Part 5
ON THE ROAD AGAIN
The sun glared on the snowy mountains as we drove toward Westview, making me glad that Sarah and I each had on wraparound shades. Twenty-four hours ago, we were afraid that we would have to call off our trip because a February blizzard had dumped a foot of snow across the mountains. But the road crews had done a great job, and it was safe to make the trip. I was traveling as Mark. It isn’t against the law to cross dress in our state, but the police might still be a hassle if I were discovered. Karrin had invited us to stop at her family’s home so I could transform myself into Annie for our second visit to the women’s athletic dorm. I had on my Annie undies and bra, but they were well hidden under the bulk of an extra large flannel shirt, coveralls, and my new parka. Sarah wore one of my flannel shirts (which fit as bulkily on her as my extra large one did on me), jeans, woolen socks, parka, and boots. Not high fashion, but good for the weather conditions in the mountains.
We had bypassed the city where we had spent the last summer, and could barely see the university hospital towers. Even that glimpse got us remembering our weeks at Hope Haven and wondering about some of the kids we had come close to there. "It was sure tough sticking to our vow of celibacy there, wasn’t it?" I quipped.
Sarah lowered her glasses over her freckled nose and looked over at me with her gorgeous eyes. "It would be even tougher now, since I’ve discovered that Annie turns me on." Looking at her smile made me want to re-evaluate our commitment to wait until marriage before we went all the way.
I smiled back. "I might begin to get jealous of Annie, if she gets you hornier than I do."
"Don’t, dear," she told me. "It’s you I will love forever, no matter what the packaging." ‘
"Speaking of packaging, I really love your hair," I commented. Last night, the stylist had trimmed and shaped her sides and back, and tousled the top. Now the post-chemo bushy hair was a sexy short pixie style. She looked back at me with her pixie eyes and smiled. This was to be her first appearance wigless, giving her time to get used to it before she went back to school with the new style. Her wig, the one that Mrs. Cameron had brought me for my date with Roger, was in a wig box in the tailgate. This weekend, it would be Annie’s wig again. I smiled.
"What are you grinning about, Mark," she asked, with a flirty smile on her own face.
"You," I said. "Your hair, your attitude, your strength coming back, your color, everything about you is so great now. If I were seeing you for the first time, I would have had no idea how sick you were just a few months ago. You’re a whole new person."
She grimaced a bit. "Maybe not whole. I’m always aware that there’s nothing of me below my right hip. When I walk, it’s so painful and awkward. You’ve always made me feel beautiful, but when I clump along, it’s hard to feel that way anymore."
I shook my finger at her. "You want my self-pity lecture number 16? Yeah, you limp. But you walk. And you’re doing a lot better than when we left the hospital, and even better than you did a couple of months ago. You’re just going to have to accept the unpleasant fact that I still think you are the most beautiful girl I know."
"Thanks, Mark. You’re the sweetest guy in the world. Do you know what I wish that I could do right now, though?"
"Make wild, passionate love?" I asked, leering.
"Maybe later," she grinned. Then she looked serious. "Actually what I wish I could do right now is to help you drive. I had only gotten my license six months before I got sick, and didn’t even have my own car yet. Now I don’t even have a license." The state had taken away her unrestricted license because of her disability, because the officials thought it would be dangerous for her to operate the accelerator and brake with her left leg. My jeep had a manual transmission. Her dad was going to rebuild the control mechanisms on a car so that she would either have a left-sided accelerator or hand controls, but that wouldn’t happen right away because there were too many other bills to pay first. She agreed that I would have to be her chauffeur for at least the first year of college, but hadn’t really accepted it.
All I could do was commiserate. "Yeah. I wish you could, too. That sucks."
"Mark?" she asked, as we pulled off the highway to find a diner for lunch, "Were you kind of surprised that our parents let us come, unchaperoned?" I nodded. "Julie and Karrin told our folks that they could trust them to chaperone us, but we are going to be in that guest room all by ourselves, aren’t we?" I nodded and smiled. Maybe I should find time to stop at a drug store.
We found a diner and went inside. We had been in the jeep nearly three hours, and needed to stretch. The bleached-blond waitress, with the name Bonnie on her badge, led us to a booth. She looked sympathetic at Sarah and her cane and asked "Knee surgery, hon?" This was ski country, and that was a commonplace reality.
"Surgery? No thanks. I already had some," Sarah joked. "We’re just here for lunch." The waitress was friendly with us, and we enjoyed our lunch.
"Stay off the slopes until you’re healed now, hon," Bonnie called out as we left. We smiled and waved.
"This is as healed as it gets," Sarah muttered. But as we drove through the slushy parking lot back to the highway, we talked about how we had enjoyed Bonnie’s friendliness. Of course, we kept calling each other "hon" all the way to Westview.
Karrin greeted us with a big smile and open arms, which were somewhat awesome. Her wingspan is probably greater than that of a California condor. Her folks were both teaching that afternoon, so it would be easy for me to change into Annie. Well, sort of easy. Karrin insisted on watching. That would have been totally embarrassing, but Karrin was someone we felt really relaxed around, so it was just partially embarrassing. I slipped out of my travel clothes and put on Guess jeans and the Tigger longsleeve tee that Julie had given me. Hoop earrings of graduating size went up my ears. As I did my eye makeup, I noticed Karrin’s reflection in the mirror, watching me with a slight smile on her face. On came the long, wavy ginger wig, and I was Annie again.
