BE FOREWARNED. The following story contains sexually explicit material not suitable for those who have not yet achieved the age of maturity. If you should fall into this category, do not read further. Consult the laws of your community to clarify if you are eligible to read adult sexual material. The theme is transsexual. If this type of reading matter offends you, read no further. Go do something else.

Copyright 1996. All rights reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced for compensation without express permission of the author.

 

Armed Forces               by: Virginia Kane           © 1996

 

PART ONE

Foreword.

Tony stood before the mirror thinking: "How can I go away to college and live in a dorm with other guys for a whole year, and still meet with my ‘dream girl’?"

He quickly slipped out of his clothes, strewing them about. He stepped into the closet, rummaged under the hung clothing for his oversized gym bag in the furthest recesses of the closet.

Tossing the gym bag on his bed, he stopped, cautiously turned to the bedroom door, paused, and slowly turned the privacy latch, relaxing somewhat. No sense in creating a disaster by being caught while enjoying his favorite pastime.

He searched the gym bag, smiled, and pulled out his most prized undergarment, a long-line, front-closing, black-on-black demi-bra with red satin ribbons in vertical rows in the patterned strong, yet very flexible nylon structure.

The plastic stays hidden behind each of the satin ribbons provided the garment’s firmness. The satin, underwired demi-cups, with their frilly, semi-transparent, scalloped lace edges could hardly support a well-endowed woman, but could effectively disguise a near-girl’s lacking with the synthetic built-in jell sacks

Facing the mirror again, Tony wrapped the bra around his slim torso. Sucking in his waist, he stretched the bottom edges of each side toward his belly button and began to attach the tiny hooks into the tiny rings facing them. Each successive hook made his tummy disappear a bit more, constricting what little baby fat he had into its confines. Turning, he looked down over his shoulder to see if the plunging rear neckline was in position to maximize his appealing contours. Satisfied, he continued to attach the remaining hooks while bending forward, near in half to force an upward and forward gathering of flesh about his chest into a semblance of a bosom.

He reached into each cup to pull up his miniscule orbs higher and to the center of his chest to emphasize the ersatz mounds with a hint of cleavage. He then shook out his pageboy wig, fit the snug cap of the hairpiece to his head, and combed it into place. He then stepped into the matching black panties with red bows, and smiled at the vision before him in the dresser mirror.

"To hell with it!" He muttered. "I’m not going to college yet! I won’t be without you for a whole year. You’re beautiful, even without makeup." He sat before the mirror and applied a bit of mascara to his eyes, blush to his cheeks, and bright red gloss to his lips. "You’re the girl of my dreams. College can wait a year, maybe two. You’re another reason I have to convince mom and dad, somehow, that I’m simply not ready for college, yet."

 

Chapter One. An Abrupt Decision.

Tony mused for hours on end. He was stuck on a good way to postpone going to college. He was seventeen, just out of high school, weighing his options for the future. He considered himself a regular guy, not one of those bookworms or eggheads or a "preppie" type that took advantage of the parents and went to college to take up "Space" just to keep from working for a living and live off them for a few years more, sowing wild oats.

He didn’t have a clear career objective at that point and felt he needed to earn a little money on his own. He also wanted to gain the experience of self-sufficiency for a while before selecting a good, life-long occupation. He didn’t want just any education; it had to fit. He wanted more time to explore his options, to avoid choosing the wrong curriculum and waste time and money, changing direction after he completed a part of one course of study, then choosing a different path.

His folks disagreed. Why couldn’t they see things his way? He just wasn’t ready yet. His mom and dad felt he shouldn’t "break stride" and start college right away, so that, just in case he had to drop out of college before graduating, he’d at least have one more year of college education under his belt and be savvy to the college routine. They felt that in the event he really felt needed to take a break, and take a year off, he’d have some of his higher education behind him, and have an easier time getting back into college as a sophomore or junior, than trying to apply as a "freshie" who didn’t continue directly out of high school. They said college students who continue right after high school have better completion rates. Right, they complete but with the wrong education! His staying in school was a big deal to them, and they didn’t seem to respect his approach.

They tried to convince him by explaining that employers pay college grads better, and don’t care too much about the type of degree a novice attained. Then told Tony he was being "too immature" to realize the mistake he was making.

He couldn’t accept it. He was angry and offended by their lack of confidence in his being able to handle matters in his own way. He was so angry, he made a big blunder, and perhaps proved them right about his being immature, because he suddenly left home, determined to show them how mature and self-reliant he was. He felt he knew enough to handle it, Even if they weren’t. He decided to venture out on his own, without their help.

"I’ll show them!" To prove his point, he stormed out without having enough brains to cover his butt by preparing for his departure without burning all his bridges.

Later, looking back, he realized just how immature he was at the time. The way he left, without so much as a proper good-bye must have hurt his parents deeply.

He felt bad about that, when he learned how tough it was out on his own. He didn’t think they’d want him back or have anything to do with him for the way he walked out without any consideration for their feelings.

He also realized that he should have trashed all the cross-dressing magazines and books he left hidden in his bedroom closet. He was sure they would have come across them by now and knew his secret. He’d be too embarrassed to go back and face them. What must they think of him…?

 

Chapter Two. Independence.

At first, he was very excited about the prospect of being out on his own, without repression, free to do as he pleased. It was "real kewl" and he was the envy of the few friends he had until he realized his dwindling cash supply wasn’t going to enable him to survive in the manner he was accustomed to living. He decided he’d need a job or he’d become one of those "street kids" he heard about. Even his friends began to treat him with disdain because he always seemed to have an excuse for not joining in the activities which required spending a few dollars. He began to lie to them about not being interested, but he acknowledged that they knew the truth: he was broke.

A few of his good friends offered to pay his way, which was gratifying that they valued his friendship enough to "carry him over", but he knew that might cause hardship on them, and lead to the loss of their friendship. Having no place to live, he spent too much time at their homes, staying over, and that was beginning to strain his friends’ relationships with their parents.

