The Beating Heart                     by: Janet L. Stickney                  JanetLynn17@Hotmail.com

 

It was so quiet that I could hear my heart beating, but that didn't really mean much. If a brass band had been playing I think I still would have heard it! I had made up my mind, taken precautions, prepared carefully, and now, for the first time, I was about to go outside of the house. That's not so new of course, except that I'm wearing a pink and white skirt with a white blouse and white flats, my hair brushed out, makeup done as well as I could do it. The scent of the gentle perfume surrounded me as I stepped out of my room, walked down the stairs and out the back door. The night air caressed my nylon clad legs but I did not shiver. A soft breeze blew up against the skirt and I held it down, then I walked out of the yard and started down the street. Late, the bright moon lighted the street and I could easily see my way. Down the street to the corner, a quick dash across the busy street, then once again the silence of the night surrounded me. I walked to the school and back that night, relaxed after the first few blocks. It was exhilarating to be outside, dressed as a girl, with no one to bother me. I made it back to the house, then, once in my room I closed the door to savor one last look at her in the mirror.

My name is Brian, I'm 15 now, stand 5'6" in my bare feet, and would just die if any of my friends saw me this way. As I undressed and once again hid the clothes, I felt the shame of my compulsion wash over me, and vowed not to do it again, knowing it wasn't true. The hot shower washed away the makeup and perfume, but not the shame or fear. I was torn between my fear of discovery and the elation I felt every time I became the girl Janet, which is what I called myself. Janet Lynn. My emotions always ran rampant every time I got dressed. Hate and fear mixed with elation and exhilaration that turned my mind into a jumble. No matter how hard I tried, even after tossing out my stuff a few times, I always returned to her. Janet had an effect on me like no other and I simply could not deny her. Lost in thought during my walk, which was as far as I had ever walked before, I took the biggest risk when I walked past my friend's house. I knew he was at the game so I was safe, but just the same, it was a huge risk, and I knew it. I just had to do it. Something inside forced me.

Life went on for a few days and I reveled in the fact that I had once again managed to escape detection. Then Christine, my friend's sister, caught me alone and asked if she and I could talk. She and I walked home together that afternoon.

"You looked quite nice the other night. Pink is your color."

My heart stopped in a frantic moment of fear and went I went silent, and almost stopped cold in my tracks, but managed, barely, to keep pace with her.

"Pink"?

"That was you the other night Brian and we both know it."

Sweat was running down my back, and I groped for the words to deny what she said. If this got out…

"Don't worry about it Brian, I won't tell anyone. I think it's kind of neat!"

Her perky manner only made it worse, but I held tight and waited. Christine is 16, a year ahead of me. A blond, she had the looks and face that drove a lot of guys crazy, and a body to match. Only 5'2", she seemed larger somehow as she told me she knew my secret.

"Anytime you want some help, just call me, okay?"

I didn't answer her of course. The rest of the walk home was filled with the tension of discovery that had just ratcheted up my nerves to the point of breaking.

"Have a nice day dear?"

"Hi mom. It was okay I guess, just school."

"Go clean your room and come down for dinner at six."

I went to my room, made the bed, cleaned the dresser, and the opened the closet. Right there in plain sight were the clothes I had hidden so carefully! The pink and white skirt stuck out like a sore thumb among the other drab colors, the blouse was hanging next to it. Momentarily stunned, my mind went blank, then I knew that at a minimum, mom also knew that I dressed up! Things were going from only horrible to majestically terrible all at once! My first reaction was to hide them again, denying everything, but why? I closed the door to the closet, instantly afraid to face mom. I felt the tears come to my eyes as I realized that I had no place to hide now. I wiped my eyes, used the bath, then looked at the closed door of my room, and knew that I had no choice. I simply could not avoid whatever was going to happen next, so I opened the door and went back to the kitchen. The table was set and mom joined me as I sat down.

"I washed and pressed your skirt and blouse today. Really Brian, you know better than to bunch up your clothes like that, just put them in the wash and I'll do them along with everything else."

Her cavalier attitude about finding a skirt and blouse in my things, made me wonder if she was still my mother, or simply a mirage! I was sure that my best policy would be to remain silent, so that's exactly what I did, but she did not drop it like I expected.

"It's a shame that you feel you have to hide things from me Brian, we've always told each other what's bothering us, or the good things we experience."

Mom has piercing green eyes that seemed to rivet you in place, and I knew that she wanted an answer, or explanation, or something. I tried the old standby.

"I just wanted to see how I would look, that's all. It's nothing mom."

"I see; then starting way back when, it was always just to see how you look? Tell me, how do you look?"

How was I supposed to answer that? I thought I was beautiful, but of course I wasn't, and I knew that too. At best, I looked barely passable in daylight, at worst, just a boy in a dress.

"Can I see you all dressed up?"

"I'll think about it mom." It was the best I could do at the moment. Dinner went down hard that night because I had to get it around that ugly lump in my throat.

Mom never mentioned it again and the clothes remained in my closet, a constant reminder that she knew. Christine never mentioned it either, and I began to think all was well in the world once again, until the next Friday that is.

"Brian, I insist that you get all dressed up and let me see you. I don't care if you dress up, I care about how you look if you leave the house. Now go get changed, and do the best that you can. If you like, we can do this in the morning, but before noon tomorrow I want to meet this girl that lives here with us."

"Mom! No!"

"Oh yes. Is it going to be now, or tomorrow Brian?"

I had stubble all over me from the last time I had dressed up, and it always took me a while to get ready, so with a heavy sigh, I said,

"In the morning mother."

"I'll look forward to it."

Her smile gave away nothing as she went in and flicked on the television while I started towards my room. I hated the procedure but it was necessary to become hairless, so I rubbed on the cream and waited. Gratefully the shower restored my skin to a healthy glow, hairless, but glowing. My hair was clean and I slipped on my pajamas and lay in bed watching my own television, prepared to get up early so I could get dressed.

I was up at seven and completely dressed by nine. It was the absolute best I had ever done. I wore the same pink and white skirt and white blouse, my makeup done in muted tones of green and gray, my eyes outlined in black and my hair in a ponytail. My lips were red, my shoes white, but inside, I was still yellow. It took me almost twenty minutes of staring into the mirror to convince myself to open the door, then, when I did, I walked out, straight into the kitchen all in a rush. Maybe just to get it over with. The moment of truth had arrived and I was ready, scared of course, but ready for whatever she had to say. Our eyes locked for only a moment, then hers drifted to my feet and back to my head.

"Not too bad for someone with no training in makeup and hair. With a little help you'll be quite pretty as a matter of fact."

"But I don't go anywhere mom! Why do I have to get better?"

"Because I say so that's why. If I'm to have a part time daughter then I want her to look as pretty as possible. And speaking of having a daughter, just what is your name?"

Mom wanted it all. Standing here like this wasn't enough, no…now she wanted my name!

"Janet" I said, "Janet Lynn".

