The Adventures of Annie
by Emmie Dee © 2000Part 4
Grounded
These aren't all the emails we sent when I was grounded, actually, there were hundreds, but they are enough to tell the story. Mark
To: SaraBH@ftruss.net; joopster1@westview.edu
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Date: 1/1
Subject: Grounded
Hi, Sarah and Julie. Yep, it hit the fan. This is just to let you know that my dad grounded me for the whole month of Jan. I had never promised him not to be Annie again, but he still felt I broke our agreement. So--outside of school and church and going places with mommy and daddy--I'm under house arrest. Even phone calls are limited. He didn't think about email, though ;-) Sarah, he did say that I could come over after school MWF for your therapy/workouts, but I have to call him frm home every time I get back, so he can check me on caller ID. Or collar ID, since I seem to be the family dog now. I guess this Annie thing freaks him totally, more thn I thot. I guess I won't protest, maybe get off for good behavior. Maybe he won't recognize passive-aggressive when he sees it. Oh, well. We survived all those weeks at the hospital. I guess we can survive this.
To: Markanj@ftruss.net
From: SarahBH@ftruss.net
Date: 1/1
Re: Grounded
I miss you already, lover. And I'm sooooo sorry for talking you into being Annie last night. Please forgive me. You don't have to be Annie any more, ever again, if you don't want to. I won't ask anymore. I guess because your folks talked to my folks, they wanted us to get rid of Annie's stuff. Julie and I made a compromise with them. They're hauling it all up to her room now, so it won't be so tempting. As if that was the problem. And I am really sorry for playing with your brain about this Annie stuff. It's just that your brain is sooo cute. Be a good little soldier, I guess. Loveya bunches. Sarah
To: Markanj@ftruss.net
From: Joopster1@westview.edu
Date: 1/1
Re: Grounded
Mark, you are the nicest guy in the world, and I will love for you to be my brother-in-law. I wouldn't hurt you for anything, but I keep doing it. I am really really sorry for bringing the whole Annie thing up last nite. I didn't know your dad would go up in smoke and you would go down in flames. I know it's easier to forgive Sarah Beth, but forgive me, too, okay? I also promise that I won't talk you into being Annie again. I'm glad you have email. I'll try to send you letters to prison, okay? Julie the Hoopster
To: SarahBH@ftruss.net; Joopster1@westview.edu
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Date: 1/ 2
Hey. It's okay
Thanks, both. Hey. You needn't grovel so much. I made the decision to be Annie that night, you didn't twist my arm. And thanks for salvaging Annie's stuff. No matter what our dads think, Annie will be back. I like her, too. She's part of our lives, and someday they'll have to come to terms with that, or they'll lose their son. Seeya at school tomorrow, Sarah. 2 days apart are more than I can deal with. Love, Mark P.S. Thanks, Julie. Keep a-writing.
To: Markanj@ftruss.net
From: Joopster1@westview.edu
Cc: Sarabh@ftruss.net
Date: 1/02
Re: Hey. It's okay
Thanks, Mark. I'm glad you don't hate me. (I know you couldn't hate my kid sister for more than 10 minutes at a time) I'm glad to host Annie's stuff in my room, so anytime you have the urge (that you can get away w/it), jump into my closet and jump out as Super Annie. But 1 thing scares me-what did you mean "they'll lose their son?" that scares me. Should it? Wooops--gotta go.
To: Markanj@ftruss.net
From: Sarabh@ftruss.net
Cc: Joopster1@westview.edu
Date: 1/02
Re: Hey. It's okay
Yeah, me, too. What did you mean? I don't want anybody to lose you.
To: Joopster1@westview.edu
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Cc: Sarabh@ftruss.net
Date: 1/02
Re: Hey. It's okay
Sorry! I was getting melodramatic. I'm not suicidal or anything crazy like that. I have too much to live for, and her initials are SBH. No, I just meant that next month I'm 18, and as much as I love my parental figures, I could move out and make it on my own if I don't get dad past his hangups about Annie. Say hi to Karrin for me, Joopster. And what do you mean, woooops?