Without knowing any better, Tony thought it would be easy to find work the his thriving community. It was, if he wanted to sling burgers or do some other menial task with the sweat of his brow for a pittance. Lots of newspaper ad sounded great, but time after time, the reality of the jobs portrayed had some catch to them, more often than not. Usually, they required selling something at an inflated price to friends or relatives. He couldn’t do that. He’d rather admit defeat and return home to his parents, and accept their directives.

His prospects loomed dimmer and dimmer. After about a month away from home, with no appreciable funds, going home with his tail between his legs was fast becoming his only option. It was that, or find a job, quickly. One that provided a place to stay, as well, was what Tony needed. The weather would start to get cooler soon, and he didn’t even take a heavy coat with him when he left home. He couldn’t continue to hang out at the airport or bus terminal every night; the police were already looking at him suspiciously. He was spending hours and hours there, bored to tears. Finally, a glimmer of hope appeared in his destiny…

Louise, his steady girl friend worked as a "candy-stripper", a volunteer at the local hospital. She told Tony that the hospital was in need of a few young men to work as orderlies on the night shift. They preferred young male students at the medical school that was associated with the hospital, but not enough of the students were in need of a job. The rigors of the pre-med program were too much for most of them to handle as it was, without working full-time at night.

The hospital administration preferred young men to fill the orderly positions at night, due to concerns for the safety of young girls commuting back and forth for the late shift. They experienced a high rate of turnover with female orderlies in the past.

Tony felt that Louise saved his bacon, once again. What a gal! She seemed to come up with the perfect solutions, just when he needed her most, when things seemed their bleakest. Let me tell you a bit about Louise.

Louise and Tony spent the entire previous nine years in school together; ever since Tony moved into the neighborhood when he was in the third grade. She lived a few blocks away, and they usually walked to school together soon after he met her, and yes, he dutifully carried her books for her. Over the years, they confided in one another, talking about their futures, music, movies and shows they liked the best, as well as a host of other things that appealed to each of them, and what didn’t. They had a lot of common interests. Tony grew to love Louise very much. His parents liked Louise, and her folks were really nice to Tony, so he assumed they liked him, as well.

Louise’s father treated Tony like a member of the family. While Tony was waiting for Louise to go someplace together, her father would say leading things to Tony like: "I’m sure glad Louise has a good friend like you, Tony, to protect her; so I don’t have to worry about her when you two stay out late after school, or attend functions together. Someday, when you’re a father, you’ll appreciate what that means"

"Now, why’d he say something like that?" Tony would wonder.

Once, Louise’s father told Tony: "So many young fellows are only interested in compromising a girl’s character, but a nice lad, like you, with a good upbringing, puts my mind at ease." The platitude would make Tony blush. Was he really a nice boy? Would Louise’s father feel the same if he knew about the magazines and books about cross-dressing Tony kept hidden away in his closet? Not!!!

Just when Tony would start to feel guilty, Louise’s father would put his big arm around Tony’s shoulder and hold him close, one armed…. Tony would get a very strange sensation when it happened. It was very embarrassing to have someone outside of his family treat him that way. Unrelated men aren’t supposed to cause another male to feel…. sensitive. It was thrilling, but scary. Part of Tony wanted to be held close, while part of him would shudder at the thought that another male was holding him under his arm. It confused him. He truly wanted Louise’s dad to like him, because Tony liked the man’s daughter, very much. Tony wasn’t sure he also wanted the man to hold him for some other reason. He wasn’t sure if he understood what that "other reason" meant. He’d blush and try to think of something else, anything else.

Tony’s folks felt the same way about Louise. His mom would flutter about the house whenever Louise came over. There wasn’t a thing about Louise that his mother didn’t like. She would taut over Louise’s clothes, her hair, everything. As soon as Louise left for home, Tony’s mother would tell him to take good care of Louise, as she is so precious, etc, etc. Tony’s dad felt the same.

Unlike Tony’s mom, his dad was a bit cruder. He’d tell Tony that he had a good "eye" when it came to the ladies, and Tony had better behave himself, as they were too young to be so "attached". "Ugh! I’m not ‘attached’!" Tony would tell his dad. "We’re only good friends. We merely chose our classes together so that we could study together to make school easier."

That part was true, even if Tony wouldn’t admit to himself that he was smitten with Louise. It didn’t take the two long to discover which school courses appealed to the both of them and who was better equipped to handle a particular course’s homework outlines, graphs, problems and the like, to learn the material as easily as possible. Yet, they never cheated by copying each other’s work. Well, almost never.

Louise was pretty, witty, and Tony felt comfortable talking with her about almost anything when they were alone together. At age fifteen, she often teased Tony with simple, innocent questions about things, like some actress. Did Tony feel if she did her hair the same way, would she look as sexy? Tony would blush and stammer. He could tell she loved every second of his childish embarrassment that she caused him, noticing her very luscious figure developing.

Once, Tony absent-mindedly stared at Louise’s cleavage. Aware of his intense gaze, she casually asked him if he noticed that her new bra was another size larger. Did he like the way her bra made her "bosom" look? Did he feel that it was important for a girl to have a "perfect" figure?

She could really make him squirm. She seemed to know how to push all of the right "hot buttons"! She would matter-of- factly ignore that he was male and continue to talk as if he were another girl. Tony wondered if all girls did "stupid" things like that, or if she was taunting him, probing to see how girls’ clothes turned him on. Maybe, he felt, he was too "sensitive" about the subject.

"After all," she would say. "Men seem to like a girl’s figure so much, they should try out what it was like to need to primp and preen to look good. Men simply take a girl’s efforts for granted, thinking it comes naturally. They don’t have the slightest idea what it takes to look nice, that is, other men, Tony. Not you.

By my sharing what it takes with you, you will be a more understanding man, Tony. Knowing it takes an hour to shave my legs so they’ll be pretty, then, spend another hour setting my hair and doing my make-up, and another hour to do my nails, well, I feel I must let someone I care about know that what seems to be a natural beauty is really hard work for a girl, in order to look her very best."