"That's a very pretty name dear! Now lets go to my room and see what we can do to help you a bit."

My angst level was soaring as I let her take my hand and lead me to her bedroom and sit me at her vanity. She had me wash off my makeup, then starting with foundation, she showed me how to apply everything.

"First, apply foundation using two fingers to spread it out evenly but not heavy."

After that came a dusting of powder.

"The foundation will absorb what it needs, and after you brush off the excess, your skin will be all one color and look natural. Try it."

This was something new to me, and as soon as I brushed the excess off I looked better than I ever had! The quick grin that came to my face gave away my glee, but mom never said anything. After that came the eyeshadow and eyeliner.

"Use the pencil, but dip it in baby oil first. It makes it draw on a bit easier."

I did it, and did not miss the drag caused by a dry pencil, and the line was smoother and more accurate!

"We'll hold the rest for later. Right now we'll do your hair."

My ponytail was let out and mom used a spritzer to wet my hair, then she began to put in some rollers. Pink, in minutes they covered my head, then a gel was wiped on and I had to wear a plastic cap and sit under the dryer for thirty minutes before she began to take the rollers out. As I watched she turned my normally straight hair into a mass of curls brushed out in a very feminine style.

"Put some blusher on and then some lipstick while I find the right jewelry."

Within minutes I wore small pink and white earrings and a thin gold chain around my neck, my lips, now a soft red and the gentle scent of perfume completed what mom had in mind. I went to her mirror, and for the first time saw the real Janet, the one I had been searching for all this time.

"Sit down again and we can do your nails Janet."

Half an hour later my nails were filed to a short but rounded end and painted in a plum color.

"Now we can enjoy a coffee on the patio!"

In my heart of hearts I knew that nobody would ever guess who I was, but the very thought of going outside, in the daylight, made me shiver.

"There's nothing to be worried about Janet. This is your house and you can dress however you like here."

To her it was simple. For me, I had to leap over the long held belief that going out in daylight was a death knell.

"Coming?" mom asked.

I held back at the door for a moment before I managed to take the first step outside, then quickly walked to the small table where mom had a carafe and two cups for us. I lifted the cup to my lips, sipped, and saw the lipstick print I had left on the rim. Everything about being outside dressed as a girl was tantalizing, from the fresh breeze as it wafted through my hair to the way the sun felt on my face. I felt my hair lift and wanted to brush it down, but when I saw that mom didn't do it, neither did I.

"That is your only outfit isn't it." I nodded my head yes, then,

"I never go anywhere, so this is just fine mom."

"Yes I'm sure that you think so, but it's not. Weather changes, different events change what you need and so on. Even things like lingerie. Having only two pair of panties is pitiful! You need to get at least a dozen pair, and you should have two bras at the minimum. Also a nice dress and a suit, both with shoes and jewelry to match."

"But why? I have no intention of going anywhere like this!"

Mom got a startled look on her face, and then I saw Jim, my best friend walking towards the patio!

"I have to go in mom!"

"No. Stay put and see what happens."

"Hi Mrs. G. Is Brian home?"

"No, I'm sorry Jim, he's gone for the weekend."

Jim's eyes drifted to me and held me for a moment, then he said, "Okay. Tell him I came over."

"I'll do that Jimmy."

Jim's eyes, still on me, made me very uncomfortable, so mom tried to help me.

"Jimmy, this is Janet. She's here for the weekend."

"Hi Janet, nice to meet you." My voice would come out as a croak if I spoke, so I simply nodded my head and he left!

"See! I told you that you looked fine! Jimmy didn't recognize you at all!"

"Yes but…"

"That only proves that what I knew was true Janet. You are a very pretty young lady, and even Jim thinks so. I'll bet that he calls later just to talk to you, and maybe ask you out."

"He'll be disappointed mom, because I won't talk to him, or, especially, go out with him this way!"

Mom said nothing, but poured another cup of coffee for both of us.

It took a while, but I calmed down, then, just as we were ready to take things into the house Christine showed up!

"Hi! Jim said there was this fabulous girl here named Janet, and he asked me to check her out."

"Hi Christine, this is Janet, Janet, Christine." I wanted to crawl into a hole and just die.

"I'll go in and let you girls talk."

Mom picked up our cups and went in, leaving me alone, stranded, with Christine staring at me. She sat next to me and said nothing for a moment.

"I knew that you would look spectacular Janet, I just knew it, and here you are! I was right!"

Sweat ran down my back even though it was moderately cool, and I wondered what devious thing she had in mind.

"Jimmy is in love Janet. You're all he talked about, from the minute he walked in the house until he asked me to come over."

Finally, I got up the nerve to actually say something.

"Then he'll be sorely disappointed Christine, because this is the one and only time you, or he, will ever see me this way. I'm going into change in a few minutes, and never, ever, do this again!"

Her smirk, then snort, told me she didn't believe that for a minute. "No boy can look as good as you do unless they really wanted too, and liked it. You might go in and change, but never again? Hardly. Just admit it Janet, you like the way you look right now, and wouldn't change unless you had too, which you don't." She moved her chair closer to mine and touched my hand. "You look spectacular Janet, and nothing at all like your boy self; even Jimmy didn't recognize you, and he's known you since you started school! How much more reassurance do you need?"

"A lot Christine. Jimmy saw a girl, but I never spoke to him, and sat glued to this chair the whole time. The way I walk, move, talk, all of that would give me away in a minute, especially my voice, and I'm not willing to lose all of my friends over this."

"You just need some practice in being a girl Janet, and what better way than to get out of this house and do something?" Her eyes locked on mine and I was unable to say anything, because my mind was conjuring up all sorts of calamities if I left the safety of the house. "How about going to the zoo with me? Just you and I, maybe your mother too? I was just about to say no when I heard,

"I think that's a wonderful idea Christine! Let me get our purses and we can go."

"Mom!"

"Janet, quit complaining so much! It'll be just the three of us, and you need the time out of the house. Now wait here and I'll be right back."

Christine was smiling at me while I was both eager and scared at the same time.

Mom drove, with me in front with her and Christine in the back. We walked to the gate, mom and Christine easily matching strides while I struggled to take the same step they did. As soon as we walked inside and we were side by side, it became easier, and the farther we walked the more relaxed I became. The day was sunny and warm, but not hot, and my makeup didn't slide off my face like I thought it might. Mom and Christine were careful not to make me do anything I couldn't, or wouldn't do. But both of them kept after me in the way I used my hands and so on, and after an hour of that I managed to go almost twenty minutes without them complaining about my actions. The zoo was crowded with kids of all ages, but they seemed to arrive in bunches and we avoided most of them. About noon we stopped for a soda and a hotdog, and both of them asked me how I felt.

"I'm still nervous a bit mom, but nobody has bothered me so far, so…okay I guess."

"You just need some more time out Janet."

I looked at Christine, wondering what plot she was hatching inside the head of hers.