To: Markanj@ftruss.net
From: Joopster1@westview.edu
Cc: Sarabh@ftruss.net
Date: 1/03
Guess who knows?
Thanks Mark. Big relief. You're so mild-mannered (like clark kent) that you're not used to big blowups with your folks. I'm a veteran, given my temper. (LOL) All you Jansens are basically cool, you'll get thru it ok. Sorry to tell you this, Mark/Annie. I said wooops because my incredibly tall, light-footed roommate had come up behind me and read my email over my shoulder. You should have seen her face when she came up with the conclusion that you're Annie. When I told her the whole story, though, she was completely impressed with you (as I am). Don't worry-she's on our side. She wants to see Annie again sometime, though. And she dropped this broad hint that she wants to come to your wedding. Speaking of that, how are things going in wedding bell plans? Starting to snow here. Gotta go to bb practice before we get snowed in. Big game tomorrow night.
To: Markanj@ftruss.net; Joopster1@westview.edu
From: Sarabh@ftruss.net
Date: 1/04
The plot thickens
Thanx, Mark. I loved being w/you at school today, except it makes me realize how much I miss you when we can't be together. Thanx for explaining there that nobody was going to lose you. Even thanx for taking me thru the torture--I mean therapy--regimen today in the dungeon--I mean exercise room. Wasn't I good at sneaking the clear nail polish past mom so we could do yur toenails? You are good at being passive-aggressive. Your dad may suspect, but won't know fersure, fersure. (heh heh heh). Julie, the snow's starting here now, coming down off the mountains. And tell Karrin I would love to have her in my wedding, whenever it might be—and not just attending, really in it, like you will be. But tell her that Mark is going to be Mark for the wedding, not Annie. He'll wear a tux, not a wedding gown.
To: Joopster1@westview.edu; Sarabh@ftruss.net
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Date: 1/04
The plot'th more thickening every thecond
Sarah's right, but I won't guarantee what color my toenails will be (giggle) then. Hey. This snow's something.
To: Sarabh@ftruss.net; Joopster1@westview.edu; Koopster3@westview.edu
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Date: 1/05
Hi, gals
Since you know my secret now Karrin, I'll include you, too, at least once in awhile. I second what Sarah said. Please be in our wedding. That joopster/ koopster/hoopster email name business is just too cute for words, by the way. Do other team members do that too? Hey-I saw on the sports that your women's varsity won its game. Did you get playing time? I really feel in prison now. My only time away is to go to school, and school's closed 'cause of snow. I just wish we had realtime chat on our ISP. I told Sarah this in school yesterday, but I'm more and more sure that I want us to get married this summer. We've both been approved for scholarship now. Mine isn't as much as I hoped, but the Cameron trust scholarship will be there for Sarah--we just don't have the exact amount yet. BTW: Thanks, Julie, for the research and URLs on the good TG informational sites. Some say you have to be 18 to enter and I won't until next month, but Annie's over 18, right? They're helping me understand more, and helping me calm some of my fears about why Annie is so important to us. Now if I can just calm dad's.
To: Sarabh@ftruss.net; Joopster1@westview.edu
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Date: 1/07
Bleary-eyed
So now it's Saturday and I'm still in solitary. Well, I'll see you tomorrow AM at church, Sarah Bear. It's funny that in the time I'm supposed to be reflecting on the error of my ways, I'm becoming convinced that you 2 bringing Annie into my life was a wonderful gift. Even though I can't look like Annie right now, she's still real inside me, just as real as when those long acrylic blue nails that rattled my keyboard when I kept my journal at Hope Haven. Annie is a lot of good things inside me that were always there, but I didn't have a name for them before. Yes, Julie. I've been hitting those web sites you sent me and thinking and praying. Now it's time to go outdoors and shovel some more on the driveway. Mark An(nie)drew Jansen
To: Markanj@ftruss.net;
From: Joopster1@westview.edu; Koopster3@westview.edu
Cc: Sarabh@ftruss.net
Date: 1/08
Thanks, Marko Polo.