Tony couldn’t figure out if she was searching for compliments, or was she really searching for the truth about his secret love for girl’s clothes and their fastidious efforts to bedeck their faces and bodies in stylish glamour. He didn’t know how to respond. He had just begun to explore this fetish at the time. His own attraction was only beginning and his attempts were far less than satisfactory, except for the sexual release the attempts often provided.

Tony wasn’t exactly a seasoned veteran when it came to controlling sex drives of any kind. He didn’t know if other boys were as interested with girl’s clothes as he was. He wasn’t about to talk to anyone about it, either. Guys never discussed the feeling they had about girl things. They only talked dirty about the things they’d like to do with girls. Tony’s male friends never discussed how they went about relieving sexual tension without feminine participation either. None would admit they weren’t successful with girls. If they were, they talked about sex as if it were a conquest they achieved because of their latent charms.

Tony certainly could not tell Louise that he personally knew exactly how much effort went into looking pretty, or how he enjoyed trying, regardless of how garish his attempts were. He wanted to, but didn’t know how. She would not understand his need to try to look pretty. Little did she know,,, or did she???

Louise was very laid back. She never responded to Tony’s attempts to woo her. She feigned being preoccupied with advancing her personal goals to be overly interested in romantic stuff. Tony felt that perhaps he wasn’t what she envisioned as the "ideal" man for her. Sometimes, he tried to dream about how he could become her "ideal man". Hmmm. That would be nice.

She oft put him off, exclaiming they had plenty of time for that sort of thing later. He tried to respect that, seeing as he also was reluctant to make a commitment so early in life. She confided to Tony that he appealed to her more than any other fellow, so long as he didn’t get any ideas about being fresh with her. When they kissed, Tony felt as if he went to Heaven, and his heartbeat would skyrocket. When they held hands, he could feel her tremble from his touch, until she would suddenly become aware of what she conveyed to him by the intimate contact, and quickly would move, change the subject, or do something to subdue their ardor.

Tony tried heavy petting a few times. The effect she had on him at those times raised more than his pulse. As if she knew what was happening, she would quickly, but politely whisper that she was really fond of him, that they must slow down as they were going too fast and end up feeling sorry for not respecting one another, unless they’d "cool it". Tony didn’t want to ruin the really great bond they had, so he always complied with her wishes.

At those times, Tony had a case of the "hots" for her, and would make up some excuse to rush home and delve into his meager cache of feminine garb to try to make himself look as much like her as he could. He became his own sex object; his perfect sexual release mechanism. It was silly, he knew, but it worked for him. He wasn’t sure he was merely venting his pent up urges, or if he was attracted to his feminine "self" more than he was to Louise’s casual femininity. He only knew his dressing was very very satisfying.

If she had any inkling regarding his favorite pastime, she didn’t let on. Their friendship continued pretty much the same until they both graduated from high school. Tony didn’t try to become any more physically involved with Louise, as the issue of college selection preoccupied both of them. That is, until Tony messed up things by leaving home abruptly. He sure dashed his college hopes to the ground, doing that. It was stupid, really stupid.

He soon found out that Louise was deeply angered about his leaving home. She let him know in no uncertain terms that she didn’t agree with his selfish attitude and sudden decision to leave, without discussing it with her. She expressed her regrets compassionately, but also told him that she held his parents in extremely high regard, and called Tony crude, and in need for lessons in parental respect.

Over and over, every time they met, she repeatedly said it wasn’t like him at all. She felt this "new" side of him had better not be an emerging pattern of behavior, because she didn’t think she could tolerate it. She disliked his attitude.

Tony was careful how he responded to her. He was losing close friends quickly. He didn’t want to lose his "best" friend, too. He could scarcely admit to her that he was also afraid that his parents had since found his cache of "girly" clothes and stack of crossdressing stories he pulled down from the Net, so that he was afraid to face them and explain that, too. Oh, Lord, what a mess. What would Louise think of him, a crossdressing fairy, hardly a fitting paramour for her? He just couldn’t admit having such a hobby to her. Instead he replied in a way he felt she would agree with.

"Okay, I admit that I screwed up, big time, and I would do anything to correct the error, if I could only somehow save face and not have to go back with my tail between my legs. In fact, I’d jump at the chance. After all, Louise, if I found a good job, and exerted some degree of independence, I could go back without massive reprisal. My folks would know I can make it on my own, and don’t have to follow their wishes.

I am eighteen. They’d probably concede to my year off to find myself and maybe support my education goals on my terms. If I admit failure now, they’ll force me to enter into a college program without my input, and add a lot of other conditions, as well. I’ll spin my wheels in a willy-nilly curriculum for a couple of years before I figure out what I want to pursue. It’ll be a waste of time and money."

Tony knew in his heart that Louise was only interested in his welfare. He was too afraid to admit he strained their relationship. " Louise, you talk to them. Tell them how you think I feel." She was reluctant, upset with his refusal to talk to them.

"You’ll soon regret your foolish, petty pride. You’d better make good on this job that I found for you. Good jobs are hard to find. I think it will enable you to save face, like you want to, Tony; but I still think you ought to tell them your plans, on your own. Don’t you think that would be smarter?"

Tony promised her he would, real soon. He agreed with all that she said, but wanted to get settled in at the new job, first.

 

Chapter Three: The new job.

The job was simple enough, required no previous experience and provided all the necessary training "on the job". Joan Donier, the staff coordinator explained that no heavy lifting would be required, and moving a patient from on a bed to a gurney or wheelchair would always involve at least one nurse as well as a male attendant like myself working under the direction of the nurse.

Ms. Donier was a big, strong woman. She was so statuesque; she could easily look down on Tony. He felt small beside her. He was small beside her. He wondered why they hired someone as small as he was to assist hefty women like her to lift patients.

"Oh, well." Thought Tony.