"They have those dances at St. Mike's on Saturday, want to go?"

"No a chance Chris!"

"But why? You look fabulous!"

"No."

Mom had not yet said anything, which worried me. I expected her to jump in and save me, but she didn't. Nobody mentioned it again, and we eventually got home about four.

"Think about the dance Janet. I'll stop by tomorrow and we can talk some more."

I said nothing as she walked back to her house, leaving mom and I staring at each other.

"If Chris had wanted to give you away she had plenty of chances today Janet, and she didn't. I think you should go to the dance, at least once just to see how it goes. I promise you that when I'm done with you there isn't anyone that will think you're a boy."

"But she'll tell Jim, and he'll be there too!"

"Doesn't he usually go anyway?" I nodded my head yes, and mom smiled.

"Then Chris won't have to tell him to go would she?"

I said I would think about it, turned and started for my room. "Don't change honey, we're going to the mall after we eat something."

It was not a question. I was going. And, I was going as Janet, and from the look on her face, mom meant it, so I simply quit fighting her and set the table.

I can't say I was dragged, let's say I was very concerned when we went into the mall. It took mom all of two hours to get what she said I needed. I had more panties, two more bras, three skirts and four blouses plus three dresses and two more pairs of shoes. We also bought more makeup, so I would have my own mom said. On the way home she stopped for ice cream, at my favorite place, then we went home. I was in my room hanging things up and putting things in the dresser when mom walked in.

"I'm not going to push you into anything Janet, but I insist that when you feel the need to dress up you do it, but I want you to do your very best every time. No half way stuff. Okay?"

"Okay mom, but why are you doing this? I mean, it's not like I do it every day."

"Because you need it Janet. You needed it when you were a child and you need it now. Why you do feel you have to do this I don't know. What I do know is that males that dress as girls and women never quit. I also know that most get caught because they don't try hard enough, don't look feminine enough, or know how to act like women. I intend to see to it that you are able to go anywhere, do anything, and be as feminine and graceful as any other girl your age when you're dressed up. I won't put you into any predicament, but I expect you to face reality and cope with it the best you can. I also think that you should go with Chris on Saturday."

"But everybody will be there mom!"

"That's probably true, but if nobody recognizes you as a boy you'll know you can go anywhere won't you?"

Mom had a point, only my fear kept me from saying I would go.

"Wash up and put your nightgown on, and remember, we have church in the morning."

I slept lightly that night, wondering if I should attend church as Janet. I was caught between my desire to do it and my fear of discovery. I wanted to simply jump up and say I liked it and to hell with everyone, but what then? If I went to church dressed as Janet I stood a serious chance of discovery, but then, maybe not. That was the crunch. I got up early and looked in the mirror. My hair showed signs of my new hairstyle, my body, still hairless, gave me comfort in knowing I could do it, all I had to do was get ready. I opened my dresser and pulled out the pink panties and slipped them on. I shaved as close as possible, then used my new makeup, putting it on just like mom showed me. The dress I liked the best was the black one, but didn't think it was right for church, so I pulled out the navy dress with the white polka dots all over. The waist nipper pulled me in tightly, making my hips seem wider, the pantyhose slid up my legs easily, the bra, a new one, was one of the new Pushemup styles in a demi cup. White, it had lace trim on the cups and fastened in the front. I slipped it on and secured the fastener, surprised that it had pulled some of the excess flesh on my chest into the cups!

I went to the dresser and used my birdseed breastforms under my own skin to fill out the cups. Just looking, I had what appeared to be twin mounds of flesh, each held in place by the bra. I pulled the dress over my head and was zipping it up when mom came into my room, and quickly helped me zip up the dress.

"This dress looks so nice on you Janet!" I went to the closet, unsure of which pair of shoes to wear. "The white ones honey." My feet slid easily into them and Mom told me to come into her room so she could do my hair again.

Mom did my hair again, then she got dressed, in a dress identical to mine! She wore white shoes, her hair was done similar to mine, then she opened her dresser and handed me a set of earring and a necklace. I clipped them to my ears and she fastened the necklace. All of the jewelry was white, in a kidney shape, and like the dress, her jewelry matched mine. She colored her lips with the red lipstick then handed it to me, and I did the same. Lastly, she gave me a white clutch bag that had a brand new wallet inside.

"Transfer your drivers license, pictures and so on to the new wallet, add some tissue, and this lipstick."

Then she spritzed me with the perfume.

When I was finished, mom let me drive us to the restaurant for breakfast. There was plenty of reason for me to be afraid, but it had been my choice, so we walked in together, and I acted as if I belonged there. We were seated, then I saw Chris and Jim, with their parents sitting across the room. Chris waved at me, Jim lit up like a light. Mom saw them and we waved back.

"Chris looks very nice today, doesn't she?"

"Of course she does mother, Chris always looks nice."

Our meal was served and we ate in silence, almost finishing when Chris, Jim and their parents stopped at our table.

"Morning Kathy. We're having a small picnic later at our house, and we would like you and Janet to come along. I think Jim is quite excited about having you over for dinner."

I wanted to dive under the table but couldn't. All I could do was smile, especially when mom said we would be there. After they left…

"Are you out of your mind mom? Jim will read me in a minute if we get close up and I have to talk!"

"I don't think so Janet, but we'll find out later won't we?"

At church not one person figured out who I was, or if they did, nobody said anything to us. Mom introduced me as Janet, no niece or daughter or anything like that, simply as Janet.

"That went quite well Janet, don't you think so?"

"You said you wouldn't put me in any predicament!"

"That's true. That's exactly what I said, but I also said I expected you to face reality and cope with it. Jim and Chris invited us, and we could hardly say no without telling them why, could we?" I said nothing, then, "You didn't want me to say you're afraid because you're a boy in a dress did you?"

"Of course not, but…"

"But nothing Janet. This is exactly what you need. Now lets go change for the picnic."

No question, no do you want to go, nothing! I followed her to my room, watching as she opened the closet and pulled out a skirt and blouse.

"You can wear this, or shorts Janet, what do you think?"

I had never worn shorts before, but at a picnic it seemed more natural, so I hung up the skirt.

"You'll find shorts in your dresser, but let me help you take that dress off."

As I slipped the dress off, mom sat on the bed and watched, then, "I had a brother that liked to dress up as a girl. He was really quite pretty too." I saw her reflection in the mirror, and turned to face her. "He killed himself when I was 18, over this same issue. Back then nobody wanted to listen to him, especially dad, and when he couldn't stand it any more he dressed up and shot himself." I saw the tears in her eyes as she looked up at me. "That's why I'm so insistent that you dress as Janet when you feel like it, and that's why I bought the clothes so you can."

Now I knew why, and it all came together in a flash.

"I'm not going to lose you to something as stupid as wearing a dress, which is why you're going to the picnic, and that dance. You don't have to prove anything to me, you have to prove it to yourself."

Mom got up and left me to finish dressing.