Glad you liked the web sites. Wish we could be with you and the family at church today. We're really snowed in still, but we should still be able to get out of town by Tuesday for the next game. BTW. When you've served your sentence, Mark, why don't you and SB come visit us again? Or should I say Annie and SB? I can reserve the women's jock dorm guest room again, if you come as Annie. Howzabout Feb 13? It'll be a belated birthday present for Annie and an early one for Sarah. Okay? Attaching another web site you may find interesting.
To: Markanj@ftruss.net
From: Sarabh@ftruss.net
Date: 1/08
Re: Bleary-eyed
Mark, love, please forgive me, but I just meddled big-time. I hope your dad isn’t furious with me. I hope you’re not furious with me. I called your dad and talked with him. I thot maybe I could say some things that you couldn’t. I really did try to be nice and polite, honest. I told him that I loved him, and that I was really going to love being his daughter-in-law. Then I told him that he was being totally unfair grounding you.
I told him that he was so lucky to have as a son somebody who didn’t drink, smoke, or do drugs, and that his not liking Annie was his problem, not yours, because Annie saved my life. Anyway, he was nice enough not to yell at me, but I hope he doesn’t think you put me up to it. Anyway, if I messed things up again, I’m sorry. Love ya. SB
To: Joopster1@westview.edu; Sarabh@ftruss.net; koopster3@westview.edu
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Date: 1/10
Bleary-eyed again
I know you'll be on the road, Julie and Karrin, going to the Tech game, but you'll get it sometime. Say--did you hear about the blond who--sorry, Julie. Forgot you were blond. Sarah and I talked, and if I can become Annie again without stirring up trouble, we'll come for the game. That "Saga of Tuck" story was great. Then I read the Seasons one. I was up half the night reading it. Tuck and I are about as far apart in temperament as any two guys can be, but his story seemed really familiar in some ways. I guess we're both lucky in both loving girls who like their boy friends to wear dresses. Maybe I need to learn something from him about standing up for myself more and doing my own thing. That's what makes this grounding so tough. I've always been the nice, obedient kid, straight as an arrow, never causing any trouble. So I'm not used to being in trouble (like you are, Julie<grin>). And it's hard when someone asks me to go somewhere and I say I'm grounded, and I can't tell them what for. They just say "You? Grounded? What did you do? Cross the street without holding your mommy's hand?" I just smile, think about my Annie life, and say "You'll never know." Just heard the score of your game. Sorry about that, Julie. But Tech's always tough. My eyes are jazzed from reading the laptop screen too long. So g'night. You, too Karrin. Sarah Beth, how I wish I could say goodnight to you personally. And no, dad didn’t come down on me, and I’m glad you said what you did. Love ya back, Mark
To: Richardsont@Cameron.com
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Date: 1/12
Re: Scholarship agreement
Dear Ms. Richardson. Thank you very much for your work as administrator of the Roger Cameron Memorial Scholarship Trust, and your help to Sarah Beth Holding and to myself. I am pleased that you accepted my argument that the scholarship should, when appropriate, include funding for aides, such as interpreters for deaf people, etc. Sarah Beth and I have discussed this, and we agreed that in addition to my own studies, I can function as a mobility aide to Sarah Beth, helping her get to classes, the library, etc., and can continue with her physical therapy. We understand that this is a yearly renewable arrangement. We can arrange our class schedules closely for the first 2 years at least, since Sarah has recently decided on premed and I plan to study physical therapy. The stipend involved, added to other scholarship funds, will allow us to get married, and for us both to continue our education. This is a real dream come true. Sincerely, Mark A. Jansen P.S.: Please give Mrs. Cameron our love.