She cautioned Tony not to render any opinions to the nurses about medical matters, as his experience was nil, and they’d probably take offense. She felt that men often did it without thinking, because men feel women are the "weaker" sex.

If he did it, the nurses would take it as male chauvinism and he wouldn’t be making any new friends by behaving like that.

"Try to fit in with the girls yu work with, Tony, and I’m sure they’ll accept you. After all, they are in a higher position. Be courteous, considerate, and above all: treat them with the respect that they deserve. They’ve all spent a lot of time in college to become nurses. Don’t think you can get away with talking down to any of them. They’re very sensitive about that. They know their stuff. Many male patients try to intimidate them all the time. They don’t take any gruff from them, and they certainly won’t take any from you. They get more than enough male ego from some of the doctors around here.

On the other hand, if you try to look up to them for guidance, show them some willingness to follow their instructions with respect, I’m sure you can win many friends here. Most of the girls are good sports. If you meet them half-way, they’ll do the same."

She placed her hand on Tony’s shoulder. It reminded him of how Louise’s dad had a habit of doing that. Her touch was just like his. In fact, it was too much like his, as was her tone of voice. He liked her right away. She seemed to possess the voice of authority, and he appreciated her willingness to counsel him. He needed some reassurance that he’d do all right. She continued….

If more assistance were needed to move a heavy patient, the nurse would decide whether or not to get more help, not him. It was their job to assess and decide. A head nurse was in charge of all the night shift activities, which was usually low-keyed and only erupted into a flurry when a patient’s condition was deemed to be critical: life threatening or required an immediate doctor’s attention. Following the directions was to be immediate and precise, requiring a cool head and keen attention to the nurse’s directives. The nurses would contact the proper doctor and prepare the patient in accordance with the doctor’s directives.

Tony was never to imply, infer or suggest any condition or action to the nurses.

 

Within a week, he was confident he was capable of performing all the essential tasks that the job required. He quickly eased into the job and became familiar with the location of all the departments he would be called to assist the nurses. He didn’t want to get on the bad side of any nurse by not promptly where he was needed. They sensed to understand that he was new, and was trying hard to be as conscientious and helpful as possible. They seemed willing to help the new guy fit in with the mundane routine. He rapidly discovered how highly organized the routine was, with all participants totally coordinated.

An emergency was not the time to mess up, so he listened closely as each nurse gave him instructions. He tried to think clearly and respond properly without any hesitation, so the nurses would know they could depend on him.

Best of all, the frequency of call from nurses for assistance from male attendants like him was very infrequent. Not that they didn’t want male help, but the nurses didn’t use the feminine wile of being "helpless". They preferred to rely on male attendants only when necessary, so the attendants would be available to help those truly in need of physical assistance.

Tony thought about the nurses. It must be because they are professional women. They exhibited such self-sufficient aplomb. They seemed to pride themselves in the ability to perform their jobs without relying on the "stronger" sex. He admired the nurses and other women like them for their competent exercise of authority and independence. He wished they would invoke his assistance more often so he could learn faster and share their company more. He enjoyed working with them, especially under their direct supervision. They seemed so capable and accomplished. Due to his lack of experience, he felt more comfortable directed than being in a more responsible role, or work independently.

Yes, he thought, he truly liked this job. The nurses were very admirable in the way they confidently strode though the hospital tending to the needs of the patients. The more he worked with them, the more he envied and admired them. He could get "hooked" on working here, easily. It was nice clean "civilized" work,

As he studied the hospital’s departmental map, he considered how well designed the building was. Each department was strategically placed to augment ease in performing its function, and coordinating with related departments. It was highly organized, without any chaos. He envisioned himself directing his long-term career goal to each of the various departments shown on the chart in turn.

He would definitely include the field of medicine in his long-term endeavors and eventual education planning, to enable him to fit better into an atmosphere such as this in a more substantial role. Of course, he wouldn’t want to make another hasty, rash decision again; but, so far, this seemed to be just the kind of work experience he was thinking of when he decided not to enter college,

He could experience what the work places were like, first. It seemed to Tony that a short time working in an entry-level position could give him the confidence he needed to help dedicate him to seriously studying hard.

After a mere two weeks on the job, Tony decided to call home. His conscience was bothering him, and his promise to Louise kept popping into his head, when he least expected it. Besides, he wanted to let his mom know where he was and how he was doing, so she wouldn’t worry. In addition, he felt he had something positive to reveal to his parents, but wanted to give his thoughts more time to gel before committing to going to school. He wanted to be more definitive, prior to enrolling in college.

Tony was excited. He wanted to tell his mom that he already achieved what he had set out to do: to independently find an avenue to pursue in a vocation before they spent a lot of money for an improper education he wouldn’t find attractive, and fulfilling. He didn’t want them to waste their hard earned money. Typical of his youth, he quickly assumed he found a career channel he’d like to pursue.

He wanted to tell her that he’d like to try working in this job for a while, and if he later fount it to be a dead end, to think of how it was better to find out now, before she and his father spent a ton of money on tuition et al.

The phone rang and rang. No answer! He was deflated. He prepared himself so well for the call, to tell her the good news. Now, he was disappointed. Oh, well. He’d try later. Then, he mused out loud: "Wait a minute! It’s nine o’clock in the evening! They’re always home at this time of night. Where could they be?" Then he thought it wasn’t like his parents at all. He began to worry. They were always so predictable. He didn’t know that at that very minute, his mom and dad were at Louise’s house guiding her on how to assist Tony while not appearing to be involved in any way.

Ten O’clock. The phone rang and rang! No Answer? Where can they be??? Tony began to visualize all sorts of unlikely calamities that might have befallen them. A spine chilling fear crept into him. All at once, he realized what they must have experienced over the past month and a half. He never bothered to call them to let them know he was safe. Mostly, because of his fear of reprisal for not listening to them and pursuing college on their terms. He must have caused them the same panic that seized him at the moment. Where were they? How could they not be there when he wanted them to be? Yet, where was he when they needed to know about his safety and welfare? He felt terrible.