I sat on the bed and took off the pantyhose, then stepped into the shorts, pulling them tight to my waist. The top was a green pullover that contrasted with the khaki shorts. I put my gym shoes on, removed the white earrings and necklace, touched up my lipstick, and went into mom's room. She was on the bed crying, and I went to her, holding her tightly as her tears ran down her cheek.

"Promise me that you'll talk to me before you do anything stupid."

"Mom, I'm going to the picnic, and I'll be myself. When, not if, Jim figures it out, I'll tell him myself, and no, I won't do anything stupid."

She wiped her eyes and let me rummage for the right jewelry, then she changed into her shorts and top. Together we made a dish to pass, and later, we walked across the backyards to their house. Christine saw me first, then Jim came out, a smile on his face. Mom made the introductions, but I saw Mrs. Wilson staring at me, and I knew that she knew. I nodded my head at Christine, and she grabbed Jim's elbow, pulling him to me. The three of us walked to the pool, and I faced Jim.

"You looked at me like I was a piece of raw meat and you were a tiger. Did you like what you saw?"

He stared at me, then his eyes went wide as he realized who I was. I stood there, ready to fight or run, depending on what he did.

"Jimmy, I asked her to be here today. I think you two have a lot to talk about." Chris left Jim and I facing each other.

"I never had a clue you were…I mean that you liked to dress this way! Never!"

"You didn't answer my question Jimmy." He said nothing, then his head dropped and his foot scraped the ground.

"Ya, I guess, but I didn't know it was you!"

"You thought I was one hot chick until you found out it was me, right?"

"Ya."

"What's changed? I mean, I look just as good don't I?"

"Ya but…"

"But what? Jimmy, I have been doing this for years because I have to. I didn't just decide one day to ruin my entire life, lose my best friend, and make an ass out of myself. I don't have a choice, so I do the best I can and hope for the best."

He looked up at me, and I saw a tear in his eye! He stood there as I reached out and wiped it away, the red on my nails flashing in the sunlight.

"Jimmy" I said softly, "I need you to be my friend."

He smiled that perfect smile of his and seemed to stand straight up.

"You know what Janet, you got the biggest balls of anyone I know!"

"Thanks, but I think I hide them well!"

"I'm glad you told me, because now I know what's been bothering me."

Jim took my hand and we sat on the grass, facing each other. "I've been having this dream about a girl I didn't know. She simply appeared one day. Long legs, a knock out figure with a gorgeous face, and what's more, she was in love with me." He started to fidget, then blurted it out. "You look like the girl in my dream!"

The minute he said it he got up and ran in the house, leaving me sitting there alone. I walked back to the house and saw mom and Mrs. Wilson talking in the corner, Christine was helping her dad, so without Jim, I sat at the table. Mom and Mrs. Wilson came over and sat down with me.

"Your mother explained things to me Janet, and you are welcome here whenever you like. I don't understand it, but I can accept that you need it."

"Why did Jimmy run in the house?" I wasn't about to tell them why!

"I don't know mom. I told him, we talked, then he went inside."

"It sounds like you two have a few things to work out Janet. Go up and talk to him."

I looked at Mrs. Wilson, who was nodding her head. I went in the house and up to Jim's room, knocked on the door, and heard his voice. I opened the door, went in and shut it, my back to the door, facing him. He looked sullen and angry, then he jumped up and came to me, standing inches away.

"You!"

"Yes, me. What about me?"

"You're the girl in my dreams" he said, then he grabbed me and kissed me, right on the mouth!

Taken by surprise, I did not resist, even as his tongue pushed on my lips. I did not open my mouth and he finally let go. We were both panting hard, his anger and lust to my surprise and shame, combining to create an atmosphere thick with doubt, lust, and fear. He did not move back, and his hand was still around me as a smile broke on his face.

"Good kisser too." He pecked me lightly on the lips, and reached back to open the door. "By the way, I'll pick you up at seven for the dance."

I wanted to ask him why he assumed I would go, but he knew I would, so I let it go. As we reached the kitchen he took my hand, and we walked out together.

His dad was grinning, but he did not know about me yet by the way, mom looked concerned, Mrs. Wilson aghast, and Christine was glowing. Me, I was merely floating. After the picnic Jim and I stayed out, talking, just the two of us.

"This is the only time Jim. After this I'm done with it."

"Is that right. Are you sure?" He was facing me, the moonlight casting a shadow across his face, then I felt his arm snake around me and he pulled me closer. "I think you'll be back Janet, and this is why."

His lips touched mine, gently at first, then as I moved closer, the kiss grew harder, with passion and heat growing between us. His tongue slipped into my mouth and I let him explore, then I felt his hand on my bottom, squeezing me. He broke away and left me panting, unsure why he was doing this, yet unable to say no to his advances. In my own dreams I had seen this happen, the face of the boy blurry and unseen. Now I knew who it was. He pulled me to the grass with him, then pushed me back. His hand went to my stomach as he kissed me again, then he found my breast. Both of us were lost in our dreams when he touched me there. I wanted to move away, but he pushed me down and I did not resist him as he stroked me.

I could feel his hardness on my leg, then he rolled on top of me, holding my arms down over my head. He lay there, his hardness pushing against me, a clear sign that he wanted me. He rolled off, then put my hand on him. That's when I jumped up and ran home. Mom saw me come in, my makeup and hair undone, my clothes with grass stains on them.

"Come sit here with me. We need to talk." I sat, then mom smiled at me. "I think it's time we had our mother daughter talk about what is proper and what isn't." I wanted to say I didn't need it, but didn't when I looked in her eyes. "Jimmy is a handsome young man and you're a pretty young lady, that happens to be a male. That doesn't seem to go together does it?" I said nothing. "He is attracted to you, we all saw it today, but we're all concerned for both of you. If you were a girl, I know that you would do the right thing, but as a male trying to be a girl, with no training, you might not do the right thing. Maybe if you became a girl all of the time that would change, but what if you don't? What then?"

Exactly. What then? I knew how to make Jimmy happy, but I couldn't do it. I wanted to, which surprised me a lot, but I ran inside instead. What if I had done something for him? I ran to my room and scrubbed my face, washed off the perfume and stripped off the clothes, jumped in bed and lay there, unable to resolve my internal conflicts.

I had kept my secrets for so long, so afraid of the reaction I would get, that I never once considered that anyone would think me attractive, especially my best friend. I lay there naked, only the scent of aftershave in my nose, and it was Jimmy's. Mom had said that if I were a girl I would know what to do. What to do. Those words echoed in my head all night. In the morning I did not get up right away, my eyes drawn to the clothes in the closet. Boy or girl, safety or desire, the quandary not new, just my own. When I got up, I started to the bath, then grabbed the bra and put it on. I shaved again, then padded the bra, pulled on a skirt and top, did quick makeup, stepped into my flats and went to the kitchen. I poured a coffee as mom watched, then sat at the table. She sat across from me, her arms on the table.