To: Joopster1@westview.edu; Koopster3@westview.edu
From: Markanj@ftruss.net
Date: 1/15
(This is from Sarah, too)
Yes! There is a God! Halleluia and amen! We just told our parents and we're telling you now. We are getting married on August 28, at the Presby church here in Ft. Russell. All the finances have fallen into place. Our parents all said they had hoped we would wait, but that we were unusually mature, and that since we handled last summer, we could probably handle marriage, too. We would have done it without their blessing, but we're glad that we have it. Julie, you already know that you're to be the Maid of Honor. Kelly Cassidy from Hope Haven and Joanie from here in town will be bridesmaids. Karrin, I'm short on attendants for my side. Would you be a groom's attendant (notice I didn't say groomsman)? You don't have to wear a tux. You can wear a long dress (yes, I know all dresses on you are long) in the same color as the tuxes. (One cross dresser is enough in the wedding party.) You'll be up there with my best friend (best man) and my cousin from out of town (also a girl, also in a dress.) If you're uncomfortable doing that, you can help at the reception. Whaddayasay? By the way--dad ungrounded me. He's still uncomfortable with Annie, but I think he understood that grounding me wasn't going to change my mind. Besides, We need the time to start working on a wedding. Free at last, Free at last!
Supper with Annie
"What do you want for your birthday?" my parents kept asking.
"You helped me buy the jeep last year and a good racing bike the year before that," I said. "So don’t get me anything big this year. Just put some money aside for the wedding, or my college fund. But when my birthday comes, I’ll ask you for something that won’t cost anything, okay?" That left them bewildered.
The days went by. It was good to be able to pick Sarah up after school, to bum around, to study together, to grab burgers, or just to sit on one of our couches, with her head on my shoulder, and dream about our life together. Sarah’s hair was growing in nicely, though she still wore her wig in public. Her hair was sort of crewcut length, but not trimmed. When it got pixie length, she said, the wig would go bye-bye. The hospital staff had warned us that her hair could grow back a different color or texture. Thank heavens they were wrong. It was the same light reddish-brown color that I always compared to ginger snaps.
On the first of February, my birthday came. I did get some presents, mostly music CD’s and some clothes that would be good for college. The Holdings and Jansens took me out for dinner at a nice Italian restaurant as a special treat. As we talked over pizza and pasta, my mom reminded me. "What was it you said you were going to ask us for on your birthday?"
We were in a private room, so I could talk openly. Of course, Sarah knew what I was going to say. "First, I want to thank you for your blessing for our marriage. That means a lot to us. Second, I just want to say how neat it is for both of us to have two-parent families. Not many of our friends can say that. You’ve always been there for us. And even though we’re not married yet, I feel that I have two families. Mom and pop Jansen, mom and pop Holding, and my bossy older sister Julie, who’s away at college." Everybody chuckled. "Now, for what I wanted to ask. Dad, and Dad Holding, I know that you two are still having trouble dealing with the fact that sometimes I’m still Annie. I’ve done some serious thinking when I was grounded, and I want to talk to you about it, where you’ll listen and not try to argue me out of it. Actually, I want you to listen to Annie. I know that you’re all free next Saturday night, and that Sarah Beth and mom Holding are going to drive down and meet Julie and Karrin on Saturday morning and afternoon to bring them back here. I want you all to come over to the Holdings Saturday evening. Annie and Sarah are going to serve you supper. Annie’s going to cook it. I hope that when you find out a little more about Annie, you’ll get to accept her a little more. Because like it or not, she’s still part of our lives, and she’ll probably hang around. That’s what I want for my birthday. Okay?" Both dads looked nervous and unhappy, but they both nodded their heads. "And I don’t want to talk about it before then, either, okay?" They nodded again.
Saturday came. After two bowls of cereal, I drove to the Holdings. Dad Holding was still on the road, and Sarah and her mom had left to meet Julie and Karrin. The teammates had played a night game with a college next to the university we’d be attending next fall, and were coming to Fort Russell for the weekend. Sarah had also promised that she and mom would stop off to see Roberta.
