's friend, Avril." I said, gesturing towards her.

"Pleased to meet you." he said extending a hand. Avril shook it.

"Eh, I thought you were going to the club?" I asked.

"Yeah, your Mom's there, but she forgot something. I need to go back to the cabin. You coming or staying here?" she sarcastically grinned.

"Eh, I'll just come with you. See you." I glanced back at Armstrong, hesitating a bit, aware of the fact that I didn't even know his first name.

"It's Chris" he said smiling at me.

"Ok. See you Chris" I said as I stepped away and followed Avril.

We reached the lift in silence, inside another couple of guests so there was no conversation. I hoped they were going to further or at least to the same floor as us. But alas they got off a couple of floors above ours. The doors closed.

"He seemed nice." Avril said.

"Look it was nothing, please don't tell Mom!" I pleaded.

"Quite a number of secret's I'm stacking up for you here" she said.

"It won't happen again, I don't know why I did it" I said.

"Yeah I know dear. We all like to explore our sexuality a bit from time to time." Her hand reached over and squeezed mine. I froze as she did my heart, beating a little as the doors opened. We stepped out into the corridor of our deck.

We walked back, side by side, to the cabin. Once we reached them we both took out our keys and began to open the doors.

"Sleep tight Tracey, I'll see you in the morning" Avril said as she pushed the door open.

"Eh thanks. And please don't tell Mom!" I pleaded once more.

Avril winked at me and closed the door behind her; I pushed back my door and stepped inside. Sitting on the bed I put my head in my hands "Fuck! How do I always get caught?" I'd got away with dressing for years and now in the space of a couple of weeks I had been caught twice and now, the first day that I can live out my fantasy as a girl, I get caught snogging a guy! If luck was food then I would be positively anorexic. I picked up my mobile and called home.

"Dad is that you?" I said as I heard a voice.

"Yeah son. Are you having a good time?"

Well if you call sitting here dressed in a short skirt and blouse and heels a good time, then yeah. was what I wanted to say.

"Eh yeah it's been good so far. Mom said Hi." I said.

"Where is she?"

"Oh she and Avril went for a couple of drinks. I was tired so I just came back to the cabin." I said.

"Ok tell her I miss her, will you?"

I could hear music in the background, "Dad is there someone there with you, and I can hear music"

"Just another couple of officers we were having a beer together long day today" he replied.

"How's the case going" I asked.

"Eh we got a good breakthrough today, can't say much but watch the news the next couple of days there might be some progress"

"I will" I replied.

We continued with some mundane chat before we said our goodnights and I hung up. Fifteen minutes later, with makeup removed and clothes put away, I slipped into bed dressed in a little pink nightie. Today had certainly been different and there were eight more to go.

  

  

  

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