"Damn! I should have known how worried they would be. How could I be so selfish and egotistical? Didn’t I have a shred of decency, courtesy and respect?"

After the guilt sunk in, he wished he could talk to someone about it. But, who?

He never felt such anguish, and it scared him.

Then it occurred to him. His study of the hospital layout showed a full department devoted to stress management. "That’s it! I’ll go to see them and find out what they advise me to do." He check his pager in his pocket to see that it was on, in case there was a call for assistance, while he took the elevator up to the floor where the stress management department was located. He could leave the room provided for attendants, so long as he had his pager, while on duty. He had no intention of neglecting his responsibilities. He got off the elevator on the seventh floor and gathered his thoughts as he walked down the corridor. When he got to the alcove, the front desk was empty. He felt foolish.

"Of course, he thought. There’s no one here at night. This particular department works primarily on an outpatient basis. I’ll have to wait until morning, when they open up." Then he considered that he obviously needed to talk to someone about the way he felt, the sense of impending doom was overpowering. He wouldn’t have this feeling if he had listened to his parents in the first place. He looked at his shaking hands. It was his fault. He was messing things up right and left. At this rate, he’d mess up on the job and get fired. He’d better not forget to seek out some help in the morning.

This is a good point to indicate that Tony’s parents were okay. They were visiting with Louise, her parents, Joan Donier, and a Dr. Evers, who will enter the picture shortly…

After Tony had left home abruptly, his parents spoke to Louise about what had happened. She told them she loved Tony very much, and agreed to help in any way she could. She suggested that she maintain contact with Tony, and keep them posted as to how well he was faring on his own. To avoid his withdrawal from Louise, as well, she felt it would better not to tell Tony that she was keeping them well informed.

Louise told Tony’ mother that her parents were also aware of his hasty departure. They too were concerned and felt she should approach his parents with a plan to keep all of them abreast of his activities. Mom was very pleased that Louise felt she could include her parents, and expressed how she felt about the way her parents were so fond of Tony. His mom assured her that their encouragement was most welcome.

At the time Tony first attempted to call home, the evening’s dinner was the fifth such weekly meeting that was held to assist someone they all loved deeply, but didn’t appreciate their honest concern and devotion

A few weeks prior to that, before their second group meeting, Tony’s mom spoke to Louise, alone. She told Louise that she was trying to isolate what sparked his sudden rebellion, and went to Tony’s room to see if she could detect some cause for his unusual behavior.

She asked Louise if she knew of any peculiar interest that Tony might have in the realm of fetishes. Louise looked into her eyes and told her that she was in Tony’s room, studying one night, and when he went out to answer the telephone, she spotted the corner of a magazine protruding from under his pillow. She had picked it up to while away the time Tony was on the phone. I had men dressed in women’s lingerie and stories depicting some very wild fantasies.

She admitted knowing what a crossdresser was, but only said she could only guess what it involved. She did not reveal anything about her advanced studies with Dr. Evers to Tony’s mom. She tired to be casual, saying that the notion intrigued her, and it pleased Tony, she would accept his interest in the fetish and attempt to understand. Tony’s mom shed a tear, hugged Louise, and quietly said:

"You’re truly a wonderful girl, Louise. If you can accept Tony’s hang-ups and his recent odd behavior, and still love him; then, please help me to make him more deserving of your love."

If Tony had known what was going on behind the scenes, he’d have felt like a heel. While he reacted rashly because he couldn’t let his parents "direct" his future, he’d have found they weren’t trying to force him to do anything he didn’t want to do. They were simply showing their support by trying to make sincere recommendations for wise courses of action for him to consider. The persuasion was far from being domineering insistence. He overreacted.

Tony went off the deep end assuming that their persuasive arguments were the outright demands to immediately find a specific curriculum. They were, in fact, willing to agree to his waiting until he "got a handle" on a wise career choice. Had he given them the chance, they would have conceded, even if they didn’t agree with Tony.

 

Chapter Four. Selecting Alternatives.

Enter into Tony’s mind and share his anxiety and frustration with him.

 

Promptly at 9 AM the morning after my first attempt to call home, I returned to the seventh floor still wearing my hospital whites, still feeling a little silly about having come there the night before, when the department was closed. The reception counter and desk was vacant, but a small sign on the counter pointed to the door and read, "Knock for assistance." The sign on the door read:

DR. EMMET EVERS, MD, FACS, PhD & ASSOC., LTD.

STRESS MANAGEMENT CLINIC

ENTER

 

I knocked twice; then slowly tried the knob. It was open, so I gently pushed it open. A pleasant, mature woman was busily typing away at the desk inside the office. She smiled and said, "Good morning, doctor. My name is Emily, How can I help you today?"

I responded, "Oh, I’m not a doctor, I’m a night orderly. I just got off duty and wanted to be here early, so I didn’t change out of my "whites". I came here to talk about some stress that I have been under lately. It has me concerned. I’ve never felt this way. It’s as if something terrible is about to happen."

She smiled broadly, looked me over, and said, "Well, now you know how it will feel when you finish medical school and people begin to address you as ‘doctor’. Feels nice, doesn’t it?" I relaxed at her pleasant manner, but blushed at her reference to becoming a doctor someday. It was an intriguing notion.

Without waiting for my reply, she continued. "I’m glad you realized that medical school does create a lot of stress. You are fortunate to realize it so soon. Judging by your apparent age, you must be just starting. Most of the pre-med students working here at the hospital in the co-op program see us regularly. The education required to achieve an MD is very intense. It’s only logical to assume that you’ll need stress counseling. Everyone does. That’s why the hospital arranged to have an independent clinic set up right here on the premises for the staff and students to use without charge, and also not have any direct involvement with your position. You’ll be pleased to know that no communication to your superiors will occur regarding your counseling without your prior express consent.