"Not quite yet," Karrin said. "From what I understand, Annie always has polished nails."
"Usually she does," I admitted. "I forgot to bring my nail polish along this time."
"Use some of mine," she offered. Several bottles were lined up on her dresser. Most were shades that would look better on Karrin’s black skin. Karrin offered me a bright purple and a glittery silver with a blue tint. I chose a bottle of glittery silver and went to work.
Now that I was Annie again, we gave Karrin a lift to the dorm. As we carried our luggage through the door, Karrin called Julie on the house phone, and soon the Holding girls were hugging in the lobby.
Two other Westview women’s basketball players came through the door. They stopped to say hi to Karrin and Julie. One of them turned to us. "Hi. I’m Hannah Westin. Aren’t you Julie’s sister?" she asked Sarah. Sarah nodded and smiled. "You two visited us last fall, didn’t you? And you’re—forgive me…."
"Annie Jansen. I’m a close friend of the family’s, and her" I pointed at Sarah "fiance’s sister." We exchanged pleasantries, and she hoped that we would come to Westview. I started to pick up my duffel and Sarah’s bag and started to carry them toward the guest room.
"Wait a minute, dear," Karrin told me. "Sarah’s bag goes to our room. So does Sarah, for that matter." My face fell.
"But I thought Sarah and I were rooming together," I protested. By this point, the four of us were alone in the lobby.
Julie reached out and patted my shoulder. "In order to get mom’s permission for you to come together, we had to agree to keep you out of trouble. And we plan to do it." She turned to Sarah, "Come along, little sis."
Sarah said, "Wait a minute! You and mom trusted us to live together for six weeks last summer. Why can’t you trust us now?"
Julie said, "You’re healthy now. And we saw the way that you and Annie kissed last weekend. And you promised then. And you’re engaged now. Come on, it’ll be fun spending some quality time together, sis."
A frustrated Sarah asked, "What about Annie? Does she have to stay alone?"
Karrin smiled and said "No, I’ll stay with Annie." I was speechless. Karrin just said, "Come along, roomie," as Julie led Sarah down the hall. This wasn’t the way I had planned to spend the evening, but it was obvious that we didn’t have much choice. Karrin had already moved some of her things into the guest room, and pointed out the bed and dresser that would be mine. "Come on, Annie, cheer up," she smiled.
"Do your parents know that you’re spending the night with a boy?" I challenged.
"Do you want to tell them that you’re a boy?" she laughed. "Besides, I can take care of myself." That she could. She could probably intimidate Xena the warrior princess. Karrin gave me time to settle in, and then we met Julie and Sarah Beth to go to supper in the college union. After supper, they presented us with Westview basketball jerseys, one with Julie’s number and "Holding" printed across the back, the other with Karrin’s number and name, so we could wear them to the game. I wore Karrin’s. So did her folks. We sat next to Karrin’s folks as we watched the game. Neither Julie or Karrin started, but like the other game we saw, they both got nearly half a game of playing time. Julie didn’t score much, but was outstanding on defense and ball handling, feeding the ball to her roommate. After I jumped up to yell approval when Karrin swished a basket, Sarah grinned at me. "You should become a cheerleader. With your great legs, you’d look cute in a fluted skirt and sweater." I just smiled and primped. We all cheered like crazy, and were hoarse by the time Westview defeated Mesa College and clinched second place in their conference.
When we returned to Julie’s room, the four of us sat around in our nighties and laughed and told stories, like a big sleepover. I wish we could have just stayed there, but eventually Karrin yawned, stretched, and led me back to the guest room. I was ready to crawl into bed when I noticed her looking at me questioningly. "What?" I asked.
"I was just curious," she said languidly. "If I’m your groomsman, do I have to help arrange your bachelor party?"
I laughed. "I doubt that anyone will give me a bachelor’s party, I’m probably too young to even have a bachelor party, but if there is one, sure, you’re invited." I paused. "But I don’t think any of my friends can afford a cake big enough to hide you." She looked completely confused. I tried to explain, and her confusion turned to exasperation.
"No cake," she told me firmly. "Now let’s go to sleep." So we did. I’m not sure how well Karrin slept, since she was six inches longer than the guest room bed. But when morning came, we were both refreshed. I put on yesterday’s jeans and a flowered yellow blouse. The four of us gathered for a brunch before Sarah Beth and I climbed into the jeep. I was a little nervous driving through the mountains as Annie. It wasn’t just the police that worried me, but what if the car broke down or slid off the road, and I needed to provide identification? I stayed as Annie anyway, since we wanted to visit Roberta and I didn’t want to spend half the day swapping wardrobes. The roads were a little slushy, but not dangerous. We talked about he wedding as we rode. We wanted to ask Roberta to be flower girl. We weren’t sure how to deal with my double identity. They had never met Mark. We didn’t want to confuse Roberta, but should we tell Vickie, her mom? We decided to play it by ear.
I had printed out a map from an online service, and we didn’t have any trouble finding the apartment where Roberta and her mother Vicki lived. The two lived in a first floor apartment, so it was easy for us to find it. "Annie! Sarah!" Roberta called out when she saw us at the door. She hugged each of us so tight that I was afraid Sarah might topple over. We noticed the bicycle that we had restored sitting in a corner of the living room. It was too sloppy out to give her any serious lessons, but we walked the bike outdoors, I helped Roberta onto the seat, and walked the bike down the sidewalk, with her squealing with delight as we went.