The Holdings had left their garage door open, so I just pulled my jeep in next to their pickup and lowered the garage door. It felt a little different going upstairs to Julie’s room, but that’s where my stuff was now. It had been a long time since I had spent a whole day as Annie—since Roger’s funeral, almost three months ago. As a serious cyclist, I shave my body hair at least weekly, and I had done that last night, and had shaved my face closely this morning. So much for the preliminaries. I scout around the room, and find that Sarah had put a yellow sticky with the words "Annie’s Stuff" on one of Julie’s dresser drawers. I pull out my pale blue panties with the sewn-in hip pads, buckle my padded bra around my tummy and twisted it around and up over my chest. Making my way to the vanity, I file my nails to smooth off the rough edges and round them slightly, where possible. Then I pick up a bottle of clear and another of bright blue nail polish—not only Annie’s trademark, but it would look good with the blue knit dress I planned to wear that evening. For some reason, applying nail polish has become my favorite part of becoming Annie. Is it the fragrance? The color? The memories? I don’t know. I just like it. Slowly, carefully, I lay a clear base coat, then stroke the bright blue color, watching it catch the sunlight coming through the window. Another coat of blue, then clear. I repeat the process for my toenails, even though nobody will see them tonight. As the nails dry, I think about what I will say tonight, and pray that my parents and my Holding parents will listen. I grin, and wonder what Karrin will make of this. It’s just a happenstance of schedule that she’ll be here this weekend, but I trust her.
From nails I move on to makeup, just a simple job. Foundation, to cover my light whiskers. A little color mixed in. Mascara. Dark brown eyeliner. A soft rose lipstick that I think will look good with blue. For my day’s work, I slip on the Westview Women’s Power tee shirt, a soft pale blue denim skirt, and some battered old flip flops. I slip small studs into the upper holes in my ears, and in the bottom holes, some long, floppy earrings that I like to hear rattle when I shake my head. Sarah gave them to me. No other accessories right now—they just get in the way during cooking. I pull on the wig. My hair is still short enough that I don’t need to cap it—just a few bobbie pins hold it in place. I smile in the mirror. Annie smiles back.
On to the kitchen, Annie! I brought the groceries last night, so it’s a matter of finding the pans and utensils I need. The menu is Mexican—if you didn’t have that one figured out, you don’t know me well. Pico de Gallo (I make mine without jalapenos, so it’s a flavor contrast to the spicier stuff), guacamole salad, chili, and chili rellenos should do nicely. I begin chopping veggies. Mr. Jones, the Holding family dog, watches me eagerly. The large, drooling creature has very eclectic tastes. He gobbles up the cucumber peels and green pepper innards that I toss him. I know from past experience that he also loves potato peels. I wonder how he would do with a piece of poblano pepper? As I slice them and get ready to parboil them, I evilly try him on a piece, but he turns his nose up. Smart dog. Poblanos aren’t as hot as jalapenos, but they can zing you. I don’t stuff and deep fry the poblanos to make the chili rellenos. I lay them sliced flat in a baking dish, and put the seasoned meat and cheese layers on top, sort of like a Mexican lasagna. I love cooking, and I’m glad my mom taught me how. Most of my friends—male and female—can pull stuff out of the refrigerator and zap it in the microwave, and that’s about it. I haven’t coordinated many entire dinners like this, but everything seems to be simmering on schedule. This is the first time for me to cook a dinner as Annie, and it’s fun looking down at my skirt or nails and seeing myself as the busy little housewife. At least I don’t have pearls and high heels on, like June Cleaver on the Nick reruns. (For some reason, while all by myself, becoming Annie again and cooking, it just seemed right to use present tense. It was so immediate, so personal. So now I’ll go back to the "historical record" mode.)
About 2:30, the dog barked and the garage door opened. I opened the door into the garage to see Mrs. Holding, Sarah, Julie, and Karrin all climb out of the minivan. One of my flip flops fell off and I nearly tripped over the dog as I ran to hug and kiss Sarah—a big hug and a long kiss. Julie and Karrin were laughing hysterically.