Now then, what is your name and department??"…

"Well, my name is Anthony Court, and I’m a new night orderly. I’ve only started working a few weeks ago in Cardiology, I haven’t decided on which college to attend yet. I just graduated from high school in May. My problem isn’t with work or school. It’s about my patents, my future, a fetish, and…"

"Whoa! Slow down, Tony." She chuckled. "You certainly are would up, today. Let’s relax and get to know one another a bit before we tackle your stress. My full name is Emily Margaret Sims, but please call me ‘Emily’. Most of the boys call me ‘Auntie Em’ once they get to know me."

I was confused. "But, as the receptionist, I thought you’d want me to provide you with a little background, so you could direct me to the proper counselor."

She looked at me squarely and said: "I’m the analyst on duty today. Dr. Evers’ associates all take turns in this office. Our main clinic isn’t in this building. This facility is for hospital staff and students, only. Unfortunately, our budget doesn’t provide for a receptionist at this time!"

Damn it. I did it again! By assuming she was the receptionist, I succeeded in insulting her. Exactly the rash action I wanted to discuss. My miscalculated assumptions were becoming a habit--- just as Louise suggested.

My bright red complexion startled her. "Please sit down here for a second, Tony. I want to take your vital signs." She immediately took my blood pressure, pulse and temperature. When she finished, she seemed more relieved. Concerned that my flushed complexion was a sign of high blood pressure related to stress was dispelled by my normal vital signs. She sighed briefly…

"You had me concerned for a moment, Tony. People who come to see us are usually under quite a heavy strain. We can’t take a chance that they suffer from a cardiovascular overload. Does being here embarrass you? Your face is very red."

"Yes, Dr. Sims---" She interrupted. "Call me ‘Emily’, please."

"Okay, Emily. I was saying that I’m a new night orderly, but my stress isn’t job related. I really like my work. My problem relates to my leaving home in a huff. I’d like some help in reuniting with my folks. I’ve probably made them worried sick, and it has begun to make me feel terrible. I have to correct a misunderstanding about their insistence on going to college before selecting a career. My education will have to wait until I decide---" I went on for a good fifteen minutes, trying to fill Dr. Sims in on the details of my stupid behavior.

She was attentive and polite, but as I finished, she pointed out that my behavior was erratic. She called it "juvenile". That evoked another red, embarrassed face, the complexion she anticipated. It made me conscious of my immaturity and her superior stature. It enabled me to trust in her and recognize her ability to counsel me due to her credentials and status. I would have preferred discussing it with another male, but at this point I was not about to insult her further. After all, she was there to help.

She rose and spoke solemnly. "Tony, you were wise to come by and discuss your situation with us. It may be more complex than you think, and I’m concerned that it may reach far beyond your immediate curt exit from home and the inner panic you now feel over your actions. This type of behavior doesn’t happen all of a sudden. It may have started long ago and can spiral into a serious condition if not identified and treated in the early stages. It’s common for children, and I hate to say it, but I suppose you’ve been behaving in a similar manner for some time.

You may not have noticed it yourself, but I’d bet your parents did. Parents don’t make a big issue of it, hoping it would pass, as you grew older. We’re fortunate to have met while you are so young, and I think we will be very helpful for you.

With some conscious effort on your part, you’ll have little trouble modifying your behavior patterns. The propensity for favorable improvement is most promising. The important thing to consider at this time is to enter into a well-defined program to identify all of the causes and sources of the early development of these traits and then decide on the best approach to rectifying them by providing you with some effective suggestions on how to prevent them from occurring in the future.

From there, we can monitor your reactions, and enable you to feel assured we can help you to develop a resistance to the stresses related to your past behavior and the stresses you will certainly encounter if you pursue a doctorate in the field of medicine. There are many exercises to aid you in controlling such stress.

"Wow! Is it really that serious, Emily? I thought you could suggest some way for me to reunite with my folks without getting all worked-up and flustered. Is there something seriously wrong with me? I mean… mentally?"

"Oh, no, no, Tony! Don’t be alarmed. We clinicians have a bad habit of falling into our jargon, automatically. For a moment, I forgot that you’ve had no medical training, or even any college level psychology. Relax. This is merely a common condition all normal young people, like you, experience. It’s by not recognizing and treating it that it could develop into a more serious and chronic condition. We’ll avid that by properly handling your situation.

First, be relieved that nothing serious is wrong with you, and you are very upset over the foolish thing you did. You’re behaving as any normal young man would. What we’d like to do is make it easier for you to mature and improve your ability to deal with others faster than you could on your own by trial and error. Think of it as going to a charm school. It can be very handy for you to know if you decide to pursue a medical career.

Now, Tony. You don’t believe doctors can develop a "bedside manner" all on their own, automatically, do you? Most doctors have to be taught how to respond to traumatic circumstances in a decisive, objective manner without displaying any emotion. That isn’t so easy. Wouldn’t you like to be able to handle crises wit calm aplomb? Do you feel it would help you do your job better?

Second, outlining a program like this will take a bit more analysis. I’m going to ask you if I may consult with Dr. Evers before we start. It’s okay with you, isn’t it? You’d rather have the head of our facility lend his expertise, wouldn’t you? Don’t worry. It won’t delay our starting much. I’ll know by the end of the day."

"I guess so. You’re the doctor, Emily" was all I could think of to say. My mind was still reeling with the shock that something serious could be wrong with me, even though Dr. Sims tried her best to dispel my fear by saying it wasn’t serious.

Just then, Dr. Sims put her arm over my shoulder and softly encompassed me in her one-armed embrace. A warm shiver ran first up, and then down my spine. What was going on? She was the third person outside my family that affected me this weird but wonderful way. Her arm swept around me like a glove on a hand, a glove of contentment. I felt so good being held in her comforting embrace, and she immediately had recognized my reaction. She smiled and looked directly into my eyes, and said: " Wait until you find out how nice it feels after you learn to control your temper and act mature under our guidance, Tony. You’ll be amazed how marvelous it will feel, I promise.

Now, young man, what is your birthday?"