Later, we were inside, eating cookies and drinking milk. We explained that Mark was my brother, and that he and Sarah would be getting married in August. "Would you be our flower girl?" Sarah asked Roberta.
"What’s a flower girl?" she asked. We tried to explain.
"Will you be there, Annie?" Roberta asked. I explained that no, Annie wouldn’t be able to come to her brother’s wedding because she had to be out of town. Roberta frowned deeply. "Well, I’m not sure I want to go if you won’t be there, Annie, because you’re my bestest friend."
"Oh, please," I pleaded. "Please do it for Sarah Beth and Mark. Mark’s a lot like me, and I think you’ll like him." Finally, she agreed. After awhile, Roberta went to take a nap. We sat down with Vickie and explained our whole story.
"What?" she shouted. Then more quietly, "You’re Mark? I can’t believe it! All this time you had us thinking you were a girl?" I didn’t know if she was going to be angry or what, and I’m not sure she did either, but eventually she just started laughing. We talked some more and eventually left as friends.
We drove to the Presbyterian Church and walked into Barbara McGrail’s office. We had called before we left and had arranged to meet her there. She stood and said. "Sarah Beth, Annie, welcome. I guess I had assumed Mark would be coming, but you’re always welcome here anyway, Annie."
I explained that I had been Annie to visit Roberta, and wanted to use the church bathroom to change back to Mark before we left. "I could change now," I offered, "if you’ll be more comfortable."
"No, that’s okay, I’m more used to you as Annie anyhow," the minister said. "Now what is it you wanted to talk about?" We asked if she could come to Fort Russell and help marry us. "I would love to," she explained, "but your local minister would have to invite me. My code of ethics would preclude me from taking part, otherwise." We were sure that our minister would agree to Rev. McGrail helping, so we got her tentative approval. Sarah stayed and chatted, while I went to change back into Mark clothes. I came back in boy’s jeans and flannel shirt, and asked Rev. McGrail, "Uh, I hate to ask, but do you have any nail polish remover?" I was all guy now except for my glittery nails.
She shook her head. "I’m afraid not, Mark." I recalled that I had never seen her with polished nails.
"Thanks anyway," I said. "We can stop at a drug store." We hugged and left. We were going to be pushing our limit to get back home by the time we had promised, and it was starting to get dark, so we skipped the drug store stop. Near the entrance to the freeway, though, red flashing lights flickered off my rear view mirror.
"Were you speeding, Mark?" Sarah asked nervously as I pulled over.
"No, not at all," I responded. "I have no idea why he stopped me." The officer walked up to my window. The city policeman asked for my license and explained that a brake light on the jeep had burned out. As I passed the license out to the officer, I couldn’t help but notice my nails glittering in the red light. The officer must have noticed to.
"Are you sure this is your license, uh….sir?" he asked with cold politeness. I told him it was.
Sarah Beth spoke up. "Don’t let the nail polish bother you, sir. This is my fiance, and he just lost a silly little bet."
"Whatever," the officer mumbled. I was surprised to receive a ticket rather than a warning. I guess that the police have the option of giving a warning or ticket, but usually it’s just a warning. Did my nails bother him? Or was it just because I was a teenager, and we’re easy targets? The rest of the trip was uneventful, and Sarah slept most of the way. As I drove, I stewed about what had happened. I could see why my dads were nervous about me being Annie, and this was just a small thing. As cars passed, sometimes I would see my nails glisten in reflection as I gripped the steering wheel.
BEST AND WORST DAY
Neither Sarah nor I ever knew Randy Rollins very well. Nobody else did, either. So maybe it shouldn’t have been surprising that this ordinary face in the crowd at Fort Russell High would kill himself one March morning when the signs of Spring were making the rest of us feel hopeful. We can’t be sure it was suicide. Maybe it wasn’t. But he drove his old rusty gray Chevette off a mountain curve fast enough and in enough of a straight line that it seemed he wasn’t trying to brake or steer. Just go—go over the edge and down into the rocks of the canyon hundreds of feet below. Randy had been depressed, some kids said. And the last entry in his journal, open on the dresser, was a note that his mom found—"Don’t blame yourself. It’s not your fault." Was it a suicide note intended to comfort his mom, or just a note to himself? I guess we’ll never know.
In spite of the counselors they dragged in, almost everybody at school seemed depressed and guilty. Some cracked jokes, but there was a nervous edge to their laughs, and no one laughed with them. I asked my good friend Rick "What do you think about Randy?"
"At least the poor kid’s getting some attention now," Rick responded. "Not that he’s around to enjoy it. I woke up from a dream last night, dreaming that I was in that old bomb of a car, sailing through the air. I woke up all sweaty and yelping."
"So why do you think he did it, if he did it?" I asked.
"Lonely. Hopeless. Frightened," Rick slowly said.
"Frightened? Why?" I was puzzled.
"Because he had feelings—gay feelings—and they frightened him. He knew if he expressed those feelings that he would go from being ignored to being despised." Rick’s jaw tightened as he talked.