"Being a part time girl will be very difficult Janet, but if you think you can manage it, go ahead and try."

"I can't do that mom."

She stared at me, then, "I see. Going full time as a girl will be just as hard, and what about school?"

That was exactly the quandary.

"I have all summer to work that out mom."

She said nothing and I helped her do the dishes. Later, we sat on the patio and talked some more.

"I don't think you can go to school as a girl. The other kids would crucify you, if not verbally, then physically, maybe very bad. I can't let that happen to you." We stared at each other for a moment, my thoughts on what she had said. "I know that you have learned more about yourself in two days that ever before, and you liked what you found, but we have to face the reality Janet. Then she shocked me. "When you touched Jimmy, did you like it? Did it make you feel like mush inside?"

How did she know that? I was torn between trusting her and needing her help, admitting that I touched Jimmy, and worse, liking it.

"Well?"

"Yes."

"I thought so." She sat back and looked at me, her eyes calm. "I think that from now on we should limit your outings as Janet to special occasions, like the prom, or maybe a dance once in a while, at least until you're out of school."

As much as I wanted to dress as a girl, I was glad she said that. Now I would have some control over events, and time to think things out. I went to my room, showered, washed off the makeup and changed into my own jeans and a tee. About the time I went back in the kitchen Christine showed up.

"I see you changed again. Does that mean no to the dance?"

"That's what it means Chris."

"Jimmy scared you didn't he?"

"Huh?"

"He was so excited when he got home last night that he almost couldn't stand it, and you were the reason. He has it bad for you as Janet, and now you say she is gone, just like that!"

Chris sat down and we looked at each other. She had it all. Looks, personality, figure, and a quick wit. Me? I was scared at the reaction I got from Jimmy, and worse, that I almost did something for him that many girls do, but not any boys that I know of. I wanted to become Janet all of the time, but reality said no, and I had to live with it.

"He told me he asked you to the dance, are you going?"

"I can't" I said, and ran up to my room, leaving Chris there alone. Every fiber of my being was screaming for me to get changed and go see Jimmy so I could try to explain why I wouldn't be back. I knew that I could not, so I lay on the bed, tears welling in my eyes, tormented by my own self imposed prison. Mom was right about school. After the recent shootings in a few high schools because some of the kids were just a bit different. That made what I really wanted to do risky at best, probably very dangerous, and incredibly stupid for me to appear as a female. The only way I would be able to do that is if there was no doubt in anyone's mind, and if there was, I could prove them wrong if I had to. As I lay there I heard the door open, then close. Her soft hand on my back gave me the strength to turn and look at her. It wasn't mom, and it wasn't Chris either. It was my Grandmother!

"I think that we need each other right now." I hugged her tightly, letting my tears soak her blouse, then she pushed me back. "Your Grandpa and I lost a son to this, and we do not intend to lose you as well. We made mistakes back then, but now we know better. When your mother told us about your… change, we knew that we had to help you in any way we could." She held me at arms length, then told me to get changed. "I want you to do your best Janet. Ask your mother to help you if you need it. I'll be in the kitchen waiting."

She left the room, leaving me to wonder what was going on, but obviously, mom had called her, and now she wanted to meet me as Janet. I quickly undressed, went in the bath, and covered myself with the hair goo again. She wanted to see a girl, so I decided to do my best. It took me a bit longer than an hour to get ready, with mom helping me with my hair. I wore the tan skirt with a black top and my low heels. Mom said nothing as I walked out of the room.

As I walked down the stairs my feet made no sound on the carpet, then I stepped into the kitchen. Both of my Grandparents were there waiting for me. Grandpa was staring at me, his mouth open, Grandma smiling at me, patting the chair next to her. I sat, but I was ready to bolt at the first sign of anger or disgust. We all looked at one another, then Grandpa spoke up.

"I hear that there is a boy that is attracted to you, that you want to live as a girl all of the time, but can't find the nerve. Is that right?"

It was all I could do to nod my head yes. My Grandfather is a tall, robust man with a shock of white hair. All my life I have known him to be a take charge, direct kind of man, and now was no exception.

"I still don't understand this, but I made the mistake of not doing the right thing once before, and it won't happen again."

I saw the tears forming in his eyes as he remembered that terrible sight so long ago, and stood up, walked over to him and hugged him to me. We said nothing as our tears joined on my top, soaking into the thin fabric.

Then, "Why don't you gather up your things. You'll be staying with us for a while."

Simple, direct, and right out of the blue! I looked at mom who merely smiled and nodded her head yes. It took mom and I an hour to pack, then I left with them.

Nobody said much on the way over, but when Grandma and I were alone she told me that if I wanted to live as a girl, then I would have to stay with them. They are in a different school district, and of course, if I took their last name, I will have effectively disappeared. She and I hung things up, then she sat on the bed with me.

"Your Grandfather loves you dearly honey, but he is from an age when this would be grounds for beating. He is trying to cope with your new… status the best he can."

"I know Grandma. I'm struggling too." She stood up and went to the closet and began to hang my clothes up, then, "What about this boy?"

Could I tell her Jimmy was in love with me and wanted to be closer? Could I tell her that I almost did something unthinkable for Jim just a few days ago? How could I say that I liked the taste of his lips on mine? Or that merely being close to me made him fill with lust? I was simply unable to say it, but she must have guessed.

"He's my friend. I've known him since we started school."

Grandma said nothing for a moment, then, "We all know that you can be a boy one day and a girl the next, but if you stay here with us, I think it would be better for you to become a girl every day. That is why you're here isn't it? To feel free to dress as a girl?"

I nodded my head yes, then she sat next to me on the bed.

"This boyfriend of yours has known you since you started school, right?"

Another nod yes, then, "I'll bet that his friendship with you has turned into something more Janet, for both of you."

Grandma said nothing more about it, and we went into the kitchen to make a small lunch. Grandpa wasn't there.

"I have a friend that makes things for people who are handicapped, and I was wondering if we might go see her. She might be able to help you. Maybe a nice breastform or hip padding. Want to go?"

For the last few days I had taken a lot of shocks, which always made my heart beat hard as I had to cope with events that seemed to take over my life. From secrecy to having my best friend find out, had happened quickly, and I had not been prepared. Grandma was willing to help me, even suggesting breastforms and such to help me with my confidence. But my Grandfather was still an enigma for me. His own son had killed himself over this same issue, and he himself had told me to come live with them, but seeing me as a girl every day, knowing the truth, might strain our relationship, and possibly send him back to the time when boys that wanted to become girls were beaten. The only thing that would stop him is the memory of the past, the blood splattered on the wall, the lifeless body of his only son crying out to his intolerance. All of this ran through my mind quickly, yet my Grandmother sat there, calmly waiting for me to decide. The door creaked open and Grandpa walked in.

"This will be your room. After you decide what color to paint it, we'll get you a vanity and mirror."