I responded that I’d be turning eighteen in a few weeks, and her smile suddenly became a frown. "Tony, we won’t be able to treat you until we get your parent’s consent; leastwise, not until your eighteenth birthday. Since you want to reunite with your parents as soon as possible, their consent may be the very reason you can use to initiate contact with them, right now. This will definitely require delicate tact on your part. Can I depend on you to handle this without an outbreak of temper? Take special care not to sound irate at any time."

"I promise to call home immediately and try to fill them in as to where I am and what I’m doing, without becoming upset. But, what if they are angry, or refuse to see me, or won’t sign a consent, or…."

"Whoa, slow down, Tony! You’re putting too many carts before the horse. I’ll bet your folks are just dying to hear from you and won’t be the teensiest bit angry. I’ll talk to Dr. Evers. He’ll advise me on how to bring up the subject of the consent forms. You shouldn’t even have to concern yourself with that, just yet. Once you’ve made contact with your parents, we’ll discuss how to bring up asking them to approve our counseling. Yu may not even have to do that. Let’s worry about one step at a time. Okay?"

I was beginning to hope Dr. Sims would be able to help, and this age thing pops up and put the "kibosh" on it.

As Dr. Sims was escorting me to the door, I turned quickly and said: "I really have to let you know something, right now, Dr. Sims. Part of my stress is based on my fear of my mother finding some very adult magazines and feminine stuff in my room that belong to me."

"Oh, I see." She replied. "I felt there was a deeper root to your stress, Tony." She smiled. "Now it will be simpler to diagnose your condition, with that bit of data. See Toy, I was more concerned that you would try to conceal the root of your anxiety. Many people do. Auntie Em knows what to tell Dr. Evers, now. We’ll get a hold of your parents for you in an informal way, to explain how the clinic needs to secure the required parental permission.

We’ll indicate stress management is a part of the career counseling service included in your employment benefits. I’m sure they’ll be pleased you have a job that provides such benefits and gladly provide their consent. Aren’t you?

I nodded affirmatively, and thought how this could be a good way to break the ice with the folks, and show them I’m making positive progress toward attaining an independent career identification. Little did I know.

 

Chapter Five. The plot thickens.

We’ll leave sharing Tony’s thought for a while. Give him a rest.

As soon as he left Dr. Sim’s office, and went to the Lounge to call Louise, Dr. Sims was on her phone with Dr. Evers. Of course, Tony wasn’t aware of this, but a well-designed plan was taking shape.

"Hello? Yes, Dr. Evers, please. This is Dr. Sims calling." Pause…"Yes, Dr. Evers, this is Emily Sims. I’m calling about your friend’s son… yes, Anthony Court. He was here at my office up until a minute ago, checked in on his own accord. He wants to be treated for what he called "severe stress" that stems from his recent separation from his parents. Yes, I agree. It was a fortunate coincidence. It fits ideally into the program. You won’t have to arrange the referral though Louise after all. I’ll dictate today’s session and forward the tape to you for review. Then, I’ll await your instructions. By the way, how are his parents holding up?" Pause…

"I know the shock of Tony’s transvestism is still wearing off. They’ll soon be able to accept it. It was only a matter of time before it blossomed. They know very well what our special program is all about. They also know it is nearly impossible to suppress transvestism, once you’re hooked… Yes, I agree… We can now use his fear of discovery to direct him to ‘Program T’, the behavior modification we had suggested for him at the last meeting with Louise and her parents… Well, his parents are… well, since they aren’t totally aware of Louise’s special anatomy as of yet, we’ll have to schedule advising them later.

Tony’s parents’ participation in the early development of "Program T" years ago assures us that they’re open-minded and know of its powerful potential of using sexual reward for influencing goal matching. They wouldn’t have contacted us if they were adverse to its use. Their recent discovery of Tony’s fetish and their previous experience with "Program T" will prompt the to let us to advise Tony so that we can steer him toward a career within their chosen field of study, namely medicine. His coming to me of his own accord was opportune. We can use his fetish to advance and reinforce his decision-making. I’m sure they’ll accept and encourage the changes they’ll soon see in Tony’s appearance.

To start, we can include patterns that coincide with both: his parents’ wish for him to study medicine, and conditioning Tony to be a perfect spouse for Louise.

We waited years for them to mature. Finally! We can advance his training with his parents’ cooperation. When the time is right, we can advise them of Louise’s special needs. Louise insists that his parents love her very much and want her as their daughter-in-law. If she’s accurate in her assessments, they’ll concede to our plans for Tony’s changes and support his development.

His fear of exposure of his fetish to his parents will be overcome by an immediate establishment of our department’s services here as a solution to all of his stress problems. That can make his entry into the program easy to initiate. By chemical

Influence and guided encouragement from his parents, his fears will dissolve and he’ll be able to advance rapidly, professionally and a new person.

Next issue. Who do you recommend as a confidence reinforcement partner for him? --- Donna? ----Yes, I agree. She’s ideal. Will you discuss the assignment with her, or should I? Seeing as I’m here at the hospital, I can probably catch her at lunchtime, after I prepare the transcript of the initial probe session with Tony. Okay, I’ll handle her instructions.

Donna’s lost her initial arrogance and is becoming very cooperative. She’s now eager and was inquiring if she could advance to a "mentor" role. Yes, she’ll follow our directions faithfully. She’s quite different from what she was when she first came to us. She doesn’t want to regress. Perhaps, from being one of our most difficult assignments, she may become a landmark case study. She certainly isn’t a deviant pedophile anymore. It’s a wonder what we have achieved in so short a time under your direction, Dr. Evers.

You’re so good at handling the tough cases! I’m so glad I agreed to join you on this fascinating project so many years ago. You’ve performed miracles with our patients, especially Donna. No one in the field could have achieved what you have. I can’t wait to begin the treatment on our Mr. Court.

 

Chapter Six. The Mentor.

Let’s go back into Tony’s mind.