"Gay—you weren’t—you weren’t—" I started to say. As far as I knew, only Sarah and I knew Rick’s sexual preference.
"No!" Rick almost shouted. Then he calmed down. "I wasn’t attracted to him, and he hardly knew me. He did try to come on to one guy, a school dropout, and got punched out. Maybe he was afraid that guy would tell everybody, I don’t know. Anyway, it’s very lonely in a town like this not to be able to live like you were meant to live. There are a few other gay and lesbian students here, and we kind of watch out for each other, but that doesn’t help the loners like Randy." I knew from previous talk that Rick planned to stay closeted, at least until he could leave town. He wasn’t sure yet whether he would go to the state university with us, or would move to a larger city. We were both alone in our thoughts. Then he looked at me and asked, "Mark, if I was outed, before your wedding, I mean, would you still be my friend, out in public, I mean? Would you still want me in your wedding?"
"Absolutely, bud," I said, looking straight in his eyes. "And if I were outed, if I were out as Annie and people recognized me, and I got beat up, or just blabbed about, would you be there for me?"
"Absolutely, bud," he said. Then he smiled. "There’s one dress you have that’s pretty tacky, though—that pink one from Julie’s aunt." (I knew the frilly little-girlish one he meant.) "I would be a bit embarrassed at your fashion sense if you wore that one in public, whether you were outed or not."
"That’s okay, so would I."
Sarah Beth’s spirits had improved greatly over the past month. She was bubbly, witty, and funny again. I hadn’t spent any major time as Annie since our trip, but every know and then Sarah would look at me appraisingly. She might comb my hair over a bit and slip a couple of barrettes in, or find an old shell of Julie’s that she’d have me try on to see how the color looked on me. Now, with Randy’s death, she was quiet and sad looking. I asked if she wanted to talk about it, like I had with Rick, and she would just shake her head a tiny bit, and give me a half-hearted smile, then look the other way.
About two weeks after the death, Sarah asked me "Are you doing anything Saturday afternoon?"
"I’m scheduled to work at the bike shop, but I could trade off."
"Do it. I want to go somewhere with you," she announced.
"Uh…Me or Annie?"
"You. Mark. My fiance. Dress grubby. Eat a big lunch. I’ll pack some nibbles." She didn’t sound happy, but she did sound determined. That was better than depressed. I agreed and made the tradeoff.
Around 3 that Saturday afternoon, I swung by to pick her up. She lifted herself up onto the seat and used her hands to pull her right leg into the car. The inside of her shoe scraped across the door frame. "I’ll have to lift higher," she murmured, "or trash all my shoes." Then she turned, smiled the smile that lights up the world, and said "Great day, huh?" I agreed.
"Where to, milady? Your wish is my command." I nodded my head.
"Canyon road, please, Sir Mark," she smiled. Her eyes weren’t smiling. They looked determined. She had an agenda, and this wasn’t going to be just a fun cruise on a beautiful early spring day. As we left town heading west, I wondered for a moment if she wanted to see where Randy had ended his life. She wasn’t much into morbid curiosity, so I buried the thought. The brown foothills were showing splotches of green and bright colors following yesterday’s rain. The sun glistened off of the ore streaks in some of the rocks and rock walls along the way. The road climbed away from the lower canyon up to our lookout—our lookout. We hadn’t been there, or been past there, since the other bright spring day, almost a year ago, when we biked up. Sarah hadn’t biked back. I felt too awkward to say anything about it.
"Pull in at the overlook, please," she said. We had loved this place before the accident. Looking east, the foothills rolled down toward the plains. Fort Russell was spread around the river. Looking west, the Rocky Mountains rose above us. It was such a great spot just to sit and watch the cloud shadows glide across the terrain. There were one or two other cars in the lot. Sarah asked that I park near the outcropping where we had sat last Spring. What memories, what demons, were this fragile but incredibly strong young woman planning to meet here?
Sarah walked past the picnic table where I thought she would have stopped to the outcropping, right to the part where we had sat a year ago. The ledge was a little over three feet high. "Mark, I’m afraid you’ll have to help me up this time," she said, with a sad little smile. Leaning on me for balance, she raised her left foot into a crevice, and was able to lift herself up. I helped her balance, turn, and sit, handed her cane up to her, and then I scooted up beside her.
"Memories, huh?" I asked, to show her I was open to listen if she wanted to talk.
"Yeah. All kinds." A pause. "Let’s just sit here for awhile, okay?" So we did, for quite awhile. According to the school counselor, we’re both introverts, and we can be comfortable with just being together in silence. I laid my hand on hers. The other cars left. I leaned over and kissed her cheek. She squeezed my hand and smiled. She looked out over the valley again. A tear trickled down the side of her nose. Then another. Then more. Then she leaned over and started sobbing deeply. I put my arm around her shoulder. She gasped and breathed deeply, regaining composure. Finally she smiled, and I didn’t know what to say.
"It was terrible, wasn’t it?" I finally said.