My eyes locked on his, looking for some sign that he was ready to crumble and resort to his old ways, but he smiled at me!

"Don't worry about it Janet. My job is to protect you while you're Grandma turns you into a lady. Now get unpacked and lets have a bite to eat. I'm starved!"

Grandma and I made a quick lunch, then she took me to see her friend. As it happens, the woman owned a company that sold things on the Internet to help boys and men like me look more like girls! She wasn't even a tiny bit fazed when Grandma told her that I was a male, but that I wanted to be a girl. Simply pointing her finger she directed me to a changing booth, telling me to strip naked! Embarrassed doesn't quite describe it when I stepped out in that tiny wisp of a gown she gave me. Grandma had left, leaving me to endure whatever was going to happen alone.

"I make a panty that will give you the look of a woman, but I usually have to work from color samples my clients send in. However, seeing that you're here, I want to try out a new product I have developed. As we go along I'll explain things for you. Now, sit over here."

After that, she mixed and stirred colors until she was satisfied, took a mold of my upper chest, then, as it dried, she had me stand up and fold my manhood a certain way. Using a small bit of tape, she held it in place, then began to brush on some kind of gray rubber. As soon as I was completely covered, she let it dry a little, then did it again, three more times. When it was completely dry, she and I peeled me out of it, and I was allowed to watch. Form both of the female molds, she made male molds which she then used with some standard molds she had available. By her calculations, my weight, height and so on, she said I should be a B cup with a 36 inch hip. Placing one mold inside the other, she created first the breastforms, then after a few other alterations, a panty. The edges seemed so feathery, but she explained that once I had them on, it would look as if the were my own. Both the breastforms and the panty matched my skin color exactly, which was still a mystery to me how she did it. It took both of us to get the panty on, and I discovered why she had me hold my manhood a certain way. As she pulled the panty into place, she used a special adhesive to secure it at my waist, and just like she said, the seam disappeared! The panty would, according to her, allow me to function as a woman in every way! I was still gasping at what that meant when she attached the breastforms to my chest, using the same adhesive.

When I looked in the mirror I saw that the panty had the familiar narrow patch of hair most women have, surrounding a thin, mounded slit! I ran my finger up and down it a few times, when she told me to try to insert it, and I did! My finger slipped inside of the panty! I yanked it out as she grinned at me, then told me to get dressed. By the time Grandma returned, I had a lecture on how to keep myself clean, and an admonition not to mention by new abilities. She wanted to tell Grandma herself. I was still struggling to get my bra on when Grandma showed up and helped me. Her eyes took in what seemed to be my own breasts coming out of my chest, and I heard her intake of breath, then, while I finished getting dressed, the woman told Grandma about my new abilities. On the way home I heard about it too.

"Being able to have sex does not mean that you are a woman Janet. It only means that you will feel better about yourself now. Your mother didn't give herself away, and don't expect you to either. Understand?"

"Yes, but I wouldn't do that!"

"We all say that, then along come some handsome hunk that lights our senses up and turns us to mush, which is when most girls get into trouble. Your mother tells me that there is a boy that likes you, a close friend I gather. You can stay friends without sex Janet, but remember, men can't help being the way they are. We attract them, and all they want to do is mate, so I can't imagine this young man is any different, but I don't want to have you trying to mate!"

"Grandma!"

We both looked at each other, then laughed. Since I did not have the right size bra, we went to a local discount store and picked up a couple plus some new panties. She also let me get a dress and skirt plus a pair of shorts and a swimsuit. Then we went home. Grandpa didn't see us come in, so Grandma told me to change into the swimsuit and come out to the pool. I could hardly wait. I ran to my room and changed into the unfamiliar suit, but it fit me real well, and with my breasts pushing against the thin material and my groin now exactly like any other woman's, I walked out of my room and to the pool. Grandpa was lounging there when I walked out. His head snapped around as his eyes locked on me. I walked over and sat on the edge of the pool, then slipped into the water. I saw him watching me as I swam back and forth, then I climbed out. The material the suit was made of was clinging to me, outlining very clearly my shape, my breasts and of course, the thin slit where there should have been a lump. Without a word I grabbed a towel and sat down.

"You look…different! A lot different!"

"The woman Grandma took me to is an artist Grandpa. She helped me feel like a real girl. Do you think I look like one?"

"Maybe too much Janet."

The next morning Grandma began my lessons by teaching me how to get dressed! I thought I knew, but of course, I was all thumbs. With breasts sticking out, she showed my that by fastening the bra in front then spinning it to the back, I could slip my arms into the straps and pull it up. Then it was a simple matter of adjusting myself in the bra cups. I also got a lesson on personal care from Grandma. How women take care of themselves and so on. I didn't realize that I would have to treat the panty as if it were myself, just as if I were a woman. Day after day she would show me something else, like how to walk. Use my hands, sit down and so on. Hours on end I practiced what she showed me, and I quickly got tired of it. Yet each day she would insist that I dress, do my makeup and hair, then present myself to her for approval. If I did something wrong, I got to do it over. A week went by, then two. Grandpa had begun to speak to me as if I were a girl, calling me Princess a few times even. Grandma would merely smile and keep at it with me. On Friday of the third week I had been with them, Grandma took me to her salon. With no idea of what to do, she only introduced me to the stylist, and sat down to watch.

The woman allowed me to pick out a style I liked, then suggested another, and I agreed. Having never been in a salon before I had no idea what to expect, and didn't say a word as she washed snipped, trimmed, rolled, added chemicals and so on, then I spent half an hour under a dryer. While I was there another woman came over and started on my nails. Again, I had no idea what she was doing, and simply let her continue. By the time my nails were done the stylist was ready, and as I watched in the mirror, she removed the cap, and I saw that my hair was now blond! A very curly blond! I almost jumped at her, then she started to brush out my hair, and all at once it all fell into place. Curls across the back and down the sides, a wavy top with bangs swept to one side. It was fantastic! I didn't look anything like my old self in any way now! She pierced both ears and pushed in the plastic insert, then a thin gold hoop earring into each earlobe. I almost floated when I stood up.

Without a word Grandma paid the bill, then we went to the mall.

"We're having guests for dinner tonight, and I think that you should have a nice party dress for this occasion. Maybe we can find a few other things I think you'll need."

"Who's coming?"

"Your mother, and she's bringing along some friends. Your Grandpa thought we would go to the country club for dinner. They have a band and so on you know."

Clearly she wasn't going to tell me who the other guests were, but I could guess. Jim and Christine. The first place we went into was a lingerie shop. I picked up a waist nipper and a new bra, both in peach. From there we went to the makeup shop where I had my face redone, and I bought almost everything she used on me. Grandma was spending a lot on money, so I figured that she wanted me to make a splash by being as perfect as possible, and determined no to let her down. In the dress shop she and I both searched the racks, and came up dry. On a whim I suggested a department store, so we went there, and the very first dress I saw caught my eye. A pale mint green sheath, it was sleeveless, cut with a square neckline, and looked fitted, so I tried it on. Both Grandma and I liked it. She said it was my color, and I liked the short hemline. From there we went to the shop store and I picked up a pair of white single strap heels, then we went home. Grandma told me I had about three hours to get ready, so I ran to my room and smeared on the hair removal cream. After that, a shower followed by a bubblebath. When I stepped back in my room there wasn't one extra hair on my body anywhere, my face shaved as close as possible. I slipped on a pair of panties, then sat at the vanity to do my makeup.