"What’s so funny?" I grinned. "Haven’t you ever seen two engaged people kiss before?"
"You two are so funny, that’s what," Julie laughed. "Just because Karrin and I are such good friends and hang out together and work well on the court together, people assume we’re lesbians…."
"You’re not? I’m disappointed," Sarah said, with a fake surprised look on her face. By this time, we’re all in hysterics except for Mrs. Holding, who seems to be having deep reservations about having ever chosen motherhood.
"Bratty kid sister," Julie answered. "As I was saying, they call us lesbians, and the first thing we see is two broads making out in the garage. In front of company, yet." So we kissed again. Karrin’s leaning on the minivan, laughing with an African accent, if that’s possible, tears running down her face. She got up, walked over to me, and put her hands on my shoulder.
I looked up. I had to, since she was a head taller than I was. "Annie! It’s so good to see you again!" she said. "And to think that you spent that whole weekend with us on campus and I didn’t know you were Mark, and I visited here and met Mark and didn’t know he was Annie, but now I know you both, and you’re both crazy!" With that, she hugged me tight.
"Uh, hello, Karrin," I stammered when I came up for air. "I think I gotta go stir my chili." I turned to dash off for the kitchen. After checking, I went out to the garage to help unload, but most of it was already done.
As I helped carry a duffel in, I heard Sarah whisper to her sister "I wish you two were lesbian lovers, actually, because Karrin’s so neat I’d like to have in our lives forever."
Julie whispered back. "You’re just trying to get me to say one way or the other, aren’t you? I’ll never tell, you snoopy little thing."
I gave them a quick tour of the kitchen and preview of coming attractions. Later, as Julie and Karrin were settling in, Sarah and I set the table. I carried from the cupboards, and she set stuff on. "It was a fun trip," she said. "and Roberta’s going home in a few days. She really pouted that you weren’t there, Annie."
I sat down the plates. "Will she be home already by the time we go to visit Westview?" I asked.
"They’re not sure. They think maybe so. But her mom gave us their address, and told us to come by their apartment if they did. I don’t think she’ll be ready for bike lessons, though." Sarah continued to give me updates from their trip. "I understand that Julie and Karrin are getting a lot of varsity playing time and may earn varsity letters as a freshman," she announced.
"I can believe it," I said. Karrin came into the dining room, ducking slightly to get through the door. Her hair was piled up on her head, bound with an orange cloth, making her look even taller.
"So—Annie," she said, pitching in to help set out the silver. "Are you eventually going to stay a girl, or are you just going to play a girl?" she asked, in a teasing tone.
I smiled at her. "Details at eleven," I said. "I’ll explain more after supper."
"Even when I saw that email message and she explained to me how Mark came to be Annie," she pondered, "I thought it was just another of her elaborate jokes, that she was just leading me on."
"Nope, no joke," I replied. "There’s a fully functioning teenaged man under here." I lifted a corner of my wig. "Excuse me, Karrin. I have to go change for supper."
I went up to Julie’s room and knocked. She let me in. I gathered my makeup and my razor and went to the bathroom to clean off my face, shave, and redo my face. This time I took a little more care, especially around my eyes. Then, back to Julie’s room, I took off the denim skirt, tee, white shoes and tennies, and put on knee-high hose and flats. As I slipped the blue knit dress over my frame, Julie decided to wear her matching green one, and called down the stairs for Sarah to wear hers. Julie helped me attach a thin gold chain around my neck.
A door closed downstairs. As I started down, I saw Mr. Holding. He looked at me, just smiled and shook his head slowly. "Hi, Annie," he said. "I’ll have to admit that your supper smells great." Julie followed me down, and went in to Sarah’s room to help her finish dressing. When they came out, we all stood together and went "Ta-Da!" to Karrin’s delight. It was the same outfits we wore New Year’s Eve when the trouble started, but tonight we were all dressed a little more carefully and thoroughly. Last time it was a spur-of-the-moment. Tonight, we looked really classy.