She smiled again, a wry, sad little smile. "Yeah. It was the worst day of my life up to that point. Then came all those days of pain and fear. Even when my family was around me I was like, so totally alone. I was just a frightened little girl when they took me into surgery to save my leg. That’s okay, I thought. I can do this. There’ll be a scar, I might limp a little, but I’ll still be whole. Then the fever came, and I was so miserable, so out of it. I could feel my leg trying to kill me. It was the center of pain and fever, it was sending poison into the rest of me. I was still in a haze of drugs and fever, but I can see the sad, guilty look on the doctor’s face when he tried to explain to me that they would have to operate again, to take my leg." She paused, gulped, and went on. I just held tight for the ride. "I didn’t think about it much. I wasn’t thinking at all. I just wanted the pain to be gone, so I told him okay, go for it. The next couple of days I was so out of it. I was vaguely aware that when I shifted weight my body didn’t turn like it used to. I knew the sheet draped over me funny. I’d look down and say, ‘Oh. That’s where my leg used to be.’ And I’d go back asleep. Then I was just coming out of it and I saw your face, with those beautiful blue eyes looking down at me, that silly smile on your face. My first thought was ‘will he still want me like this?’ and my second was, ‘I never want to be apart from him again. Later, when I was back in my right mind again and they were talking about me going to Hope Haven, I knew deep in my heart that somehow you would be there with me." She chuckled. "Then I got the idea for Annie, and you were enough of a lovesick dope to go through with it."
"I’d do it again in a minute," I said. "That’s what kind of lovesick dope I still am."
"That was the worst day of my life up to that point," she said softly. I nodded. "But in another way it was the best day of my life."
"How do you figure?" I asked. "You mean what happened before your accident, the fun of being together, the beauty?"
"All that, but think. If I hadn’t jumped off of this ledge and my femur hadn’t snapped," she was sounding like a premed student already, "they might not have discovered the cancer until it had spread. I would have been like Wendy, like Roger, like a lot of other kids, just a memory. And it’s all so beautiful."
"What is?"
"Life! Okay, there’s nothing of me below my right hip. Just dead weight, plastic, and hinges. But I’m alive. I can walk, sort of, anyway, I can feel the breeze on my face, see the desert flowers," her voice shifted to a whisper. "Look to your left, but don’t move." My eyes shifted. On a slight rise on the ledge, a tiny tan lizard looked up at me with bright black dots for eyes, its tongue slithering in and out. We watched it in silence for a few seconds before it darted away. "See what I mean? It was beautiful. It was alive. It was part of all this glory all around us. How could heaven be any better? And here we are making plans for school, for getting married, and I’m going to medical school. I never could have afforded that before. So, yeah. That was one of the best days of my life last year. And this is another one this year. I love life. I love you so much, Mark."
"Just as much as I love you, Sarah Beth," I said. We kissed, but broke it up when another car pulled into the parking area. "When you first asked me to come up this road, I thought you were thinking about Randy. You’d seemed kind of down since that happened."
"I was, in a way—but not like I wanted to see where it happened. Life is so wonderful that even with all I’ve lost, I couldn’t figure out why anyone would want to die. But I had to admit to myself that there had been times that I thought about giving up, thought that dying might be easier than living. Then sometimes I’d open my eyes and see Annie, with those silly ribbons in her hair, clattering along on her laptop with those bright blue fingernails, and I figured that I had better hang on for her sake—for your sake. And I’m so glad I did, lover mine."
"Like I said, I’d do it again in a minute, just to be with you. Even if I hadn’t gotten to like Annie myself. Uh, oh. I was just noticing the back of your neck. It’s pretty red."
She gently rubbed a pink fingernail against her neck and winced. "Ooh. You’re right. I’m still used to having long hair—mine or my wig’s, and I’m not used to having my neck bare."
"Beautiful neck it is, too," I leered, and kissed it appropriately. There. Does that make it feel better?" As much as I loved the long, flowing curls she had lost, I liked this short and sassy cut, too.
"No," she grinned. "But it makes the rest of me feel better."
As the sun went behind the mountains, we watched their shadows lengthen across the prairie, and lights in Fort Russell became more visible. We hugged and kissed, we ate our snacks, we talked some more, and finally got back in the jeep to go home. We stopped at DQ for cones, then she asked me to swing by the thrift store. It was still open. She soon found a broad-billed tan hat that would protect her neck on future outings. She also found a floppy, faded denim hat with embroidered flowers all around the crown. "Oh, this is so Annie," she squealed. "Let’s get it for her."
"Annie’s got a pretty good tan from all her bike riding," I started to protest, but I saw that determined look in her eyes above the grin. "but you’re right. Annie will love that hat. And it’ll remind her of this most beautiful of all days." Since it was dark by then, I wore the hat in the jeep the rest of the way to Sarah’s house.
SENIOR PROMS
Signs were sprouting up like flowers around Fort Russell High, all of them touting the glories of the Senior Prom. Just a year ago, as juniors, Sarah Beth and I worked hard to help organize the big dance. We had dreamed about coming and dancing as seniors, even though on the whole we weren’t "social animals." We were, after all, celebrating the end of our high school career and looking forward to staying a "couple" forever. Now we were seniors, and the juniors were working for us, making plans to decorate the country club. But now Sarah had only one leg. As we stood in the hallway, Sarah leaning on her cane, I said, "You’re not taking anyone else to Senior Prom, are you?"
"No," she said wistfully. "No one else. Were you asking?"
"Sure, I was asking. Will you come to the prom with me?"