In the makeup shop I had been shown a few tricks, and I used them. When I was done my face looked as natural as I could make it, my eyes done in shades of green and gray with copper highlights. Black eyeliner and pencil to outline my eyes, mascara and blusher. It took me a bit longer, but it was worth it. The waist nipper did a wonderful job of making my waist 23 inches, but it was a bit tight. Pantyhose and the short slip were next, then the new bra, which hiked my babies up real nice. I "fluffed" them like Grandma showed me, then slipped the dress over my head. I zipped it up and straightened it out, admiring the way my cleavage was pushing so hard against the material. The shoes went on easily and I fastened the strap, then added white button earrings with a matching choker style necklace and a thin white bracelet. I did my lips in a soft red, and dabbed perfume on my wrists, elbows and neck. I changed to a white purse, then walked down the stairs and into the familyroom.

Grandpa was there, and he immediately popped out of his chair when he saw me.

"You look wonderful Janet! So much like your mother at your age."

"Thank you Grandpa."

Grandma joined us, and a few minutes later I heard the car in the driveway. Grandma told me to go into the kitchen and wait there, so I scampered out of sight while she let mom and her guests in the house. I could hear them talking, then I heard my name called. I walked out of the kitchen, around the corner, and stepped into the familyroom. Mom stared at me, her mouth in a wide smile. Standing next to her was a man I didn't know, then Christine, and beside her, Jim.

"Everyone, This is our Granddaughter Janet Lynn."

Chris rushed over and gave me a hug, then Jim took my hand in his. A gentle squeeze, and he let go.

"Honey, this is Michael. He and I have started dating, and I thought it was time he met you. I've told him what a wonderful daughter you are, and how pretty you are."

Michael took my hand and shook it while giving me a big smile.

"We'll have to take two cars. Jim, can you drive my car? I'm sure Janet and Christine would like to ride with you. We'll all go in Mike's car."

Jim took the car keys, then Chris and I joined him for the short drive to the club.

"Damn Janet! You look good! Your mother didn't tell us where you went, and we thought you might have had a nervous breakdown. But just looking at you I can see that you spent your time becoming a real knock out!"

"Thanks Chris."

Jim said nothing, but I caught his eyes looking at me a few times, and smiled to myself. I now looked as much like a girl as Christine does, and I could tell by his expressions that any thought that I was a boy had escaped his mind. Every bit of the training Grandma had put me through all meant something now.

I took one arm, Chris the other, and let Jim walk us inside, then escort us to the table. Mom was sitting awfully close to Michael, but she looked very happy for the first time in months. Jim sat between Chris and I, Grandma on one side, Grandpa on the other. Grandpa kept the conversation going, drawing us all into it, showing off his tremendous skills as a facilitator. I found out that Michael is an architect, specializing in homes. Not knowing how much he knew about my circumstance, I merely followed the conversation until he asked me how long I had known Chris and Jim.

"Oh, we've grown up together! Jimmy, Janet, and I all attend the same school, and always have. We're like sisters."

Chris had saved the day, and Jim simply nodded his head in agreement. Now, unless Mom told him differently, he would think I was born a girl. Nobody even flinched, so I smiled at Mike and let it go, but he sent my heart beating hard, just by being with Mom. What if they got serious? Married! What then? Dinner was served, then Jim asked me to join him on the patio, so I accepted his hand and left the table. I could hear my heels clicking on the floor, even over the music. We walked out into the moonlight hand in hand, then down the walkway into the garden. He stopped by the big oak tree, slipped his arm around me, then pulled me close and kissed me. Both of his arms went around me as I lay limp against his chest. The scent of my perfume lingered around us as his tongue found mine, and his hand slipped lower. Now my heart was really beating hard. I had no shame kissing Jim. After all, I'm a girl now.

"Janet you look simply spectacular tonight!"

"You're kind of cute yourself Jimmy."

"Tell me. Why am I so attracted to you Janet?"

"Because I'm the most beautiful girl you know?"

"That's true, but we, you are a…"

"No Jimmy. Not now. Now, tonight, with you, right here, I am a girl. I was always a girl, inside anyway, but how could I tell you, my best friend that I wanted to look like Chris? How could I do that? Mom is the one that made me face this head on. I was afraid of losing my best friend forever if you found out."

"I'm not running now am I?"

"No…"

"Janet, my Mom told me that you are what you are, and I have to accept you as my friend however you dress or look, or send you away. I can't do that. I…I think that I…"

"What?"

"Janet, I'm in love with you. Don't ask me why because I don't know why. All I know is that the minute I saw you I knew that you were the girl of my dreams. But I was scared because I knew you. I knew what you were."

"And what am I Jimmy?"

He took my hand in his, looked me right in the eye, and smiled. "You're the most beautiful girl I know, and I want you to me mine."

His lips touched mine again, drawing a shiver down my back as we both made our friendship into more. Right at that moment, if we could have, I would have let him take me, make me his woman, because I felt like a woman, his woman. He and I went back inside, but not to the table. He held me tightly, then stepped onto the dance floor. I had no trouble following him.

As the evening drew to a close we all went back to Grandma house. During coffee I asked if Chris could stay for a few days, and got the okay. Jim clearly wanted to stay as well, but couldn't, and we all knew it. Mom and Mike took Jim home, while Chris and I went to my room. I handed her a nightgown, then, without a word, began to undress. When I had the dress off her eyes popped open, but when I took the pantybrief off she swallowed hard enough for me to hear it.

"Oh! Didn't I tell you? There have been a few changes Chris."

"I see that! Does Jimmy know?"

"Of course not! I'm not that kind of girl!"

With a giggle she also began to undress, then we lay side by side in my bed. Like most of the boys in school, I had thought of doing this very thing, but now, even if I wanted to, there was no way. The special panty does not allow me to get an erection, and in any case, my equipment is all inside the panty. I didn't even let that thought into my mind, because I am a girl now. My only thought was Jim, and what I had wanted to do to him tonight.

Chris and I stayed up late, just talking, about Mom, Jim, her parents and our friends.

"Jimmy is in love with you, did you know that?"

"He told me tonight."

"Mom says that for you to go this far means that you should have been a girl all along. Dad doesn't get it, but he has accepted it."

"I've been dressing up for years Chris. I just never left the house."

"You could have told me!"