The doorbell rang, and we greeted my folks. "You look lovely tonight, girls," mom said. I joined Sarah, Julie, and Karrin in thanking her. Dad’s lips tightened, but he said hello to everyone, including one to me as Annie. I asked Julie and Karrin to help me bring dinner in. After Mr. Holding offered a blessing, we dug in. Everybody praised the food, and I have to admit it was really good. I got a few teasing comments about making Sarah Beth a good little wife, and I just laughed them off. We cleaned off the dishes and went to the living room.
It was time. "I—uh, suppose you’re wondering why I called this meeting. Like all of you last June, I thought Annie would be around for six weeks to help Sarah Beth make it through her treatment, and then would just disappear. But life isn’t that simple, I guess. Annie made friends, like Roger, Roberta, Kelly, and some others. And I guess that I got so used to being Annie, I didn’t want to give her up, either."
"Neither did I," Sarah added. "I guess I kinda bonded with Annie. I’ve loved Mark as a boyfriend for a long time, but Annie was the only girlfriend who stuck with me through the bad times last summer. I still love Mark as Mark, but I also love who Mark is as Annie. Even though I’m not so lonely for girlfriends any more, Annie is special, and I love being with her. She’s a great cook, too," she grinned.
"Before last summer," I continued, "I never had any strong interest in wearing women’s clothes or fantasies about being a girl. Maybe a few moments of curiosity, but no real urges or anything. But now it seems to be a part of my life—not just being a girl, but being Annie. I’ve been doing some research on the web. I guess I have to call myself transgendered." Dad winced. "I’m not transsexual, though. I don’t want to live full time as a woman, or get surgery to become one, or anything like that. I guess I’m a cross-dresser—well, doh, that’s kind of obvious, isn’t it?" I grinned. "But it’s not like putting on women’s clothes is a fetish for me. It isn’t a big sexual turn-on. If it was, I’d have gone crazy those six weeks last summer."
"That’s what we’re concerned about," my dad muttered.
"I’ve talked with a minister about it, and a counselor, Dad" I told them, "and they say I’m not. I’ve developed a side of my personality that I like, and I express it through Annie. I don’t just dress up as a woman, I live in the role of Annie. When I do that, it brings me happiness. I feel good. I like Annie. That doesn’t mean that I don’t like Mark, or that when I’m in my Annie role I forget who I really am. It’s not a split personality, or anything. It’s just my feminine side expressing itself."
Sarah entered the conversation again. "When we were at Hope Haven together, maybe I became too dependent upon Annie. But she was always there for me. I knew it was Mark under there, but in another way, it was Annie I cuddled up to when I felt miserable and ugly. It was Annie’s blue nails I would see as her hands would hold onto mine when I was afraid I might die, and when I was afraid I might live. It was Annie’s gentle encouragement that helped me walk again. It was Annie who never took advantage of me when I was weak and vulnerable. I know it was Mark underneath, but what I saw was Annie. And I just couldn’t turn off my feelings about Annie when we came home. Like I said, we bonded. If Mark doesn’t mind, I want Annie to be with me for a long time to come. Mr. And Mrs. Holding, you can blame it on me, if you think your son is doing something wrong. I’m sorry if you do, but your son is such a beautiful person that I guess one gender just can’t hold him." She started to sniffle and sob. I reached my arm around her shoulders. I was getting weepy, too, and so was Julia, and so was Karrin. Maybe our moms, as well.
"Well, uh…" Mr. Holding began. "Mark, Annie, like I said before, what you did in becoming Annie for Sarah’s sake was one of the bravest things a man could do. I would never look down on you for what you did. I guess I understand a little better about why you couldn’t just turn Annie off. But…well, I guess I just get scared that someday you’ll get hurt—or you’ll both get hurt. There are a lot of hateful people out there, real narrow-minded bigots. If you want to dress up and be Annie once in awhile and you and Sarah both like it, that’s up to you. But, please, be careful about going out in public. That’s all I ask. But I do have a question. You didn’t consider yourself transgendered before last summer. Now your life as Annie has grown out of your romantic relationship with Sarah. What if you and Sarah weren’t romantically involved? What if you were Sarah’s brother, and since Hope Haven only allows same-sex roommates except for parents and children, you had become Annie to allow Julie to go to college? Would you still be Annie today?"