We hadn’t been to any dances since her illness. We missed the Fall Fiesta and Homecoming Dance because she was sick with chemo. The other smaller dances, held in the school cafeteria, we ignored. But this was prom. "Is it worth spending the money?" she asked. "I’m not even as good a dancer as you are, anymore." As choreographically challenged as I had always been, she was probably right.
"So, we can improvise on the dancing. I just want to be there with you in my arms. We can at least sway during the slow dances, just so we can hold each other close. Please come." I sloppily tried a kneeling motion and almost knocked her over. "Besides, you’re my fiancee, kid."
"Okay, then. Prince Charming, I’d love to go the ball with you. But I’m not sure I can find a glass slipper to fit this foot."
"That’s okay, as long as you don’t mind that the carriage is my jeep. The limos are already rented out, I hear." Besides, I couldn’t afford one, anyway. "But I am glad that you want to go." So I stopped at the booth to buy tickets from two eager juniors.
That Saturday, Sarah’s mom took her shopping for a prom dress, and they met me at the tux rental place so we could coordinate our attire, and go from there to lunch together. Sarah’s dress looked great in the bag, but I had trouble finding a tux in my size that went well with it—or with anything else, for that matter. All the good ones were reserved. Finally, we picked the least bad of the lot. On the way to lunch, Sarah grinned. "Too bad it isn’t Annie that’s going to the prom. She could wear that gorgeous blue gown from her date with Roger, and make all the girls jealous." She paused. "Actually, it does seem a change that Annie will miss out on going to a dance." My date with Roger had been a formal dinner date.
"Probably not the safest thing to do, though," I chuckled. "Some of these guys will have gun racks on their limos. No, Annie will just have to miss this dance. Besides, doesn’t Julie still have the gown at college?" Sarah’s mom admitted that Julie did still have the gown, and that she had actually worn it once to a college dance. She also told me that Julie was home for the weekend.
As we munched our burgers, Sarah mumbled something softly. I asked her to repeat it. "Maybe we shouldn’t go." I asked her why. "Except for bobbing my head back and forth, I haven’t moved to music since last summer. I’m really going to feel like a geek, limping around the dance floor."
"You two lovebirds could practice beforehand," Mrs. Holding advised. "Without a crowd around, put on some music and become comfortable with it. The prom’s in a week. Come over tonight, if you want." We had planned on a movie, but we could always put that off. Sarah and I agreed. "Come over about six for supper, and we’ll go from there. We’ll move the therapy equipment to the side in the basement, turn the dimmers down, and boogie. It’ll just be the Holding girls and you, Mark." Mr. H was trucking a load down in west Texas.
I cringed when I saw the gleam in Sarah’s eye. "Can Annie come? Tonight, I mean? That way, she could have her own prom."
Mrs. H pressed her lips together. "That would be up to Mark, Sarah. Don’t put him in a difficult situation."
I wasn’t sure how to react. I hadn’t gotten to dress as Annie
since our last trip over the mountains. "Let me think about it. Let’s just see
how it goes, okay? " They agreed.
So I showed up for supper in my khaki slacks and a Henley shirt, but I had a sport jacket
and a Sunday shirt on hangers over my shoulder, and an inexpensive wrist corsage in a
plastic box. I had picked it up when I ordered the real corsage for next Saturday. Sarah
kissed my cheek and put the corsage in the refrigerator until after supper. As her mom
took my jacket and shirt, Sarah said, "You won’t be needing those, unless
you’re planning to spend the night and go to church from here tomorrow." Her mom
protested with a vigorous head shake. Soon, we were all chowing down, except for Julie who
was having supper with Joan Kim, from the nail shop. Mrs. H had found time to put together
a nice meal, in spite of the day’s shopping. We all pitched in to help clean up the
table and throw the dishes in the washer. "It’s getting late. We’d better
get Annie ready for her prom," Sarah told her mom, casting a teasing glance at me.
"If you want me to be Annie tonight, I will," I said. "But why do you want me to be?"
"Because I miss her every once in awhile," she said. "and because you’re always so stiff at dancing, that maybe being Annie tonight will loosen you up a bit. That way, we can both be more relaxed on the real dance floor. And Annie shouldn’t have to grow up without having gone to a prom." As we left her mom in the kitchen, she whispered, "Besides, I always find you sexy as Mark. But I’m beginning to find Annie a little bit sexy to me, too!"
"Lead on, then," I said in my Annie voice. I had though we would have to go upstairs to Julie’s room, where most of Annie’s clothes were stored, but Sarah and Julie had already brought what I needed down to her room. Unfortunately, her room didn’t have much privacy, since it only had a curtain for a door. Sarah gave me my padded panties, bra, and a pair of pantyhose and told me to go change in the downstairs bathroom. I stripped and put on the lingerie.
I padded back, wearing my Annie undies. My heart jumped and I started to dash across the living room to Sarah’s room. With the slick pantyhose, my feet went out from under me on the polished hardwood floor, and my slide was so good that I would have been safe at third, had the coffee table been third base. It was only Julie, carrying a baby in her arms. "Hi, Annie," she just said calmly, as if I always slid around their living room in lingerie. "This is Tina Kim, Joan’s daughter. She was in her mommy’s tummy when she gave you your blue nails." The infant gave me a toothless grin as Julie waved its tiny hand at me. "Tina, this is your aunt Annie. She’s kind of silly, but we love her very much." By that time, Sarah had come out, and eagerly took the baby. Someday all those motherhood instincts will be used on our kids, I thought, as I rose up from the floor. Mrs. Holding had come up from the basement at the loud thump, so I was now surrounded by laughing women. "Joan couldn’t get time away from the shop for supper," Julie explained after the laughing had died down, "and the shop was so crowded, all of Tina’s natural babysitters were busy nailing the general population of Fort Russell." (All the women in the Kim family were nail technicians at their own store, Nail Fancy, except for Tina, who was sitting in my lap by this time. Her nails weren’t much larger than pinheads.) "So they ordered in oriental, and I volunteered to take Tina for the evening. She wanted to dance at the prom, too."