Well, I was glad I was able to find someone professional to discuss my problem regarding my parents. Dr. Sims sounded like a truly sincere person. Seemed to have some good ideas right off the bat on how to mend the fences with my folks.

She sure didn’t waste any time. Glad she wasn’t busy and was able to get back to me so soon to tell me to advise my supervisor that I would need time off for some scheduled appointments with her. I hope the hospital won’t charge me too much for the stress counseling. ---

"Hi, my name is Tony Court. I’d like to talk to Ms. Donier, please. I work for her."

"Hi, Tony. My name’s Donna Paige. I’m filing in for Joan’s secretary, today. Are you the new night attendant that’s doing so well in cardio ICU? Ms. Donier is in a meeting at the moment, but she mentioned that you would be stopping by to chat with her about some time off. She asked me to explain how the hospital provides the sessions you’ll be attending as a fringe benefit. I can fill you in on all that in a few minutes, but if I can’t answer all of your questions, she should be available in about an hour. Was there anything specific that you wanted to discuss with her personally?"

 

‘No, not really. Hi, Donna. I’m pleased to meet you." She was pretty. I hadn’t seen her before, but that wasn’t unusual, because there are so many people working in the hospital that I haven’t met yet.

"I, ugh, well, ugh, I suppose you know that I went up to the seventh floor this morning and spoke with a Dr. Emily Sims. She is setting up a schedule of sessions for me to help me learn about stress management. I was hoping to confirm that these sessions wouldn’t cost me an arm and a leg, because, at the moment, I’ a bit short of funds. I’m not sure I can afford it unless a good part of the cost is covered by insurance."

"All of the services provided by Dr. Evers and his staff are covered fully by the hospital, Tony. The hospital wants everyone on staff to have the best stress management training, without cost. It makes good business sense. After all, a happy staff is a productive staff." Donna replied as if she had made the schpiel a thousand times before.

"I attend them myself. I’ve used Dr. Evers’ services ever since I started here. In fact, I was referred here in order to take advantage of their counseling, and I don’t know where I’d be if it weren’t for them.

Dr. Evers has helped so many staff members with their stress problems, that he’s called ‘Uncle Em’ and his associate, Dr. Sims is called ‘Auntie Em’ by just about everyone. You know, Auntie Em from ‘The Wizard of Oz’.

The two of them are so much alike, you’d swear they were twins" Donna’s pearly teeth and deep blue eyes sparkled as she spoke of them. I responded: "I haven’t met Dr. Evers yet. Is he as nice as Dr. Sims?"

"Oh, yes! He’s a real sweetheart, the nicest person to talk with that you’ll ever meet. He makes you want to him to help you. That’s why the hospital agreed to have him set up a clinic here, pays his fees and doesn’t even charge him rent for the offices he uses. He’s that good. Wait until you meet him, you’ll see.

Dr. Sims will send your schedule for sessions to Ms. Donier as soon as its ready and she’ll let you know when it arrives.

Have I answered all of your questions, Tony?"

I was having trouble keeping my mind on the schedule. Donna’s smile, her eyes, and her outstanding figure were too much of a distraction. I think she noticed my lack of attention. I couldn’t think of a thing to say.

"Tony, if you’d like to talk about Dr. Evers some more, I get off work at 5:00 PM…

When does your next work shift start?"

What was that? I didn’t quite catch what she just said. "I’m so sorry, Donna. My mind was elsewhere for a second. What did you say just now?" I know I looked foolish, but had to say something. I caught that she was asking me something.

She smiled coquettishly, and said: "Oh, nothing. I was merely wondering out loud, that’s all. I could go on for hours about Dr. Evers and Dr. Sims…. Say, I’m getting off duty in a few minutes. I could use a cup of coffee. Care to join me?"

"Sure, as long as we don’t bump into my girlfriend, Louise. I don’t want her to get the wrong idea about my spending my free time wit the prettiest girl around."

"Oh, sure. I bet you say that to everyone wearing nylons and these hospital issue blue, three-piece suits."

"Oh, I kind of like that outfit. At least you don’t have to go around wearing these starched, cotton whites like I do while on duty. I really don’t mind the free whites, and I wear them all the time, even while off duty, until I could afford to get some other clothes and get a place to keep them. There isn’t much storage space in the attendants’ room." What I wanted to do was compliment Donna’s good looks. I should have stopped talking. Darn it. I did it again. I made the compliment, and then turned it into something else by relating it to myself. What was wrong with me? I hoped I didn’t offend her. She was very nice to invite me to join her on her break.

 

She responded warmly to my comments and came around the desk to offer me her elbow, in a move that could only be understood as: "Take me, Take me anywhere, now!" I touched her arm and she paused. She sensed something untoward, so I backed off, afraid of being too bold. She smiled again and offered her arm again. I touched her right arm again, just above the elbow. She seemed to want to melt into my arms, but stopped. Wow! She was coming on to me! I felt an immediate response that was not gentlemanly and it was about to become obvious if I wasn’t careful. I only knew, at that moment, I wanted to get to know her better. She was beautiful, charming and was carefully offering temptations that Louise always denied me. I felt breathless just by touching her arm.

Suddenly, I also felt very guilty. I sensed that I was doing something very, very wrong here. It wasn’t her, necessarily. No, it was as if I wasn’t supposed to touch anyone like that. I sensed that I only remember it being proper for others to do it to me, and I remembered enjoying the sensation as recently as a few weeks ago when Ms. Donier did it. Leastwise, I thought that I preferred when others did it to me. I never did it to anyone with this same effect before, not even to Louise.

Louise shunned physical contact with her for so long, I guess I was conditioned to not want to do it to others, but enjoyed when others did it to me. I didn’t quite understand why it might be wrong for me to touch anyone like that, or why it was okay for others to touch me that way. I made a mental note to ask Dr. Sims about it. I got confused and pulled my hand away again. "Oops, I’m sorry."

Donna looked over her left shoulder into my eyes and said: "I’m not."

 

To be continued.

 

 

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