"Wow," I said. "I thought I’d anticipated every question people would ask, but I never saw that one coming. I really don’t know. But I think the answer might be yes. I had five hours alone in your house today. I could have just as easily cooked dinner while wearing the jeans and sweatshirt I wore over here. But I became Annie first thing after I got here, and I enjoyed it. I enjoyed being a girl in the kitchen. It was fun to be Annie, even when I was all by myself. So, I guess, yes. I enjoy being Annie whether Sarah is around or not."
Sarah spoke. "I guess some of the things that attracted me to Mark in the first place—besides his cute buns and blue eyes—were his gentleness, his consideration, his tenderness. Mom and Pop Jansen, you have raised one sweet son! Everybody at Hope Haven fell in love with Annie because she was an accurate reflection of the kind of person Mark is. Living in his Annie role just let a lot of Mark’s really nice characteristics come to the surface, and flow more freely. Mr. Jansen? I know you have trouble with seeing your son look so cute in that blue dress, am I right?" Dad nodded. "That cute girl is someone you should be proud to have as a son. I guess that sounds a little crazy, but you know what I mean. If I didn’t have Annie and Mark in my life, I would just be a hopeless, miserable, little crippled girl, wishing she were dead. But because of your son, I’m proud and strong. You and Mrs. Jansen raised a son who saved my life, in a whole lot of ways. I am going to be proud to be his wife, and no matter what happens, I am going to love him, and love him, and love him. And I hope that you can do the same."
By this time we were all bawling. I got up and went over to where mom and dad were sitting. They stood up, and we hugged each other so tight we could scarcely breathe. Finally, I asked dad if we could talk in private. When we were around the corner, I said, "Dad, I know you’re uncomfortable with me being Annie. I guess that I pushed Annie on you tonight, because I can’t help but be who I am, and I wanted you to understand why. What I don’t want to be anymore is sneaky. I want Annie to be out in the open with you and mom. I know you’re uncomfortable when I’m dressed as Annie, and I’ll try to be discreet about it. I love you, dad." We hugged again.
"I love you, too, son. And I am proud of you as a person. All this is hard to deal with, but I’ll try, okay?" Another hug answered the question. My folks left a few minutes after that. I went back and helped clean up the kitchen. I was about ready to go up and change into my Mark clothes, when Sarah asked me to come to her room. (That’s not as private as it sounds—since they remodeled for her wheelchair, her room has a drape in the doorway, not a door.)
She put her hands on my shoulders. "Remember that kiss we gave each other when we came home? Those kisses, I mean?"
"I sure do," I smiled.
"Well, they did something to me—they’ve been making me think all evening long."
"Did they bother you?" I asked. "It felt like you liked them. I did."
"Oh, so did I!" she said. "It was one of the great kisses of our whole relationship. A 9.2, at least!"
"So why does that bother you?"
She had this pensive smile on her face. "When we were at Hope Haven, remember how I really, really needed to think of you as Annie, not Mark, so we wouldn’t get carried away and get into trouble? I kept thinking that if you were Annie, I wouldn’t feel sexually attracted to you. It worked, but it didn’t work."
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"Well, it helped keep us from going too far, but as time went on, I found myself getting attracted to Annie. You know when I was joking with my sister about being a lesbian? I was feeling like one. I really got a thrill out of kissing Annie today. Should that bother me?"
"Well," I pondered. "I get a thrill out of kissing you no matter what
I’m wearing, so I guess it doesn’t matter. But I think we need to do more
research, and have Annie and Sarah Beth try it again." So I reapplied my lipstick. We
tried it again. And again. Same results. I don’t think Annie will go away for very
long for a long time to come.
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