Tina watched raptly as the Holding sisters prepared to transform me into a prom queen. First came the dress. When I first entered Sarah’s room, I thought it was her prom gown hanging from a hook, but I realized it was much too long for Sarah. (Sarah, under 5’2", is almost as much shorter than Julie and I as we are shorter than Karrin, Julie’s roommate at college.) The dress was a delicate peach color, sleeveless, low-waisted and slightly flared, with a subtle brocade around the high neck. As I found out when they lifted it over me, the back was open to mid-back. Julie pulled down the bra strap so it wouldn’t show, leaning me backwards. It was classy. "This was my senior prom dress, Annie," Julie commented. "So we figured it would fit. That color looks good on you!" I have dark enough a tan that I didn’t know if it would or not, but as it worked out the contrast was nice. "Here, why don’t you do your nails, and I’ll help Sarah change and then come back to do your makeup," Julie suggested.
"That’s okay, I can do my own," I offered. Julie was already helping Sarah out of her slacks and lavender tank top.
"You do great for daytime makeup, Annie," Julie answered, "but for prom you need something more dramatic, yet not overdone. We’ll handle it."
"Okay," I muttered. I started to paint my nails the silvery-blue color they had given me. Seven-month-old Tina watched with fascination from my lap, where Julie had dropped her, with a baby blanket between the kid and my fancy dress. The painting process was slowed by my glancing at the mirror to watch my fiancee change clothes. Her body was so beautiful to me, even with the bulk of the harness for her full-leg prosthesis. Sarah’s new gown, as Julie fit it over her, was a pale blue, classy and understated, but showing her curves off to good advantage. "Wow!" was all I could say.
"We’re just getting started with both of you," Julie said. "Let’s you, me, and Tina go up to my room so Saraboo can have her vanity back." With that, she swept the little one out of my lap, and we processed upwards. After applying base makeup and color to my cheeks, Julie began to work on my eyes, first with an eyebrow pencil, then with several colors of eye shadow. She artistically blended grays, silver, and peach together, which helped unify the colors of my nails and my gown. She added some tiny spots of glitter to my cheeks and neck, and handed me a peach lipstick.
"Now, downstairs for the fine tuning," she said. I loyally marched after her. They had given me footies to wear, to keep my pantyhose from running, and to help keep me from sliding again. I still walked very carefully.
I sat on Sarah’s bed as she was finishing her makeup. Julie placed Sarah’s luxurious, wavy wig on my head. The back of the hairpiece was swept up to the crown, held in place by a few glittery clips here and there. Tiny ribbons of silver and peach hung from it, and brushed against my cheek. Julie pulled out a few small hair clips to allow ringlets to fall down past my temple. I leaned over Sarah’s shoulder to look in the mirror, and worked the diamond earrings into my ears. Was Annie prettier than she was on her date with Roger last summer? Maybe.
When I was done with my earrings, Julie placed the pearls around my neck that Mrs. Cameron had brought me. The wrist corsage was a surprise. Sarah slipped it over my wrist. "You were driving away from the florist when mom and I pulled in," she grinned. Peach blossoms with silvery ribbon coordinated beautifully with the rest of my look.
"I guess I’m wearing my low heels from last summer, right?" I asked. I knew that my feet were larger than Julie’s and that the heels she had worn with the gown wouldn’t fit.
"Wrong," Sarah said. She pulled out a shoebox. Inside were tall heels, at least three inches, open-toed, peach colored, with a little silver spangle on the inseam. "Nice, huh?" Sarah asked. "We got them at the discount shoe store, so they’re made of plastic and won’t stay together too well, but their look are more stylish than their price. We added the silver to go with the rest of your ensemble." I slipped them on, and wobbled around. "Considering our short notice, you look absolutely gorgeous," my Sarah told me, as she wrapped her arms around me. "If you went to the prom next Saturday like this, I bet nobody would have the least idea."
"Not until I did this," I answered. I reached down to kiss her and we joyously smeared two sets of lipstick. As I leaned up, she pulled my face down for another. Julie groaned. After we freshened up, we worked our way downstairs very carefully, me wobbling as much in my heels as Sarah Beth was on her artificial leg.
I commented on it, and she said, "Don’t complain. Think of yourself having a flat on one foot and a twenty-six inch heel that goes all the way up to your thigh on the other." She had a point. The lights were low in their family room in the basement. Sarah’s physical therapy and exercise equipment was pushed against a wall or stashed in the laundry room. Mrs. Holding had set out a punch bowl and crystal glasses, with orange sherbet floating in the punch. Who cares if the snacks were from a Little Debbie’s box?