"Ya, right. You would not have accepted me this way until now Chris and you know it. Think about it. What would have happened if I had shown up one day when we were 12, all decked out in a jumper, blouse and Maryjanes, my hair in pigtails? I would have been creamed and you know it."

"I suppose. But what happens when school starts in the fall? Are you going to give up being Janet? I can't see that happening!"

"I'm staying here Chris. I'll be attending the school here, as a girl."

"Jim won't like that at all Janet."

"I don't like it either, but what can I do?"

Eventually we both fell asleep. Chris was up first, then I got up. We both wore shorts and tops to breakfast. Grandma let us clean up the dishes, then we decided to use the pool, but she didn't have a suit. It was Grandma that suggested it. She told us Grandpa would be gone all day, so I looked at Chris, saw her get that look she gets, and we both stripped naked, right on the spot, and jumped in the pool. I know that she was shocked to see that I looked just like her, I saw her eyes go wide. But she said nothing, and we spent an hour or so just playing in the pool. Grandma gave us each a towel, and that's what we wrapped around ourselves as we went back to my room.

"You have really changed Janet!"

"Keep a secret?"

"Sure!"

"I can function just like you can Chris, in every way."

I could see her running that through her mind for a moment, then her eyes went wide as she grasped what I had said.

"But that means that you and Jimmy could…"

"But I won't Chris. Not now anyway."

I know she wanted to ask me how I did it, but she didn't. Since there was no defined seam at my waist line, all she could assume was that I had become a very real girl in every way. Chris and I shared a lot that weekend, growing very close. She told me secrets about Jimmy, like the time she caught him in her clothes. He had been completely dressed, makeup and all! He had sworn to her that he was trying to find out who the girl in his dreams was, and she believed him. Now he knows. It's me. I was allowed to drive Chris home on Sunday, then I went to see Mom. The strange car in the driveway told me that Michael was there. I knocked once and went in. Mom was in the kitchen making a snack, Mike sitting at the table.

"Janet! Come. Sit down and have a snack."

As I sat down I could feel mike's eyes on me, and I didn't like it at all. I felt as if I was being undressed. In general terms, I told mom what was happening at Grandma's, then told her Chris and I had had gone skinny dipping in the pool. Her eyes went wide, but she remained silent and didn't ask me how I managed that little trick. Mike seemed friendly, and pleasant, yet he made me feel uneasy. I stayed about an hour, then had to go back. Mom and Mike walked me out to the car, and on the way I felt his hand on me. Without the slightest sign, I spun around and grabbed him right by the manlies and looked him in the eye.

"I don't like having your hand on my ass pal. If you ever touch me again I'll take these right off! Get it?"

He was very busy standing perfectly still and did not answer me, so I gave them babies a tweak and he squeaked out a "yes". Mom was having a fit, but I didn't let go. I looked him in the eye and smiled, then released him.

"This guy is an asshole Mother. You can do better than this." I turned to face Mike again, and he backed up a little. "If you touch me again, or hurt my mother I'll be very unhappy, and I'll tell some of my friends. I'm sure that they can teach you some manners!"

With that I got in the car and drove away. I was angry at Mike, mother and myself. Then I realized that I had felt his hand on me, which meant that I could sense touch through the special panty! By the time I got to Grandma's mom had already called her, so I had to fill her in on what had happened and why I acted like I did. She told me I was right, and not to worry about it. If Mike were to hurt Mom, well Grandpa had lots of connections, and I'm sure he would take care of it.

The next morning Grandma once again started in with her lessons. Sitting, walking, talking, how to wear what and when, what all the clothes were called, now and in the past. I had to wear a hat, which I hated, gloves which made me feel sexy, and all sorts of odd things, like a full corset. Now that hurt, and I could hardly move in it. Grandma laughed and told me that most women hated them, but I had to wear it for a few hours before she removed it. Jim came by twice, and each time we found ourselves staring into each others eyes. He sent me flowers, then, on Friday, he took me to dinner. As he drove me home he stopped and pulled me close to him. Passionate lips and eager hands searched, then found their goal. He wanted me, and I wanted him to want me. In the back seat of his car I hiked up my dress and slipped my panties off, then unzipped his pants and guided him home. I held him tightly as he made love to me, then, all at once, he filled the panty and slowly pulled out. I stopped the flow with a tissue and slipped my panties back on, then, with a grin on my face, I put my hand on his still throbbing manhood. Still slick, I massaged him as he lay back, his eyes closed in delight. When my lips touched him I knew I was committed, but did not care as I let him slip through my lips. As only the young can do it, he was ready, and soon erupted again. He slowly died, then he put it away, leaving us again staring at each other. As my hand lay on his chest, I could feel his heart beating the steady excited throb I felt within myself, and smiled.

I started school a week later, and began the drudge of school work. But I met many new friends, and was soon caught up in many school functions with them. Mom had dropped Mike like a hot rock, and was now dating a guy in her office. Grandma had become my mentor, while Grandpa my protector. Chris and I saw a lot of each other and shared a lot of mutual friends. Jim, the love of my life, started dating a girl in his school, which made me wonder if he had simply used me. Chris said he was just lonely for me, but I'm wasn't sure, and started dating a fellow at my school. It was a long year, and I saw Jim only three more times. The last time he told me he had found someone else. I did not tell him I had too. Grandma had warned me about men, and in a fit of lust I had given in only to be cast aside. I knew that I would not make that mistake again. Fortunately I can't get pregnant.

I was about to graduate when Mom and Bill announced they were getting married, and I was caught up in a whirlwind of parties and wedding plans. Of course, I was the Maid of Honor, Chris and a woman from Mom's office the other Bridesmaids. Soon after the wedding I graduated, and as a gift, my Grandparent's sent me to a clinic to begin my transformation to womanhood. Bill was never told of my true status, and he treats me as if I were his own daughter. I think he's a great guy, and I know he and Mom are happy. I see Chris once in a while, but I never see Jim any more. Chris told me he's still crazy about me, but he's afraid to call. His loss I guess.

I finished my program and became a woman in every way. At age 21, I am free to do as I wish, but there is one small problem. I was in the hospital, sedated after the surgery, yet I could feel the hand of a man on mine, the gentle caress of his lips on mine. I knew it wasn't Bill or Grandpa, but I was so tired I simply could not open my eyes. 12 hours later I did, and there sat Jimmy, sound asleep, still holding my hand in his. I touched his hair, now darker, and rubbed my hand down his face, feeling the stubble of his beard. His eyes popped open and he saw me. It was like the first time we met. Lightening flashed between us, then, he put his head in my lap and began to softly cry. I held him until he stopped, then he looked up, bent over, and kissed me again. "I love you Janet" was all he said, but it sent my heart beating once again.

If life is a circle, he and I have gone around it twice, yet we always return to each other. This is my man, and I know it now. As soon as possible, I will be his woman. Who knows what the future will bring? Maybe nothing, maybe more. All I know is that we belong together. He makes my heart beat like nobody ever has. I love him.

 

 

© 2000

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