"I’m going to check on mom and Tina," Julie told us from the stairway. "Then I’ll be back down. So will mom and Tina. So make sure that all your dancing is vertical, okay?" We both stuck out our tongues at our pesky older sister (well, my pesky older sister-in-law-to-be, but the Holdings consider me family already, anyway).
"Shall we dance?" I asked. The music was soft and slow.
"We can try," Sarah said, a smile beaming on her face. She left her cane at the chair. Slowly, awkwardly, we rocked back and forth and made our way around the floor. Slowly she gained confidence—not in our dancing ability, but in our combined ability to stay on our feet. It was so wonderful, having her body against mine, that I almost forgot that we looked more like sisters than a man and woman planning to be married. When the rock beat picked up, we were able to let loose of each other and move our bodies to the rhythm, again staying upright. A few times I had to reach out and steady her, and once she reached out to steady me when I wobbled too much in those darn heels. Then we just laughed and sat down. The other Harding women and Tina came down, so we all took turns dancing with one another. In spite of the fact that her feet were nowhere near the floor, Tina was a very good dancer.
When our feet were sufficiently sore, we just sat and talked. "See, I told you," Sarah chirped. "Annie’s a beautiful lady, and a better dancer than Mark. Maybe it’ll carry over next week."
"But I’ll be plain old Mark next week, remember? But that’s okay, you will still be beautiful Sarah."
And so, next week, we were. I did look like a nondescript teenage boy in a mildly ugly gray tux, but that was okay. The shoes pinched, but at least I could wear them without wobbling like I had in the heels. And Sarah, of course, was radiant. We danced, not worrying about what other people thought about our dancing ability, but like two young people deeply and incredibly in love. And the hair ribbon and wrist corsage from Annie’s prom hung pinned together from my dresser mirror at home.
WEDDING PLANS
Working together with our parents, Sarah Beth and I got busy making wedding arrangements. Of course, since our families were both active there, we planned to have the wedding at our local Presbyterian church. Our minister, Dr. Rollins, agreed to invite Rev. McGrail to participate in the service. We would have the reception in the church’s fellowship hall. The ladies there would cater it for us, and save us a huge amount of money. We had also sent out letters to the people we wanted in the service, including a follow-up letter to Vickie and Roberta Hudnut. We thought Roberta might be more comfortable if her mom were in the service, so we asked Vickie if she would be a bridesmaid, too. Of course that meant adding another guy on my side, so I called Allen Eagle Wing, a friend of mine from the Ocelots bicycling club, and he was delighted. It wouldn’t be a large wedding, because neither of us had large families or lots of school friends. But it would have one of the most interesting wedding parties that our town had ever seen. On the left would be my one-legged bride; Julie, her jock sister; Kelly, with all her scars; Joanie, in her electric wheelchair; and Vickie, Roberta’s young mother. On the right would be the groom, who had an alter-ego named Annie; my gay best friend, Rick; Karrin, Julie’s African roommate, nearly 6 and a half feet tall, who would tower over everybody; my girl cousin, who was normal, as far as I knew, but willing to stand on the guys’ side; and Allen, a Ute with a long braid.
A week later, we got a letter back from Kelly.
Dear Sarah & Mark & Annie,
Thanx for the invite. I know you had asked me before, but now it’s official. Yes, I’ll be glad to be in your wedding. I’ll either come by bus the day be4 or maybe my boyfriend Dan will drive me. We’ll see. I (or we) will come on the 25th so there’s times for the dress fitting and beauty shop like you asked (hopeless cause tho it may be). But I’m warning you. If the dress is too ugly or all dainty frills, I will get my revenge. By the way. Now that my ranch has stopped paying for my burn surgeries, mom, Dan and I may be moving to Cameron! Thanx for introducing us to Mrs. Cameron. They offered us all jobs at better pay. Dan keeps hinting that he wants to marry me, but hasn’t come right out to ask yet. He’s real shy and quiet, but sweet, a lot like you Mark, but he would look really ugly in a dress. He doesn’t have much book learning, but he knows a lot. So yes, I may be holding you 2 to your promise to be my bridesmaids. Actually, Sarah, you can be my maid (matron?) of honor. I don’t want Annie 2 be, cause she couldn’t sign her name legal on the license, and I don’t want any loopholes. Love u both! Kelly Cassidy
One April day, we went shopping for wedding rings. Sarah was wearing the engagement ring that I had given her. It wasn’t a real engagement ring. It was the diamond solitaire that Mrs. Cameron had brought me for my date with Roger. I had told Sarah that I wanted to buy her a new engagement ring, but she hadn’t agreed right away. So we were going to look for wedding rings, anyway. On the way to the store, Sarah looked at me and said, "You’re going to be Annie sometimes after we’re married, aren’t you?"
"I guess. Why?" I asked.
"It’ll make a difference in what we get here," she said, as I parked at the mall to go to the jewelry store. "If you want to buy me a new engagement ring you can, if it’s not anything too big that you can’t afford. But if I do, it’s because I want Annie to have the solitaire back. They can stretch it here for your ring finger size. I’ll tell them it’s for my sister. We’ll try to get you a wedding ring narrow enough to be unisex, and one that goes with the solitaire. Annie’s going to be married to me too, so it’s only right that she has rings. And if Annie goes out in public, I want guys to know she’s married, so they don’t try to hit on her."
"Yes, ma’am," was all I could say.
(continued)
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